


Behind the Pod

by bloodydamnit, Jeni182



Series: Red Rabbits Universe [2]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Multi, One Shot Collection, Past Violence, it will change, red rabbits, so read the authors notes, some will be in parts, the cabin™, we will also rate every chapter in the title with -M/E/T/etcetc, will update tags chapter by chapter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-26
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2020-09-26 21:01:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 73,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20396083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloodydamnit/pseuds/bloodydamnit, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jeni182/pseuds/Jeni182
Summary: Collection of One Shots taking place in the Red Rabbits Universe.





	1. Steamboat Springs, Co - M - Andrew/Neil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> __   
The Cabin   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WE'RE BACK! We're hoping to have regular oneshots for you until we're able to start posting part two. In case anyone missed it, we plan to start posting part two in November. This is really just our way of taking a deeper look into other relationships, characters, and the going-ons in Andrew and Neil's personal lives. We hope you like it! Again, we will be tagging every chapter in the authors notes, since they will ultimately change. We will also be putting the rating of the chapters in every chapter title, so you know what you're getting into. Like always, we'll add a list of triggers at the beginning of every chapter and perhaps some warnings depending on the contents as well!!!
> 
> We absolutely, fucking loved writing this chapter. Seriously, holy shit. We really wanted to explore more parts of Andrew and Neil's character, and if any of you remember, we mentioned how some of those moments will be their more intimate ones. We have one fairly explicit scene in this chapter. Its a canon-typical shower scene, with a twist. You'll find it once you get up Thursday. So, if that isn't something you want to read, we totally understand. All you have to do is skip to the next cut off, and that should be it :)
> 
> As for CW:  
explicit sexual content (one scene, as stated above. You can skip, if you'd like :) )  
Mentioned past abuse. Andrew thinks about his past and has an episode as he's looking through potential cases for the next season.  
Mentioned child abuse (brief, non explicit)  
Reference to scars  
excessive levels of fluff. you're welcome
> 
> We think that's it? If there's anythng we're missing, please let us know! But without further ado, we hope you enjoy this first oneshot!!!  
As always, don't forget to stay updated with our social medias [Twitter](https://twitter.com/RedRabbitsPod) and [Tumblr](https://redrabbitspod.tumblr.com/) !!! A lots going to be changing soon, so make sure y'all are keeping watch!! Perhaps snooping on the tumblr theme here and there 👀
> 
> OH! I just thought of this, but if yall want to see what the cabin looked like, [here's the home](https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/43605-County-Road-129-Steamboat-Springs-CO-80487/76275830_zpid/?) we referenced :)
> 
> *** This one shot takes place after case 1

_ Quiet _. 

That’s what everything was. _ Quiet _ and _ peaceful _ and _ solitary _ as Andrew and Neil drove through the outskirts of the small ski town of Steamboat Springs, Colorado. 

A long road veered towards a driveway. It was winding and seemingly unending, and for a moment, Andrew wondered if they’d somehow been pulled into some wild ‘Cabin in the Woods’ type of retreat by accident. The area was, indeed, wooded, and there wasn’t another driveway for at least a mile. After everything, he had to wonder if he’d fucked up once again.

The end of the drive opened to the Elk River, which was currently moving at a slow crawl under the sinking twilight sun. Sitting at the very edge, separated only by a small stretch of grass and a wide deck, was their home for the next week and a half. 

Andrew leaned forward and lowered the playlist currently humming in the car, to peer at the cabin through the windshield of their rental. From his periphery, he could see Neil doing the same and the smile slowly creeping on his lips. 

“Wow...” Neil trailed off and Andrew silently agreed. 

_ Wow. _

It wasn’t gigantic. The outside was made completely of stripped and polished oak logs with a green roof and accents. It wasn’t an old construction, nor was it new, two floors and simple from where they observed from the car, but large and resplendent inside from what they’d viewed online. 

“This... is impressive,” Neil said as he undid his belt and slowly got out. Andrew followed suit after taking the keys from the ignition, and as soon as the doors were opened, the river's slow current filled the silence. 

It was more than impressive. It was... beautiful? Yes. 

_ Beautiful _. 

“I can’t even see another house from here,” Neil said as his feet crunched against the smooth pebble driveway. 

Andrew raised a brow, but Neil’s attention was directed where they’d just come - woods made up of tall thin trees and interspersed with thick, thriving pines. 

“Great place to hide a body...” Neil murmured and Andrew quickly looked at him, brows furrowed. 

“Do you even hear yourself when you talk?”

“Am I wrong?” he quickly asked, motioning around with a wide gesture. 

_ Well - _

Andrew considered the space around them, then deduced with a glare, “No.”

“Exactly,” Neil nodded. “Come on.” He tapped the hood of the car and smiled playfully. “I want to see the inside.” He didn’t even stop to grab his bag, before making his way to the front door. 

Andrew shouldered their luggage instead and followed Neil up the few steps, just as Neil dug the key they’d picked up on their way in, out of his pocket. 

The door unlocked with a click and swung open to reveal even more than what Andrew had expected - or, well. 

It was exactly what was in the pictures and that was the point. He’d worried they may have been misled because after all, you never know what you’re really going to get. But this? 

It was a _ really fucking nice _ cabin. 

The floors were made up of polished oak and they matched the cabinets that could be seen from the foyer in the kitchen. Exposed beams supported the ceiling with matching accents, while everything was made to look as natural as possible. The entranceway was a small hallway that immediately opened into the living room and to the left was a staircase that led to the upper level. The kitchen lay beyond that and bled seamlessly into what was likely considered the dining room and 

_ Fuck. _..

The outside did the place _ no justice _. What looked like a simple cabin/cottage on the river, was a beautiful home with its shiny floors and off-white walls, stone fireplace and cream-colored furnishings. 

Andrew dropped their bags and closed the door slowly behind him as Neil ventured ahead. He watched as Neil’s fingertips slid across the back of the couch, turning around to try and capture it all. When Andrew finally unstuck his feet from the floor, he followed only to see a large set of sliding doors that opened to the wide back porch they’d seen from the driveway. 

Neil was watching him. When Andrew looked, Neil’s smile was still there, wider and careless and - with a raised brow, Neil headed to the doors and pushed them open before stepping out on the back porch. 

There were still three bedrooms, three bathrooms, and a game room to check upstairs, but Andrew couldn’t care less at the moment. Not as he closed the sliding doors behind him and took in the river only a scant few yards away and how the remnants of sunlight glistened on its surface. He couldn’t even really focus on the rising skyline in the distance, because there was something better just beside him. 

Neil had seated himself in one of the red lounge chairs stationed on the porch. His legs stretched out before him and that smile never left as Andrew sat beside him and watched as he inhaled a deep breath and let it out slowly. 

He looked _ relaxed _. Happy... It was such a contrast to the insane life of chaos they’d been living in Palmetto recently. Even though everything was squared away with the FBI and mostly settled with the Moriyamas, there was still the final episode that would go live in just a few hours. 

But Neil? He looked like right now, he didn’t have a care in the world and Andrew decided he didn’t either. 

Instead, he breathed with him; not speaking, just taking in all of _ this _ as the river trickled by and the fireflies awoke with twinkling lights. 

_ This _ was solitude and it was poignant in its simplicity - something neither of them had seen much of in their lives and as Andrew looked beyond, he realized the hazy red mountains disrupting the horizon made him feel very small. Just then, it was almost like a burden was lifted as he was reminded that the lives they lived before now, were just one in a history of lives they could lead.

_ We’ll make a new history, together. _

It would start with this cabin, in these woods, with the current filling his head, and completely undisturbed by the minutiae of the world. 

At some point, Neil reached out a hand and Andrew didn’t hesitate to take it. He let the moment sweep him away with the river. 

* * *

They’d picked up just enough groceries on the way in to get them through the night and morning, wanting to get to the cabin as soon as possible. There was a table and chair set pushed off towards the back of the porch and right next to the water. They sat across from each other now in light hoodies with a couple of lanterns to make up for the light the moon lacked. 

The weather was mild here - so much nicer than the oppressive South Carolinian heat. Neil basked in it, in the cool air touching his face as he watched Andrew take a bite of the turkey sandwich he was eating and smiled at the way he ate around it in a circle. 

“Truth or dare?” He heard himself suddenly ask. 

Andrew swallowed the giant bite he’d just taken and raised a brow at him. “What? I’m sorry, are we thirteen?”

Neil rolled his eyes, “Never again, thankfully.” He reached a foot out under the table and nudged Andrew’s leg with his toe. “Come on, it’s fun. Matt and I used to play when we were bored.” Well, that was partially true. Their games always turned into ‘Dare or Dare’, in which they came up with the stupidest shit for each other to do. 

Matt always won. 

“Will this end in something sexy?” he asked after a moment of deliberation. “Because if so, I’m down.” A shiver raced up Neil’s spine while Andrew took another bite and waited expectantly for his answer. 

This was something that was getting easier. Neil didn’t know where it came from, but it was like upon being with Andrew, gates had been opened and a side of himself he never knew existed burst free. 

_ It was weird. _

<strike> _I like it_ . </strike>

“Maybe. I guess you’ll just have to play to see,” Neil wagged his brows and Andrew set his sandwich down, dusting crumbs from his hands. 

“Fine,” he decided. “Truth or dare?”

Neil barely thought about it. _ Start easy. _ “Truth.”

The question was right there, ready. “Are you really okay with doing another podcast?” He’d been thinking about it, wondering. Neil could tell. It was written all over in the way Andrew pulled his legs up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them - almost like he was protecting himself from whatever answer Neil was going to give. He watched as he stuck his hands in the opposite sleeve, either in search of more warmth or to ground himself. 

_ Am I okay with doing another podcast? _

The automatic answer, the word that came straight to his mind was ‘_ yes _’. But Andrew didn’t deserve just a yes based on impulse. He deserved an answer that meant something, so Neil chewed on the inside of his lip and looked to the water while he thought. 

“Yes,” he finally confirmed, but then, “I think this is the only thing that makes sense.” He raised his eyes up to Andrew’s. “Part of me wishes I could do something else - something that I could go to school for, just because I like it.” 

Back on campus, students were slowly filling in for the new school year. Neil wondered time and time again what it would be like to be one of them. To be able to go to school, to learn, to have to only worry about grades and trivial shit. 

But,

“But the opportunity to help a kid that’s lost out there is too tempting, too important not to agree to, even if I could.”

Andrew just nodded and looked out at the water, too. Contemplative. His brows were slightly furrowed and Neil returned the question. 

“Truth or dare?”

“Truth.” He didn’t think about it either. 

“Would _ you _ have wanted to do another podcast, if you hadn’t found me? Or if you’d found out those were my bones?”

_ Wrong words _

Andrew flinched. It was concealed, but Neil saw it in the way the corner of his brow twitched and his jaw clenched. He took a second to take a deep breath, before shaking his head. “Probably not. I don’t want to talk about this while we’re here.”

“You’re the one that brought up the podcast,” Neil pointed out, but it was quiet. He was merely following up - though he could have worded that differently, he supposed...

“Yeah, well,” Andrew tore his eyes from the water. “I shouldn’t have. I don’t want to think about it, or that, right now.”

_ Fair enough _, Neil put his own sandwich down and leaned further back into his chair. “Okay,” he nodded. “What do you want to think about?”

“You.”

_ Oh- _

Neil couldn’t help the reaction those words brought. His heart pulsed, the shiver was back.

_ This man... _

It still amazed him how Andrew could just... say something, do something, shoot Neil a look that made him feel completely helpless. It was exhilarating - it was disconcerting. <strike> _It’s my favorite_ . </strike>

He couldn’t help the small smile from tugging up the corner of his mouth and the slow shake of his head because,

_ This man. _

“Truth or dare?”

“Isn’t it my turn?” Andrew narrowed his eyes. “You can’t just skip a turn.”

_ Yes, I can. _

“Just did. Truth or dare?”

Andrew sighed a very fake, put-on sigh. “Dare.”

“I dare you to strip down and jump in the river.” He nodded his chin towards the slow-moving water just meters away, and 

Andrew actually laughed. It was beautiful, it was amazing, it made Neil smile more as Andrew pulled back his chin. “I’m not fucking getting in there. It’s probably freezing and there are animals and shit in there. I’m not getting my dick bitten by a fish that thinks it’s a worm or something, for your stupid game.” 

Neil tried to compose himself and regain some semblance of control as he attempted to look serious. “Andrew, _ babe _. There’s not a fish alive that would mistake that dick,” he glanced towards his lap where he couldn’t see, “for a worm.”

Andrew’s jaw went slack for a moment, his eyes further narrowing. Neil briefly worried that he might’ve went to far, but, “What the fuck did you just call me?”

Neil smiled wider, then. With a deep breath, he decided to take a small leap and veer down his open gates. Walking around the table, he watched as Andrew slid his heels off his chair to make room for Neil as he lowered himself into his lap and wrapped an arm around his neck. Neil watched for any signs of discomfort, but all that stared back at him was impossibly warm honey and he melted into them. “I called you babe. And you’re not near-naked enough right now...”

Andrew slid his hand along his leg and squeezed the outside of his opposite thigh as he placed a kiss on Neil’s neck. “You have to come with me then.”

Neil pulled back and hummed, biting his lip in contemplation as if he were thinking about it - which, he was. But, for an entirely different reason.

“See?” Andrew slapped his thigh lightly. “Doesn’t seem so funny, does it?”

_ Well... _

Open gates, leaps already lept, so much progress between them, and experiences that stretched and dared to become more daring. This was an opportunity... An opportunity to break any ice on this vacation, to release tension and set the mood for what he wanted this time to be. Andrew could follow him, or he could not. Right now, Neil was serving the ball into Andrew’s court as he stood up and unzipped his jacket. Tossing it to Andrew, his shirt followed and threw it so it landed on top of his head. The rest of his clothes followed quickly and once his skin was bare to all, he turned to make his way to the river. Tiny ripples danced along its surface and the moon reflected in fragmented, dancing slices as he approached. Looking over his shoulder, Neil watched as Andrew stood, not making a single move to take off his own clothes just yet. He just stood and watched, hands at his sides and head slightly tilted. 

Neil turned back to the water and stepped in with one barefoot. He shivered slightly. It _ was _ cold, but it wrapped around his foot like silk and Neil, ever the daredevil, put the other in next to it. He walked towards the middle of the river until he was waist-deep. Then he turned, hands out beside him and resting on top of the water, and Andrew? He was shedding his clothes, and Neil watched as more and more lengths of pale skin were revealed, almost glowing in the moonlight. His eyes passed down his neck, to his chest as his shirt came off - arms as the bands were removed and legs that appeared as denim slid down. 

_ Something _ slithered into Neil’s belly and he suddenly realized he’d never seen Andrew fully naked before. In fact, he’d never had him in front of him like this, completely exposed - no. Every other time, he’d seen Andrew in bits and pieces. Shirt on or off, it depended on the day, but pants were always pulled down just far enough for Neil to get what <strike>_he needed_ </strike> was necessary. And it was because of that, that he panicked for a moment, worried that he’d inadvertently crossed a boundary that had been _ set _ and _ clear _ and, _ and and and _

“Hey,” Andrew looked up at him from his spot near the table. He was only in his boxers now. “You don’t have to get totally naked,” Neil shook his head, then gestured with his hand, “Just come in like that.”

Andrew paused, then looked down at himself and his bare chest, exposed legs and feet. Then, with a glance up at Neil that made him hold his breath, Andrew removed his glasses and set them on the table. Looking back to Neil and without moving his gaze from his face, Andrew slowly slid off his boxers. 

Neil’s throat went dry and desire shot through him _ immediately _ . With as cold as this water was, he would’ve thought he’d feel nothing, but alas, he was so, _ so _ wrong.

Because Andrew was a wonder. He was beautiful and strong, and the lines of his muscle wrapped around his body in a way that made Neil’s breath return and leave in short bursts. 

The spell was barely broken as Andrew approached the water, stepped in and hissed, “_ Fuck _ \- I told you it would be fucking cold!”

Neil felt the smile creep on his lips and heard the laugh burst from them before he even registered it. He walked deeper into the water, attempting to coax Andrew after him. “Don’t be a baby,” he cooed. 

Andrew followed him. Dark water covered his body, swallowing him slowly as he crept closer and closer and once he was close enough, Andrew reached out a hand. The waves ebbed and flowed gently and his skin shone like a pearl in the low light. It was inviting, it was perfect, it fit just right as Neil watched his own darker hand settle on top. He then allowed Andrew to pull him in and walk them a bit deeper until the water was up to their chests. Neil wrapped his arms around Andrew’s neck, and at the feel of Andrew’s hand on his thigh, he wrapped his legs around his waist. 

“Is this what you wanted to think about?” Neil whispered to _ him _, to the night, to the stars that were so bright, and the moon rippling around them. 

“Yes,” Andrew replied, before kissing Neil quiet. 

* * *

Andrew woke Tuesday morning feeling languid. His limbs were loose and he was reluctant to open his eyes. Instead, he reached a hand across the bed to find the spot where Neil had been sleeping - still warm, but empty. He did look then, just to see if Neil was still in the room. He wasn’t, but he didn’t let that bother him as he closed his eyes and let himself drift in and out of thoughts about Neil and _ last night _.

Honestly, sometimes he wished he was an artist, rather than a poet or a writer. _ Before _ , _ pre- _ , _ prologuing _Neil’s reappearance in Andrew’s life, his thoughts and memories were muddled and gray. But Neil, he was made up of bright colors and Andrew wished he could paint the vivid memory of last night as it lay embedded at the very forefront of his mind.

Perhaps it was so he could never forget it - which was a silly thought on its own because Andrew didn’t have the ability to _ forget _ . But that...? It was _ everything _ and he was sure it’d be the source of many a dirty dream from here on out, but _ still _ . Neil was ethereal and otherworldly, and sometimes, Andrew felt like he was still too far to reach - like he was a level of unattainability that he could never even hope to touch. He _ wasn’t _, but Andrew still felt like he wasn’t worthy at times, which was one of the reasons upon a plethora of deep-seeded beliefs, as to why he’d resisted being totally naked in front of Neil, until now. It had always been a boundary he’d kept close to himself, because his clothes were like armor - they allowed him to hide, even if just a bit, from what may be battling inside. 

Last night, it finally occurred to him that he didn’t _ want _ to hide from Neil. No. He wanted to give him everything. 

The object of his thoughts finally shuffled into the room with socked feet and he kept his eyes closed. 

“I know you’re not asleep,” Neil said. He cracked one eye open and tilted his head to the side to see. 

“Says who? This could all be a dream right now.”

“I’m not naked, so that's doubtful.”

Andrew opened both eyes and swept them up and down Neil’s body. In his hands he held a tray of food, and on his hips a pair of shorts. “Hm,” he hummed. “That _ is _ true...” He sat up in the bed to lean against the headboard. He shifted his focus on the tray and squinted to see its contents better. “Breakfast in bed? You shouldn’t have. Leave the tray and let me eat in peace.” 

<strike> _Or put down the tray and let me eat y-_ </strike>

Neil snorted. “This is mine actually, go make your own.”

_ Or not. _

Andrew reached across the space between them and pulled the tray towards himself with a glare, before Neil could even get on the bed. Taking it in both hands, he set it down and studied the contents through blurry eyes. The danishes they’d picked up last night seemed to be there, along with some fruit and yogurt. Andrew, obviously, chose a danish and took a big bite. 

“Liar,” he said, mouth full. Neil grabbed his glasses from the bedside, opened them up and held them out as he sat down on the bed and picked up a strawberry with his other hand, and popped it in his mouth. 

Once Andrew could see properly, he watched him chew. 

“What do you want to do today?” Neil asked, swallowing the berry. Andrew watched that, too. 

“Nothing,” he said eventually. “Isn’t that the point of vacation?”

“Sure, but we at least have to venture out for more food. The town looked nice when we drove through... maybe we can just walk around? Is that what normal people do?”

Sure, but Andrew didn’t really _ want _ to walk around. He wanted to stay holed up in this cabin, eating and sleeping and getting off in peace for as long as they fucking could. _ But _ , he supposed holding Neil hostage here wasn’t _ really _ a viable option...

“Alright. Walk around town.”

-

Not long after breakfast, they were in the rental and on their way into town, where a plethora of shops could be found. Andrew had googled what was around and found a bookshop that looked promising. 

It was a short ten-minute drive, but Neil insisted on having control of the music. He connected his phone to the bluetooth and began searching. 

“Oh! Hey,” He said out of nowhere, “There’s this song that reminds me of you. It’s romantic as fuck.”

Andrew looked over to him as they made they way down the winding driveway from the cabin and his eye fucking twitched. He decided not to comment about the ‘_ romantic as fuck _’ part, and instead rolled down the windows to let some of the fresh morning air circulate into the car. “I cannot wait to hear what kind of atrocity you’re about to play right now.”

Neil didn’t even roll his eyes. He had a big dumb smile on his face as he cued up the music and as it started to play, Andrew vaguely recognized it as a really old 80’s song... But he couldn’t quite place it. 

Until the lyrics started. 

“No,” he said automatically. “No, absolutely not. Is this Cyndi fucking Lauper?” He was going to lose his goddamn mind. Who was this guy? Who calls _ Time After Time _ romantic?!

“Yes! It reminds me of you!” Neil waved his hand. “Just listen, it’s so good,” he preened. 

_ I’m going to fucking kill Seth... _

“I’m going to fucking kill Seth,” he repeated the thoughts in his head. “I swear to god - What the fuck has he been teaching you?!”

Neil wasn’t listening. He was _ singing _. The fucking idiot turned the volume up to drown out Andrew’s voice and yelled, “This is the best part!”

He sang at the top of his lungs, eyes closed, head tilted to the roof. The wind blew his hair around and the morning sun touched his skin, and Andrew thought Neil was the <strike>most beautiful</strike> biggest idiot he’s ever seen. 

_ “IF YOU’RE LOST, YOU CAN LOOK, AND YOU WILL FIND ME! TIME AFTER TIME! IF YOU FALL, I WILL CATCH YOU, I’LL BE WAITING!” _ Neil opened his eyes and looked over to Andrew, _ “TIME AFTER TIME!” _Wide smile, full lips, hair in utter disarray...

This always happened. No matter how hard he tried to fight it, when Neil looked at him like that, he couldn’t resist. 

He smiled, too.

* * *

The bookstore Andrew had found was called Off the Beaten Path. They found it easily among the downtown shopping area on mainstreet <strike> _which didn’t seem very on brand, but anyway_ </strike> _ . _The town itself was idyllic. Surrounded by lush greenery and mountains, Neil thought it almost looked fake - like something from one of the movies Matt insisted on him watching. 

He fucking loved it. It only furthered the illusion that they really were in another time, another place. 

It almost felt like nothing could pop the bubble they were in. There was little that could be done about the scars on their faces, but Andrew walked with a straight back, eyes ahead when anyone looked too hard or lingered too long. Neil followed his example, finding strength in faux confidence as they bypassed any on-lookers and made their way to the front of the shop. There were more important things to focus on, after all. 

Like letting Andrew go ahead of him to experience the shop first. He loved this part of walking into a bookstore with him. He loved watching him open the door for the first time, step inside, and inhale the scent of a thousand new books that hit him in the face. He loved the way Andrew stopped, closed his eyes, and took it all in, letting the ambiance work magic on his brain. 

It was amazing, really. 

They’d been to several shops in the past and a few stops to the library in Palmetto, and every time it was all the same. Andrew could be in a terrible mood, rain cloud hovering over his head and shoulders slumped - but something about catching a whiff of books neatly lined on shelves was like a fucking endorphin kick to his brain. It never failed to lift his spirits, even if only a bit.

Neil shook his head to himself and followed behind Andrew, nodding to the employee that greeted them with slightly wide eyes <strike> _right. scars_ </strike> <strike>,</strike> and who Andrew completely ignored. Across from the main entrance was a wooden arch lined with books and separated the front of the shop from the back. Rows of stacks decorated the distance with an upper level leading to more and to the doors immediate left was an arch leading to New Releases. They weaved their way through merchandising tables, past dozens of stacks and around several corners, before hitting the Sci-Fi/Fantasy section, as was Andrew’s usual habit. Neil stood idly by while Andrew browsed, watching as he pulled one or two books off the shelf, read the descriptions, and ultimately putting them back. 

“Here,” Andrew said, pulling one down and handing it to Neil. Neil looked at the paperback in confusion. It was Red Rising by Pierce Brown*.

“You have this book at home,” Neil raised a brow. “Why are you handing it to me?”

“Because you should read it. And that’s _ my _ book. It’s a signed hardcover with the dust jacket in perfect condition. Besides, my paperback is coming apart and you should have a fresh one to yourself.”

Neil snorted, “To ruin?”

Andrew stepped closer and nodded, “To ruin.”

Neil pursed his lips and nodded slowly. As they stood there, heads together and Andrew pointing out something in the synopsis of the book, Neil felt eyes on them - which, again, wasn’t uncommon. This time, however, Andrew froze beside him and they both looked up slowly to see a group of four people who looked to be in their late teens staring at them, wide-eyed. Neil expected them to turn away or at least make an attempt to pretend they hadn't been staring, but they did not. 

One brave soul with long brown hair and thick-framed glasses stepped forward. In a rush of words, she spilled, “_ We’re really big fans of the podcast and it’s just really fucking cool to see you here! We saw you were on vacation, but I can’t believe you’re just standing in my favorite bookshop and Neil we’re so glad you’re safe and okay and now you guys are like really together and I think I might die- _” with a deep breath at the end.

They could’ve responded. They could’ve been nice like Dan or Renee probably would’ve. But, socially inept and unwilling to create conversation or _ deal _, Andrew and Neil just stared at her. From the corner of his eye, Neil caught Andrew raising one brow, slowly and deliberately. Before Neil could think to chide him, or convince himself that he even needed chiding, the girl turned away as her cheeks pinked and ushered her friends out of the store. 

_ Right... _

“That was...” Neil started, feeling a wash of mixed emotions start to rise.

“Fucking weird,” Andrew finished. Then, “Come on.” He grabbed Neil’s sleeve. “I smell pastries.”

Somehow, they’d gotten themselves around half the store before they hit a small cafe counter nestled in a corner of the shop. A smiling older woman with creases at her eyes stood behind the counter, ready and attentive to ring up their books and get them their several pastries and two coffees from the attached case displaying an array of cakes and sweets that made Neil’s teeth hurt just to look at. Once they were finished, Andrew found them two cozy looking armchairs with a table in between. They put their things down and Neil left to use the bathroom. When he came back, the sight of Andrew in the large leather chair made him slow his steps. His body was curled up, legs on the arm and book propped against his knees. His nose was close to the page and his brow was furrowed in concentration as he read.

_ He looks young like this. Like the boy I met all those years ago. _

He continued making his way over slowly, just so he could watch. 

Andrew looked up when Neil reached him, and Neil only ran a finger over one of his wrists before sitting and picking up the copy of Red Rising Andrew had there waiting for him. 

* * *

The next few days were spent in quiet solitude. They cooked their meals together and sat outside, listening to the water as they ate. They talked about quiet things, and were never far away from each other. They touched constantly, and it was one of the things that Andrew liked most about this trip. 

The touches were casual: feet tangled on the couch as they watched a terrible movie, a hand rubbing an arm as they discussed dinner, a kiss that was quick and nothing more than acknowledgment of the other person. Andrew wasn’t used to these touches, but found that he _ craved _ them - more than he’d ever craved the impersonality of a quick and dirty mutual need to get off. Neil was teaching him non-sexual intimacy and the more he had it, the more comfortable he’d become with actual sexual intimacy. 

In fact, ever since that night in the river, when Andrew had taken another step and completely stripped himself down in front of Neil, he found that he’d become more and more okay with it. His boundaries were slowly expanding under Neil’s hands.

On Thursday night, they showered together for the first time. It wasn’t an efficient way to get clean, but it was most certainly an efficient way to feel Neil’s body, hot and wet under his hands. 

Andrew had him pressed against the stone wall of the large shower. Their bodies were aligned and they slid against each other, Neil’s hips lifting off the wall slightly to gain more friction. They were panting, clutching at wet skin and cold stone to try and stabilize themselves. Andrew’s heart beat loudly in his ears, but he could hear nothing but the sweet sounds Neil made as they both drew closer. He closed his eyes, wanting to chase it, chase their release. 

But he felt a hand on his chest and opened his eyes to see Neil staring at him, lips fuller than normal, puffy and red from hard kisses with pupils blown wide and breaths coming in rough pants. He used that hand to push Andrew back and Andrew took a step immediately, removing his hands from Neil’s body and looking at him with worry. 

_ What did I do? Did I fuck something up? _

“Neil-” He said just above their breaths and below the rushing water. Neil didn’t respond though, just kept pushing until Andrew was the one with his back against the wall. He then kissed Andrew again, but it was slower this time. Softer. That hand slid from his chest to Andrew’s neck, before he kissed him there, too. 

“Neil,” he repeated. “Are you... is this-” _ I need to know if this is okay. _

Neil gave him reassurance in his fingers over Andrew’s lips, only for a moment, before they fell to his jaw as he continued kissing his neck. 

_ Oh _

They didn’t linger. Neil left a bruising kiss at his collar, before trailing to his chest, flicking his tongue over one nipple, and then the other. Andrew let out a harsh breath that would’ve been a moan if he’d let himself go there - if he let himself go but,

_ Down, down, down _ Neil made his way; kissing abs and scars on arms, kissing his belly button and the place where his happy trail led a path to his straining cock, waiting for attention. It was then that Neil lowered himself down to his knees, and when he looked up at Andrew with wet lashes and wide eyes, he suddenly didn't know what he’d done to deserve this. 

“Can I...?” Neil asked, softly, almost hesitant. Andrew hesitated, too. Becuase he knew that he owed it to Neil to actually think about this <strike>not like he fucking hasn’t</strike> <strike>.</strike> But this? It was intimate, sometimes too intimate and it required a level of closeness he had trusted very few sexual partners with in the past. He enjoyed it, sure, but there was always an air of tension to it - like his body was straining to come and come quickly, just so it could be over and that wasn’t _ fair _. He didn’t want that with Neil, with his touches and his willingness to let Andrew go at his own pace. Andrew wanted to be unguarded, he wanted to be real and live in the moment and by fucking god, he just wanted Neil, and wasn’t that his answer?

He bit his lip ring, still looking Neil in the eyes as his mind went over every mental boundary he’d both built and torn down to make sure he was _ okay _, before nodding slowly. 

Neil didn’t move forward. Instead, he took Andrew’s hips and stroked his thumbs along his skin as he used Andrew’s line against him,

_ “I-I,” His chest was rising up and down beneath his own and Andrew went to give him space, but Neil pulled him down more by the back of his head. Andrew kissed that spot again and Neil stretched his neck, “I want...” he trailed off. _

_ “Use your words,” Andrew leaned back just enough to see Neil’s face, his swollen lips and - _

“Use your words,” he said, taking his hands away to wait, but he didn’t have to, because Andrew felt the corner of his lips rise before he nodded.

“Yes,” and nothing else. There was nothing more he could say - especially not as Neil wrapped a hand around Andrew’s base and while that was almost enough to send him over the edge, the feel of him kissing the tip had him clenching his stomach and letting out a hiss. Neil didn’t linger. He swallowed Andrew in one fluid motion and Andrew did cry out then. His knees almost buckled, one hand stretching out to grab the shower wall in attempt to keep himself upright and the other burying itself in Neil’s wet hair. 

Neil did what Andrew had done to him. He set a slow, but steady pace and used one hand to make up for what he couldn’t fit down his throat. 

Andrew grit his teeth, head falling back against the wall as he closed his eyes and just let himself _ feel _ this. It wasn’t like the other times. This wasn’t Andrew feeling, but _ not, _ while in the back of his mind, he was busy noting where hands were placed and where escape routes were if he needed. No, this time, he _ felt _ and he _ experienced _ and he got lost as he gave Neil a part of himself that’s never been seen before. He felt uncovered.

It was an odd thing, really. Outer body, yet completely present; a laser focus on Neil’s mouth and the slide of his tongue, the slip of his hand up and down Andrew’s length while the other remained firm and steady on Andrew’s hip where he squeezed tightly. He kept himself in place and while his body wanted to buck forward, wanted to fuck his way deeper into Neil’s mouth, he didn’t. This was Neil’s first time... there was time for that later, maybe, if that’s what they _ both _ wanted. 

Nonetheless, Andrew tried to stay quiet, but the huffs and moans that slipped from his lips were completely outside of his control right now. He couldn’t have stopped them if he wanted to, which was strange in its newness - especially as the closer he crept to the edge, the more desperate the sounds became. 

“So close...” he breathed, wanting to warn Neil and he tried - he really did. But it was crashing into him before he could manage anything more than those two words. A body he’d normally had an inhuman amount of control over was falling to pieces beneath Neils ministrations and it was otherworldly, unreal, unbelievable as his breath caught in his throat and everything faded to static and white noise. Faintly, he could feel his hand that gripped the wall slowly slide down as he sank against the tiles and his knees gave out completely. 

He sat there on the floor of the shower, Neil in front of him and eyes closed as he tried to pick up all that Neil had shattered, but found himself unwilling, unwanting. Neil could keep them. They were his and the mere thought of that wasn’t as frightening as Andrew would’ve thought. No, not even as he tried to catch his breath and willed his heart to slow, opened his eyes and found Neil still on his knees before him with a smile dancing around his bitten lip.

“So...” Neil said, water beating on his shoulder and steam curling around his face, “That was okay then...?”

Andrew laughed. He laughed and he swore to all the fucking gods that he wouldn’t have recognized the man he’d suddenly become in the dawn of Neil _ fucking _ Josten. 

_ No, it was amazing. It was everything. _

In the end, he just wrapped a hand around Neil’s neck and pulled him in for a kiss. 

“Yes,” he said against his mouth. “That was okay.” 

* * *

On Friday, Neil made the mistake of opening his laptop. He and Andrew had done a pretty damn good job of staying unplugged so far and they hadn’t discussed the podcast at all, beyond that first night. 

He’d been gifted the computer from Wymack when he’d officially filled out employee paperwork. The man said it was so Neil could make himself useful, but before he walked away, Wymack clapped him on the shoulder and gave him a gruff, _ ‘Welcome to the team, kid’. _ Neil would be lying if he said he hadn’t felt just a little special. He knew Wymack was a kind of Dad figure around the office and a small part of himself hoped he would fit there - hoped he’d be able to carve a place for himself without seeming like a burden or extra weight. It was a want to prove himself, a want to _ contribute _ and become part of something, _ finally _. 

Anyway. 

He booted it up and tried to open up his email, before realizing belatedly that he wasn’t connected to the internet. 

“Babe!” he yelled to Andrew in the other room. “What’s the wifi password!?”

Andrew slowly came out of the bathroom, toothbrush in hand, and into the bedroom where Neil sat in the middle of the bed. Neil watched him with a perfectly blank face before he slowly allowed a grin to bloom. 

“Something wrong?” he asked, innocently. 

Andrew’s eyes narrowed dangerously and Neil only smiled more. “Why the _ fuck _ have you suddenly started calling me babe? What the _ fuck _ ? Who put you up to this?” Andrew took a few steps closer. “We’re not _ babe _ people, Neil. Okay?”

Neil pulled back his chin and furrowed his brows. “How do you know _ I’m _ not a babe person? Maybe this is just who I am.” He put a hand to his chest. And then managed to school his face into fake offense, “Are you asking me to forsake my true nature, in order to fit the mold of who you want me to be...? I’m _ outraged _.”

Andrew pointed his toothbrush at Neil, lips pressed tight together. Eventually, all he decided to say was, “The wifi is steamboatcharlie, all one word,” before making his way back to the bathroom and slamming the door. 

Neil laughed delightedly while he entered the password, then opened up the email address Dan assigned to him as a _ ‘gift’ _(njosten.foxhole@gmail.com) and was surprised to see so many emails already. Most were unimportant (or completely important, but Neil didn’t care), but he opened one from Dan that just said FYI in the subject line.

_ ‘Neil, _

_ Just wanted to let you know, we’ve had reporters here just about every day since the last episode dropped. Apparently, the interview was the last thing they were waiting for, in order to confirm it was really you. I don’t know if you guys are checking your email or anything while you’re gone, but I’m guessing the Red Rabbits gmail is going to be full of requests for interviews with you. I didn’t want you to be surprised. _

_ Hope you’re having a good time and that you’re both relaxing. See you back in the studio soon. _

_ Dan’ _

“Fuck,” Neil heard himself breath and immediately opened a new tab. He’d avoided what people were saying for the most part, but now he wanted to know what was going on. What _ were _ people saying? How far were they trying to pry into his life and what lies were being made up and 

“What?” Andrew asked. Neil quickly looked up to find his eyes on him, just as he’d cursed. 

Directing his eyes away, he rubbed the back of his neck and shook his head. He didn’t want to pop this bubble they’d been in... Everything had been so fucking calm and perfect this entire trip and, “It’s not a big deal.”

Andrew sat beside him on the bed and looked at the screen with the google logo pulled up. “If it’s not a big deal, then you should be able to tell me.”

_ Ugh _

Neil let out a harsh breath and gripped tight at his neck. “The sharks are circling,” he mumbled, then gestured to the computer. “Dan sent me an email saying the media has been at the studio all week, trying to get an interview.” He chewed on the inside of his lip nervously and only stopped when Andrew reached out a hand to pull it from between his teeth. 

“This wasn’t unexpected,” he said, keeping hold of Neil’s chin. Neil allowed himself a moment to lean into the touch, before he turned away. 

“I know... I just hate that it’s here _ now _. I don’t want to do interviews,” he mumbled. 

Andrew shrugged. “Then you won't. Did you think we were going to make you for the sake of the show? Honestly, Neil, do you think I’d do that?”

_ No- _

“No... I don’t know. I just know there’s been all this emphasis on staying relevant and in the spotlight. I feel like, in a way,” he shrugged, “It’s my duty or something to put myself out there.”

He felt equal parts anxiety and guilt. He was _ okay _ being more open when Andrew was there... He was okay talking to him and recording like they were just having a conversation because Andrew made it feel _ easy _ . But the thought of sitting down with anyone else, with a _ stranger _ , someone like that Kathy Ferdinand, made the tips of his fingers start to tingle. Neil rubbed them with his thumbs absently and suddenly, Andrew closed the laptop with a _ click _. 

“We’ll worry about this when we get back, okay? Let’s not do this now. The worst thing you can do is google yourself and see all the shit you already know you don’t want to fucking see. But,” Andrew slid his own hand to the back of Neil’s neck to replace the pressure Neil had been keeping before. “I promise, Neil. I would never ask you to do something that you didn’t want to do. I know the podcast took convincing, but if you had flat out refused, I wouldn’t have pushed it.”

Neil knew that, he really did. Andrew was the very last person on this earth that would try and push Neil past a boundary he wasn’t willing to cross. He was always so _ careful _, always asking along the way and the truth was, Andrew took care of Neil in a way Neil had never been cared for before - not even by his own mother. And that’s why Neil leaned into Andrew and put his head on his shoulder. 

“And the others?” he asked quietly. “Will they be upset if I don’t take one for the team?”

“Oh, Neil,” Andrew sighed. “You’re with me, aren’t you? I think you’ve done enough for the team.”

Neil let out a surprised laugh and turned his head on Andrew’s shoulder so he could kiss his neck. “Thanks, babe...”

Andrew shoved his face away and slid off the bed, taking the laptop with him. “Just for that, I’m confiscating this. You’ll get it back at the end of the trip if you _ behave yourself _.”

“No promises,” Neil called to his retreating back. 

* * *

On Saturday night, they decided to go out for dinner. He’d found a restaurant online that looked like it had food they’d both eat and that wasn’t an IHOP. He loved IHOP, but he wanted to take Neil to somewhere nice.

_ Isn’t that what normal _ <strike> _couples_ </strike> _ people do? _

Anyway.

He wanted to take Neil’s mind off the press that they both knew would be waiting for them when they returned to South Carolina. Neil was nervous about it, Andrew could tell. And sure, at some point, they were going to have to acknowledge it and decide what the hell they were going to say and do, but right now, he didn’t want Neil to think about it. 

Andrew would, of course. And he’d worry over it and make contingency plans - but, Neil didn’t need to know that. 

Pulling up to the front of a place called The Truffle Pig, they got out of the car slowly and walked shoulder to shoulder, brushing hands and linking pinkies on their way into the restaurant. A hostess greeted them at the front and showed them to their table immediately when Andrew gave them his name for the reservation. 

<strike>Yes. Reservation. _Who the hell am I now?_</strike>

The table was out of the way and he was glad. He didn’t want any more bookstore incidents and though he was getting used to the looks aimed towards their scarred faces and the barely concealed questions of worry or fear, he didn’t feel like dealing with them tonight, and he knew Neil wouldn’t want to either. 

Once at their table, they sat across from each other and opened their menus. While Andrew glossed his eyes over everything, he glanced up to find Neil looking around, distracted. 

“Problem?” Andrew asked, brow raised. The place was pretty nice, but he’d take Neil somewhere else if he wanted. 

Neil looked back to him and gave him a small smile - the one he reserved especially for _ him _. “No, not at all,” Neil responded, quietly. “This place is just really nice...” he shrugged. “I don’t think I’ve ever been to a fancy restaurant like this before.”

Andrew raised a brow at that. “Never? Lloyd never treated you with all that exy money?”

Neil set down his menu, rolled his eyes at ‘Lloyd’ and adjusted the tealight at the center of their table. “I never let him. We’d go back and forth on take-out, or a cheap brunch or something. But no way I’d let him pay for something like this for me. Especially when I was basically lying to him for most of the time I was there.”

Of course, he wouldn’t. But... “You’ll let me though?” Andrew asked because something about that made him feel incredibly warm, and he hadn’t even ordered a drink yet. 

<strike> _You’re getting soft, Minyard._ </strike>

“Sometimes, I’ll let you,” Neil tilted his head and smiled a bit more. “Sometimes, you’ll let me. I get a paycheck now, you know. You no longer have to be my sugar daddy.”

Andrew set his menu down and met Neil’s eyes. “How the hell else am I going to keep you around?”

Neil sighed dramatically, “I have no idea. I guess you just have to like... be nice to me.”

<strike> _I like this_ </strike>

“Ugh,” Andrew rolled his own eyes and Neil laughed. He was glad they could joke like this, because the truth was, Andrew did very much want to keep Neil around, and he knew he wasn’t an easy person to live with. He knew he wasn’t someone who was going to be the perfect, _ share your feelings _ partner. Of course, he’d opened up to Neil more than he had to anyone else in his entire fucking life (sans Bee), but there was a part of him that still worried that at some point, it wouldn’t be enough. 

_ He _ wouldn’t be enough. 

<strike> _Anyway_ </strike>

The waiter came to take their order and only lingered on their faces for a moment. Andrew didn’t have to glare and Neil didn’t have to turn his head away, no. They just gave their orders of steak and pork chops, then finally a whiskey neat for himself. The waiter and Andrew both looked at Neil, but he just shook his head. “Just water for me.”

Once they were alone again, Andrew couldn’t help but ask. “So,” the question just dawning on him, “I guess I didn’t really think about the fact that I’ve never seen you drink. Are you morally opposed?”

Neil shook his head automatically. “Not at all. It’s just,” he paused as if trying to figure out a way to word it. “When your only experience with alcohol has been for medicinal purposes that usually end in puking, needles, pliers, or passing out, it doesn’t hold much appeal.” _ That’s surely a way. _ “Also, when a person is... you know. Trying to hide from murderous bastards and podcast hosting assholes, it’s best to keep your wits about you.”

_ Touché. _

“Hmmm,” Andrew hummed, however, still eyeing Neil. “You’re not running anymore, you know.”

“No,” Neil replied, quietly. “I suppose I’m done with that, aren’t I?”

“Yes, you are.”

It was said to comfort himself, just as much as it was to agree with Neil. 

“What about you then?” Neil asked. “You don’t strike me as someone who’s spent a lot of time in restaurants with disgustingly overpriced wine menus.”

Andrew smirked, “I’m not. But I’ve had my fair share of graduation dinners and work obligations.” They were horrible and miserable and Andrew had hated every fidgety, tie loosening moment of them. 

“Never a date?” Neil asked, brow raised. The curiosity in his eyes was so transparent. He was fishing for information, Andrew knew. Neil had never outright asked him about his past about other people, but he wanted to - he wanted an Andrew Minyard Breakdown. 

“I’ve never been on a date,” Andrew admitted. 

Neil sat back in his chair and crossed his arms, looking at Andrew disbelievingly. “Never?” His eyes slightly squinted. “How is that possible? I know you’ve been with people...”

“Being with someone doesn’t mean dating them. I’ve told you before, I don’t do,” he waved a hand between them, “this. I wasn’t lying to make you feel better. I’ve had people that were regular hookups, but it was always just that.”

“This is really none of my business...”

“But?” <strike> _I want it to be._ </strike>

“But, why? I mean,” Neil’s eyes softened, “I know you had things you’ve worked through with Bee. I know you are who you are and trust me, I wouldn’t want you to change a fucking thing - it’s just that I’m curious... You’re a fucking catch, Andrew. I can’t believe no ones tried to snag you, yet.”

Andrew rolled his eyes while his inner cat preened with pleasure. “Okay, Nicky,” he mumbled and rubbed his lips together as he inhaled a deep breath. “Listen,” He was going to attempt to explain. “Many have tried, all have failed, okay? Being in a relationship means sharing shit. It means a partnership, and having to check in, and worrying about how someone else is feeling, and I was just never willing to do that. I have too many flaws - too many boundaries. Honestly, I just assumed it wouldn’t be fair to enter a relationship with someone and force all my bullshit on them.”

“So, Dion...”

“Was just like the rest of them. He’s a good guy and I trusted him once I got to know him to respect my rules, and he always did. I don’t have anything against him. I just... lost interest.”

“Hm...”

The waiter dropped off their drinks and Neil sipped his water before saying anything else. Andrew took a healthy mouthful of whiskey. 

“So, what changed your mind then?” Neil eventually asked, eyes focused on the water and finger dragging condensation across the glass. “With me. I mean...” he inhaled a deep breath and looked up at him, brows furrowed. “This is a relationship, right? I’m not reading this wrong...?”

_ No. _

Andrew shook his head and Neil continued. “So, what’s different about me?”

_ Everything._

"Everything."

* * *

They’d gotten caught up talking last night at dinner, and as a result, didn’t get back until late. Neil woke before Andrew, as he usually did. He liked to run in the mornings and Andrew liked to sleep as long as the cats would let him. However, here there were no cats, so Neil took the opportunity to run some of the trails surrounding them while letting Andrew sleep in. 

Neil padded quietly to the bathroom, changed into running clothes, laced up his sneakers, and headed out the door after eating a quick banana and grabbing a bottle of water.

It was cool outside. Colorado weather was gorgeous - not sticky and humid at eight o’clock in the fucking morning like it was back _ home _. 

He smiled to himself at the thought of it though. _ Home _ . He’d never really had one before. He’d had places he’d lived, sure, but nothing that could be considered something real and _ his _ . He supposed his small apartment in Phoenix could be something like that, and Matt’s apartment had been a safe haven and the very beginnings of something. But, the apartment he and Andrew now shared in Palmetto felt more _ solid _, more like a home than those places ever did. With the cats and their own coffee mugs and the picture of the two of them that greeted Neil every single morning -

It was strange to think it’d only been a few months since New York... Since that moment on the roof when Neil was the bravest he thought he’d ever been, just from linking his pinky with Andrew’s. This _ thing _ that was between them, this _ relationship _, it was new, but it didn’t feel new. In fact... it felt very old, like something Neil had felt like he was missing for years - an emptiness he’d always assumed had come from his father's abuse and a life untethered. 

Andrew filled that space.

The trail Neil ran was narrow. The sun made patterns on the ground as it filtered through the leaves. He heard rustling every now and again, and only assumed he was sending small animals scurrying.

_ ‘What’s different about me?’ _

_ ‘Everything.’ _

He didn’t know why that answer hit him so hard. It was the same for him, of course, but Andrew was just _ different _ . Neil knew he was demisexual. He felt confident in that label for his sexuality, and he didn’t question it. It made sense to him, really, and it felt good to put a name to something that had confused him, or that he’d neglected for so long. After all, he’d grown up in a situation where 1) emotional attachments were rare (his mother being the exception, but even as he got older, he wondered if even that was based on mere manipulation) and 2) he’d been conditioned to think that any sort of _ attachment _ or _ attraction _ was dangerous and would end in everyone’s inevitable murder. 

That last point wasn’t totally off the mark, Neil had to admit. 

_ But, _

But he was emotionally attached to Matt too. He knew he was. Matt had taken care of him and had been such a good, genuine friend. Still, he wasn’t attracted to Matt. But, Andrew? Andrew, who he told his secrets to when he was twelve years old and who he raged against for so long, _ Andrew _, who made absolutely no sense to anyone, but perfect sense to Neil...

He was everything, too.

* * *

_ Where is he? _

Andrew was pacing. 

He’d woken up to an empty bed - which wasn’t abnormal - but waking to an empty house, was. There was no note, he’d left his phone, the front door was unlocked -

Andrew was going to lose it and send out a search party if he didn’t get back soon. The car was in the driveway, which meant he was on foot somewhere but, 

_ He’s probably been eaten by a bear. Or a moose. Or whatever the fuck they have in Colorado. Aren’t there mountain lions...? _

He tried to distract himself. At some point between waking, pacing, panicking, and breathing through it all, Andrew had pulled out his laptop in an attempt to distract himself from calling 911 to tell him his idiot boyfri-

He froze, shook his head, and opened the computer. 

The emails he had were insane - which was an infinitely better thing to focus on than that dumb ass. There were probably hundreds, in fact, and most of them contained suggestions on cases of missing kids for them to look into. Andrew made a mental note to go through them as soon as he got back and as soon as his _ mentality _ was properly together, and convinced himself that this was all a good starting point. Already, he’d dug up a few on his own, but he was interested to see what else was out there and again, he wasn’t thinking about Neil, _ Neil, Neil _. 

Right as he was about to close out of the tab, one of the notifications caught his eye. It was from an intern - one Andrew had known when he was still working for the Globe. His name was Jesse Shae and Andrew remembered him being at the very least, tolerable. They covered similar stories, so their conversations always ended up being decently good. Andrew opened up the email and read so he wouldn’t have to worry. 

_ 'Andrew, _

_ I know we haven’t spoken in a couple of months, but I want to congratulate you on what a success Red Rabbits is. I followed from the beginning and the way you presented that story was incredibly smart and riveting. _

_ That said, I won’t insult you by pretending I don’t have an ulterior motive. The news is all over the community about Neil and that he’s been found. People are placing bets as to who gets to do the first interview with him. I just wanted to put my name out there to you, just in case he decides he would like to get his story out a different way that you two have already. _

_ I’m writing for a magazine right now called Stories. We’re relatively small, but we are a group of people who are committed to putting out accurate and important pieces that are relevant and noteworthy. I believe your story falls into that category, and I do mean both of you. The meeting when you were children added a layer of depth to the entire thing that I think shocked all of your listeners, including me, while simultaneously had us saying ‘Oh. It seems so obvious now.’ _

_ I’m rambling and I apologize. If you would prefer to stay quiet, or even go to a bigger publication, I totally understand. The sentiment is the same. You’ve always been an amazing and empathetic writer, and that translated beautifully to the podcast. _

_ Jesse' _

When he finished reading, he sat back in his chair, arms crossed over his chest, and scrutinized the screen. To be honest, he hadn’t given interviews much thought while they’d been here, any further than what Dan had sent Neil. Really, he didn’t want to think about _ anything _ while they were away, but the fact of the matter was, at some point, they were going to have to address things to the press. There really wasn’t any choice if the two of them wanted to lead any semblance of a normal life, so it would have to happen at some point. Not to mention, the last thing he needed was Dan’s ire when he would inevitably catch a reporter outside _ their _ apartment door and end up pushing them down the stairs. 

_ Anyway _. 

He pulled up the _ Stories _ magazine and browsed some of the pieces. They were all well written and no real fluff pieces. Of course, there were a few articles concerning entertainment, but they were thoughtful and eloquently put, and concerned the industry and motivations of certain artists, rather than gossip. 

Andrew decided to put a pin on it and come back to this when he and Neil were finally settled at home. 

_ Speaking of Neil... _

Just as Andrew redirected his attention to gather up that search party, the front door opened and Neil walked in, sweaty and out of breath. He’d taken off his shirt at some point and had it slung over his shoulder, so Andrew could see the sheen on his scarred torso. He opened his mouth to ask Neil what the fuck he’d been doing, when a drop of sweat fell from Neil’s neck and made it’s way down his chest and taut stomach, before disappearing into the waistband of the too-short running shorts he’d decided to wear. 

“Hey, you,” Neil said. Andrew snapped his eyes back up to Neil’s face. “My eyes are up here,” he pointed a finger to a flushed face and blue eyes and Andrew had to physically turn around and open the fridge to pretend he was looking for something, in order to think coherently. 

“Where the fuck have you been?” he said to the yogurt cups and bottled water staring back at him.

“I went on a run on one of the trails. Sorry, I didn’t want to wake you.”

Andrew shut the fridge to find Neil standing on the other side of the door. “You couldn’t leave a note? Or take your phone? What if you’d gotten yourself hurt or killed or something?”

Neil looked thoughtful for a moment and had the audacity to muse, “Well, I suppose if I’d gotten myself killed, I wouldn’t be able to call you anyway.”

_ Fucking idiot - _

“That’s not the point.” Andrew forced his eyes to stay annoyed and focused on Neil’s face. 

Neil sighed, “Babe, I’m sorry, okay?”

“Oh my god, why are you trying to make me insane?” Andrew rubbed his face with both hands and kept them there. Neil grabbed his wrists and Andrew didn’t relent, because he knew if he, did he’d see Neil with that stupid fucking one-sided grin and he’d lose it.

“And to think,” Neil said, still tugging. “I was going to see if you wanted to shower with me. I guess I’ll just rinse all this sweat off all by myself…”

Andrew finally let his hands drop from his face and he glared at Neil. With a pointed finger to the center of his chest, Andrew pressed and said, “I don’t know if you think you can just tempt me with your body, like I’m some weak fuckboy who doesn’t care about anything but sex, but _ I’m _ getting in the shower first, and you better wait a full ten minutes before you come in, so I can get the good hot water.”

Andrew turned and made his way to the bathroom, <strike>completely</strike> hoping just a little that Neil didn’t wait. 

* * *

Something was off with Andrew. Neil couldn’t put a finger on what it was, but there was _ something. _ He didn’t really seem upset, just distracted. He’d tried to get Andrew out of the cabin to go on a walk or even jump in the river with him again. But he just didn’t want to do anything today. 

So, they didn’t. 

Neil also didn’t want to leave him. He gave him his space when he felt like maybe he needed a little extra, but was always close by somewhere in the house. 

The only thing he could think of that may have caused the shift in mood was whatever Andrew had been doing on his laptop when Neil came in from his run that morning. But, Neil didn’t know what that was, so he didn’t know how to help other than to just be there for when Andrew would hopefully need him. 

Right now, however, he was sitting on the couch watching, but not really watching, a nature show on the big screen in the living room. He had his favorite black hoodie on and sat with the hood up over his head, worrying the sleeves with his fingers. Neil sat next to him and placed a sandwich on the table in front of him. He hadn’t eaten all day. 

“I’m not really hungry,” he murmured. 

“Yeah, well. You should probably eat anyway. Think about your muscles.”

Andrew snorted and that was at least something as he picked up the sandwich, took a bite, then set it back down. Leaning back on the couch, he chewed slowly. 

“So,” Neil ventured. “You going to tell me what’s going on...?”

Andrew looked over at him slowly, swallowing his food. “Nothing’s going on.”

“Then why are you so broody today? More broody than normal, anyway.”

Andrew turned back to the TV, crossing his arms over his stomach and watching a male bird do a stupid fucking dance in front of a female bird in hopes of convincing her to mate. Neil wondered if doing a stupid fucking dance in front of Andrew, would convince him to talk. Instead, he just sighed. He didn’t want to push. 

“Okay...” he nodded. “I’m around though, if you need anything.” Neil started to stand, but Andrew grabbed his arm. 

“Just...stay right here.”

So, Neil did. 

They spent most of the day in a comfortable silence - moving around each other with fingers brushing or a hand at the small of each others back as they made food and took care. That night, Neil went to bed earlier than Andrew, leaving him on the couch where he was once again watching something that looked incredibly boring. Neil retreated to the bedroom, laying down on his side and burrowing under the blanket. He tried to stay awake until Andrew came in, but when he woke up in the middle of the night, it was to find Andrew still gone and his side undisturbed. 

* * *

The nights were nice here and almost too cool for mosquitos by the water. Everything was quiet and would be comforting if his mind weren’t racing with a million and one things at once.

Like what going back to Palmetto meant for him and Neil, and the plethora of possibilities of all the children out in the world who were missing, or who’d been found dead, or who’d been captured and severely abused for years and years and -

His mind raced with memories of his own trauma, and Andrew didn’t know how to make his demons stay dead. 

He was on the back porch, computer open on his lap. Between his fingers was a lit cigarette. He’d found a pack in a drawer in the kitchen, buried under restaurant menus and a phone book. He’d initially ignored them when spotting them a few days ago. They’d likely been there for a long time and tasted like it, too. 

But right now, as he sat on the back porch with laptop ready, he couldn’t find it in himself to care. 

He was going through the emails he told himself he’d wait for when he got back to Palmetto - the potential cases. 

_ ‘Timothy Brant, 7, went missing last year and the only clue they found was his shoe...’ _

_ ‘Clarissa Sellers was kidnapped by a family friend when she was 4 years old. She would be fifteen today…’ _

_ ‘Robin Cross was snatched by someone six years ago, and the police have stopped their search... her case has gone cold...’ _

_ ‘Dante Smith was sexually abused by a teacher, but went missing before the case could go to trial…’ _

Andrew rubbed his forehead with the hand holding the cigarette. He was so fucking sick of this. He was just... _ exhausted _ with the way the world worked. He didn’t understand how someone could look at a child and think, _ ‘you know what seems like a great idea...’ _ . He didn’t _ fucking _ understand how some people, who were supposed to be in charge of caring for children, could only view them as easy prey and -

He didn’t understand why _ he _ was. Drake wasn’t the only one. Andrew’s life was littered with abuse and sometimes, he didn’t know how to escape any of it. 

Even now. They still found ways to keep him in their clutches and 

And. 

He took another long drag with a shaky hand, and started when he heard the door open. Neil walked out with a blanket wrapped around his shoulders. He sat on the step beside him, careful to avoid the cup of coffee that sat between them. Andrew moved it to his other side. 

“Do I even want to know where you got that cigarette?”

“I don’t know,” Andrew replied, gruffly, tiredly. “Do you?”

Neil didn’t say anything. 

Andrew sighed. “I found an old pack in a drawer.”

Silence. 

Then, “How long have they been there, I wonder? You thought it’d be a good idea to smoke one with a cup of coffee from the pot we probably made this afternoon?”

Andrew just shrugged, still scrolling through his email. “Stale cigarette, stale coffee, stale trauma. It’s a theme I’m going for tonight.”

Neil held out his hand in his line of sight for the cigarette like he wanted a drag. When Andrew handed it over, he stubbed it out on the step instead. 

“I wasn’t finished with that.”

“You were finished with it when you told me weeks ago you were going to quit. You haven’t had one since that day.” He left the crumbled stick on the step and pulled his knees up to his chest. “What’s going on, Andrew...?”

_ What’s going on? _

He wanted to tell Neil to go away. He wanted to tell him to leave him the fuck alone, it was none of his business. _ This _ was that sharing thing he’d talked about while they were discussing relationships... He didn’t do this very well, especially when he was in this kind of headspace. 

Neil’s foot nudged Andrew’s and he had the very sudden memory of his 13 year old self touching his foot to Neils, and the thrill that had shot up his spine when he did. 

Now?

Now it all just felt so _ easy _.

Neil reached out and gently took the laptop from Andrew’s hands. He didn’t resist or argue. In his own lap, Neil examined the screen, scrolling down the emails he’d been looking at. 

“Suggestions for new cases?” Andrew just nodded. 

Neil shut the laptop and set it aside. “Stale trauma, huh?”

For the first time in a long time, he found bee buzzing in his ear. 

_ Don’t shrug this off, _she said. 

_ Fuck. Fine. _

“Do you remember,” Andrew started after a moment, “when we were kids and we had that talk about fate? And I got angry over you saying that things happen for a reason?”

Neil nodded, but didn’t speak. 

Andrew continued, “These cases are why I was angry. What happened to me, what _ was _ happening to me, was why I was angry. I just don’t understand.” Andrew ran his fingers through his hair and clutched them there as he set his elbows on his knees. He tried to will himself to stop talking, but once he started, it was like a flood of words he wanted to keep buried deep inside, all of a sudden couldn’t be contained any longer. 

“Why do people do this? I just... I _ know _ I didn’t deserve what happened to me, now. As an adult, I can look back and see that nothing I could’ve done would have prevented it.” He tried to take a deep breath. It came in shallow and weak, “But I have a niece, Neil. She’s almost four years old. She’s the best fucking thing about this world and I would die for her a thousand times. And just the thought…” Andrew did stop talking then because he would never be able to speak it out loud. He couldn’t. 

“Hey,” Neil said, voice firm and grounding. Then softer, “Come here.” He held the blanket that was wrapped around his shoulders open on the side where Andrew sat and Andrew couldn’t resist the warmth he immediately felt emanating from it. He didn’t realize how cold he’d been until a shiver raced down his spine. Scooting closer, he allowed Neil to wrap him up beside him, his arm around his shoulder. 

Andrew let himself fall. He let himself _ feel _. He laid his head on Neil’s shoulder and buried his face in his neck. 

“I don’t know why bad things happen,” Neil murmured quietly. “I don’t know why things happened the way they did for you... I don’t know why my father liked to strap me down and cut me. I don’t know that it was fate or whatever. All I ever meant by that was sometimes, even when something is really, incredibly shitty, something good can be waiting at the end. I know that if things hadn’t happened in our lives the way they did, we probably would’ve never met.” He turned his face into Andrew’s hair and let his cheek rest there. Then, “You were the light, Andrew. At the end of this very dark, very fucked up tunnel, you were on the other side - just waiting to give me a _ place _ and a _ home _. I’m able to make peace with everything that’s happened because of that.”

Andrew let out a shaky breath. He didn’t know how to be that someone, but he supposed he’d done it so far...

Neil kissed the top of his head and Andrew closed his eyes - he let himself be reassured... Let himself be taken care of. Because right now, it was this or living in his own head with nothing but memories that would never leave him be and nightmares he couldn’t escape. 

“Come on.” Neil went to stand, and Andrew reluctantly followed when Neil held out a hand to help him up. “Let’s go to bed. It’s cold out here and it’s late.”

Andrew just nodded, not feeling strong enough to meet Neil’s eyes, but was given no choice when Neil put a finger to his chin and lifted his head. 

“You’re not wrong for feeling this way. I don’t ever want you to think you’re a burden, or that I don’t want to hear these things. You feel them because you’re a good fucking person, Andrew.” He slid his fingers along his jaw and cupped it, stepping just a little closer as he ran his thumb over the tight scars on his cheek. “Okay?”

Andrew nodded. 

_ Okay. _

Neil’s eyes flicked to his mouth for the barest second, but he didn’t try to kiss him. Not right now. 

And that, Andrew thought, was why Neil was everything. 

* * *

Neil spent Monday trying to slowly coax Andrew out of his head. He started with sugar. 

There was a place in town where they’d had brunch a few days ago, and Andrew had been a big fan of their french toast. So after making sure to leave a note this time, Neil left and picked up breakfast for the both of them. He even got hot chocolate to go for Andrew, extra whipped cream (properly distributed). 

Andrew was still in bed when he got back to the cabin. The lights were off and though Neil was loathed to wake him up, it was already approaching late morning and he didn’t want the food to go bad. So, he plated Andrew’s french toast, added plenty of butter and syrup, and went to wake him. 

He almost laughed when he walked in. Andrew had literally rolled himself into a burrito with the blanket. Neil could only make out a tuft of blonde hair sticking out of the top. He set the tray down on the small bench that was at the end of the bed and crawled up next to Andrew. He pulled the blanket down just enough to see his face, and Andrew slowly opened his eyes, blinking owlishly at Neil.

“Who disturbs my slumber?” he asked groggily.

“The street rat. Come on, I got you breakfast.”

Andrew groaned and rolled away from Neil. Rolling his eyes, Neil leaned over the edge of the bed to get at the food he’d left there, and picked up the plate of french toast. He held it near Andrew’s head and waved it around. 

From the depths of the blanket Neil heard a muffled but unmistakable, “Do I smell syrup? And butter? Is that french toast?” 

“Yep.” 

Neil heard someone once say that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. He didn’t really know if that was true, but the way to get Andrew to do something he really didn’t want to do was certainly accomplished the same way. And sugar. Sugar in his stomach. 

And also sometimes, a Maserati. 

Andrew rolled on to his back and with a lot of wiggling, managed to disentangle himself from the blankets. He scooted up to lean against the headboard, and brought the blanket with him, putting it over the top of his head and his shoulders. Neil just shook his head and went about handing Andrew the tray. He picked up the cup and took off the plastic lid to smell the contents. 

“Hot chocolate?” 

Neil nodded. 

“Thank you,” Andrew said quietly, eyes lingering on Neil’s for a moment, before looking down and picking up the fork. 

“You’re welcome. Let me know if you want anything else, there’s extra in the kitchen.” Neil stood and started to leave the room, but Andrew stopped him.

“Where are you going?” he asked through a mouthful of egg.

“To eat. I got myself food too, you know.”

“Eat in here?” Neil thought Andrew meant it as a statement, but it came out as a question. So, he just nodded and left to get his food and another tray, before sitting with his legs crossed on the bed next to Andrew. 

Neil was glad he was eating, since he didn’t very much yesterday, and after last night, he was afraid he’d try to go another day with barely any food. He still seemed distracted - brow furrowed as he ate. 

Neil decided he needed to create a diversion. 

“So, why do you like that one song so much?”

Andrew stopped cutting into his french toast to look up at Neil. 

“What song? And I ask you that, because I’m certain you didn’t just refer to Africa by Toto as _ ‘that one song’ _.”

_ This is going to be fun. _

“Yeah, that one. I mean, why? Like it’s okay, I guess. But it’s no, I’m Still Standing by Elton John.”

Andrew dropped his knife and fork and sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“I’m disappointed and quite frankly... ashamed, I even need to explain this to you again. Let’s start from the top....”

And that’s how they spent their entire morning. 

-

The day went by in a similar fashion. Neil letting Andrew know he was close by, but not wanting to crowd him. He felt a sense of triumph every time Andrew sought him out - even if it was just to sit next to him quietly while they both read on the deck. 

By the time dinner rolled around, Neil could tell Andrew was feeling a little more centered. Still quiet, still a little in his head, but okay enough to cook them lemon chicken, which they ate outside by the water. 

Neil took a bite and moaned a little, it was so fucking good. Andrew raised a brow and gave him an amused look. 

“If that’s the reaction I get out of you, I might have to start making this more.”

Neil swallowed and let out a small laugh. “You don’t need food to get this reaction out of me, you know.” He could’ve licked the bit of sauce off his thumb, or lingered on his fork or something. Instead, he decided to play it safe. “How’d you get so good at cooking, anyway?”

Andrew just shrugged, cutting his chicken methodically into tiny pieces. “I had to learn to cook for myself early on if I wanted to eat in some homes. Also, before Bee took guardianship of Aaron and me, we worked in the kitchen of Eden’s.”

Neil looked up from his chicken, momentarily confused. “What’s Eden’s?”

Andrew stabbed a tiny piece with his fork and examined it for a moment before putting it into his mouth. 

“Eden’s Twilight. It’s a club Nicky worked when we lived with him. He got us jobs in the back since we were minors and _ technically _not supposed to be working there.”

“I take it Bee put a stop to that?” Neil couldn’t imagine her allowing them to work under the table late at night, while they were in school. 

Andrew popped another piece of chicken in his mouth and looked contemplative for a moment before answering. “You know,” he started, small smile spreading slow on his lips, “I was going to say, no we quit because we wanted to, but now that I’m thinking back on it, she totally played us.”

“Oh yeah? Do tell.”

Andrew looked faintly amused. One side of his mouth crooked up more than the other in a half-smile and he shook his head a little. 

“Aaron and I weren’t opposed to living with her. We both knew her, but she was my therapist, so I think Aaron just trusted me. We just knew things had gotten really hard on Nicky. So, when we moved in with her and she sat us down to talk about rules and all that nonsense, I sat with my arms crossed and looked as bored as I could manage.”

“As you’re known to do.”

Andrew nodded. “As I’m known to do.” He put down his fork and lifted his short glass of whiskey as he continued, “She was talking about curfews and other things I planned to dismiss as soon as I could, so I stood up and said ‘We have jobs so we’ll be home when we get home.’ Bee didn’t argue.”

Neil cocked his head and set his own fork down, enthralled in this story. He loved hearing about Andrew as a kid and his dynamics with his family. Not to mention, seeing all his small antics that stuck around into adulthood. He found it endlessly amusing. “So? You kept working?”

“For a little while, yeah, and eventually we came to her and said we were quitting because it was too hard to keep up with school and other shit we had going on. She just nodded and said, ‘Yes, I can see how that would be hard.’ But, now that I’m sitting here thinking about it, I think she totally manipulated that situation. She would slip in little things here and there about how money was never an issue if we really needed it, and never to be afraid to come to her. She encouraged me to join the school paper when she read some of my essays for class and said I should do what I’d like, before worrying about work.”

Neil laughed out loud, he couldn’t help it. Bee was such a sweet, little woman. He could completely see it. “So she made you think it was your idea? Even though it was hers the whole time?” 

Andrew took a quick sip from his glass, then pulled out his phone. “She sure as shit did.” He laughed. “I’m going to text her right now.”

“This is why I don’t trust mental health professionals,” Neil said, still laughing. “The mind manipulation…”

“It was actually really smart,” Andrew conceded with a shrug. “If she’d sat us down that same night and told us we had to quit, it would’ve been an immediate fight. I would’ve kept that job my entire high school career, just out of spite.”

_ Of course... _ Neil shook his head, smile still there. Briefly, he wondered what he would’ve made of 16-year-old Andrew - it they met later in life... When he was in a healthy situation.

But, Neil supposed, in the grand scheme of things, it wouldn’t have mattered, because he wouldn’t have been in a healthy situation himself. Instead, he reminded himself once more that everything that had brought them to this spot by the water, eating this delicious food, was because things had happened exactly the way they happened. 

For better or worse. 

This was definitely better. 

“Ask Bee to send pictures of the cats.”

* * *

Tuesday was their last full day at the cabin, so Andrew tried to pull himself together. He knew he’d been stuck inside his head after going through all those cold cases and remembering, thinking, reminded that what happened to him, was happening to kids all over the world. 

And though it made him feel soul-crushing despair, this spiral _ was _ different from others he’d had, because Neil was here. He did not know how having someone else in his space would affect him, but it was... helpful. More than helpful. Neil knew when to keep his distance, he let Andrew come to him when he wanted, and he hadn’t initiated any sort of physical intimacy between them beyond passing touches. 

Tuesday morning, he woke before Neil and laid there for a long while, just watching him. They were both on their sides facing each other, and Neil had both arms under the pillow. His long lashes brushed against his high cheekbones. Andrew’s eyes were drawn to the burn scar on his cheek, and marveled a little at how it seemed to only add to his entire... everything. 

“Staring,” Neil mumbled cracking his eyes open and wincing against the sunlight coming in through the window. 

“It’s our last day,” Andrew said, instead of admitting that he _ had, _ in fact, been staring. 

He’d been doing so for a long time now. 

Neil moaned and rolled onto his back. “Don’t remind me... Do we have to go back? Let’s live here forever. No one will ever find us,” he murmured, reaching a hand up towards the ceiling. 

Andrew watched the light warm his already tanned skin and snorted. “Someone would find us, I’m sure. And I don’t even mean any of our ‘arch enemies’. Dan would sniff us out and drag us both back by the ear.” Andrew followed suit, rolling onto his back, too. 

Neil sighed. “That’s true, I suppose. Can’t let the team down...” Then, with brows furrowed and hand dropping down to the bed, “Seth is so nice, how could we hurt his feelings by abandoning him?” 

Andrew looked to Neil with a brow raised. “I forget sometimes that you didn’t know him when he was younger - when we were still in school.”

Neil shrugged, “Well he’s nice now. How have we not talked about him outing himself on the website as bi, when he was drunk? I didn’t know he was bi. Did you?”

“Yeah,” Andrew said, after a moment, recalling last week when Seth had texted him sometime in the middle of the night. “I knew. He never came out to all of us... but one day, he was just kind of, with a guy? And we all pretty much just took it at face value.” He paused for a moment, thinking back to his time at PSU and the man that Seth _ was _. “I think he had some internalized hate when he was younger, and that’s part of the reason he was so angry all the time. He was a fuckin’ homophobic dick. But,” Andrew considered, “either way I would probably never say it straight to his face, but I’m happy for him. I’m glad he’s able to embrace who he is now. This guy is a lot better than that other asshole.”

Neil leaned up on his elbow, tilting his head down at Andrew. “Why wouldn’t you say that to him? That’s really fucking nice?”

Andrew sat all the way up and slid off the bed to make his way to the shower. “Listen, we have a whole... who can be a bigger asshole, kinda thing goin’ back and forth. It works for us. If it isn’t broken, don’t fix it.”

Neil rolled his eyes and threw the blanket off of him, then scooted around Andrew to get to the bathroom first. “Whatever you say, _ babe _.” He shut the door before Andrew could get there.

Andrew banged on it, laughing, “You’ll pay for this later, Josten!”

He heard Neil laugh right back through the door. “Looking forward to it!”

* * *

They spent most of the day outside, but close to the cabin - walking the long trail, then taking a small canoe they found in the garage, out onto the river. Neither of them knew what the fuck they were doing in a canoe, but between the two of them, they somehow managed without any tipping or major casualties. 

At some point, they laid down in some grass near the water somewhere down the river - both shirtless, bandless, and uncaring with their eyes closed as they soaked in the warmth of the day. Neil suggested they go back when Andrew was looking distinctly pink, despite putting on sunscreen. 

“Your skin is so sensitive,” Neil said on their way up the grass, watching Andrew slather on more. “Or is this an attempt to keep your emo/goth aesthetic going?” 

Andrew rolled his eyes. “We can’t all be blessed with the bronze skin of the gods, jerk. You just get darker, don’t you? Do you even sunburn?” 

Neil shrugged, a smirk growing on his lips as he tilted his head against his shoulder, “I mean sure probably if I stayed out in the sun for a really long time? I don’t know though. Generally, yeah. I just get darker.”

Andrew shook his head as if he was disappointed. “Rude.”

Neil just shoved him a little laughing as they traipsed up the small hill to the cabin to get cleaned up for dinner. Neil busied himself with trying to track down their belongings, allowing Andrew to take a shower first. He was on the hunt for the mate to one of Andrew’s shoes, when he walked past the bathroom and caught Andrew looking at himself in the mirror through the open door. 

Andrew had his head turned, fingers running over his scars and sighing deeply. A container of the expensive scar cream Allison had bought him lay open on the counter. Andrew applied it every day, but they both knew there was no helping the damage that was done. Nonetheless, Andrew said it made them feel less tight, and after he’d applied the same cream to his own wounds that one day, Neil knew it worked.

_ But still. _

Andrew covered that side of his face with a hand and stared at his reflection. Neil dropped the shoe he was holding and pushed the bathroom door open a little more, announcing his presence. 

He hated to think that Andrew was ashamed of them - or that he felt less attractive, or that they made him think of that night in the woods with Lola. Neil had lived that life with his scars and now, he’d learned to live with them. Andrew even helped him see them as positive, just from the gentle attention he gave them when they were alone together. 

Andrew turned around to look at him. “Are you spying on me?”

“Yes, absolutely,” Neil replied, keeping his voice casual. “What are you doing?” 

Andrew turned back to the mirror and sighed, touching the scars again. “I’m just lamenting my beautiful skin... You know I never even had awkward teenage acne? And now this. It’s tragic.”

_ Tragic _

Neil took a step into the bathroom. “Is that all? And here I was, worried you were having traumatic flashbacks.” He moved further in, stopping only when he was behind Andrew, and put his chin on his shoulder. “I was worried you hated looking in the mirror because of them,” Neil admitted, quietly. 

Andrew furrowed his brow and turned around to face Neil properly.

Then, “Do you know what these scars remind me of?” he asked lowly. 

_ Trauma. Near-death. The knife poised above your chest and - _

“What?”

“That I killed that bitch and she’ll never hurt you again.”

_ That...it was...he just… _

Neil felt his eyes go wide and he stepped closer to Andrew without _ really _ meaning to. 

“Can I kiss you?” 

Andrew responded by kissing Neil first. Somewhere in between his lips and strong hands, he was moved out of the way and pressed against the wall so Andrew could slam the bathroom door shut. 

* * *

Andrew’s alarm went off early Wednesday morning. 

They had a flight to catch. One more stop before home. 

Neil was already awake this time and he rolled over to press himself against Andrew, to steal some of his body warmth. 

Andrew wrapped an arm around him and pulled him in closer so his head was on Andrew’s chest. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, a temporary shield against the undeniable fact that it was time to start their journey home.

“I don’t want to leave,” Neil murmured into the bare skin of Andrew’s chest. “But I’ll be glad to see the cats.”

“Hmmm,” Andrew agreed on a sigh. “Me, too. I miss King.”

Neil’s head popped up and Andrew turned to see the indignant look on his face. “What about Sir, huh? She’s a member of this family, too.”

_ This family. I love how that sounds. How odd... _

Andrew rolled his eyes and smiled at the thoughts in his head, “Of course Sir, too. But as fond of her as I am, she doesn’t ravish me with attention like King does. I need that kind of reassurance in my life.”

“I don’t give you enough reassurance?”

Andrew didn’t respond immediately. Not because he _ didn’t _ . Neil _ did _ give him reassurance. But, that didn’t mean Andrew didn’t still worry about things. The fact of the matter was, he was fully aware that he was a lot for someone to take on... After all, he had enough baggage for five and sometimes, he let that baggage drag him down - just like he had the other night. He didn’t want that, not when this relationship felt so _ right _ and _ real _ and like things were going like they were supposed to. 

However, at the same time, he’d moved Neil into his house immediately upon returning to South Carolina... He’d insisted he get a job at TFN, and while he firmly believed it was the right course of action, he couldn’t deny to himself that he selfishly wanted to keep Neil close - to keep an eye on him. 

Then, there was a small little part of himself that wondered…

_ Am I taking advantage of him? _

“What are you thinking?” Neil asked, smoothing out the crease between his eyebrows with a finger. 

Andrew hugged him tighter for a moment before asking, “Do you think this is moving too fast?” 

Neil sat up on his arm and looked down at Andrew with his brows furrowed and chin pulled back, “What? Why are you asking me that?”

_ Because - _

Andrew couldn’t look him in the eye. He stared up at the ceiling and shrugged his shoulders.

Then, he felt one of Neil’s legs slide up his own as he shifted, and lifted himself up so it was made obvious what he was intending to do. “Is this okay?” he asked first. Always asking first... 

“Yes,” Andrew murmured, nodding. So, Neil continued. Swinging one leg over Andrew’s hips, he slowly lowered himself until he was seated on Andrew’s lap, straddling him. Immediately after, he ran a slow hand up Andrew’s chest and wrapped it around his neck.

Andrew felt his pulse quicken under his fingers, but he didn’t move. He just looked... He looked, and he looked, and he felt _ while _ he looked. There was a part of him waiting for _ it _ . Expecting panic to spike through his veins and make him seize up for the anxiety of having a body on top of his own. He was waiting for the moment to come where he couldn’t stand it, until he had to fight, get away, to hide. But it never came. He felt nothing but warmth and _ whatever _, and as he looked up to see Neil, he was greeted by the morning light haloing his body - auburn hair tipped with shades of copper and cinnamon, and skin scattered with all those freckles.

_ Sometimes he seems too far to touch. _

Andrew’s breath caught in his throat and he squeezed Neil’s thighs where they hugged his hips. He couldn’t look away. He was transfixed, caught, mystified, in -

“This has been moving too fucking slow for the past thirteen years,” Neil murmured, reaching down and lacing his fingers with one of Andrews. “This was never casual for me, Andrew. This was never going to be a trial run... Do _ you _ think this is moving too fast?”

_ No. _

Sure, steady, secure, solid. Andrew sat up in one fluid motion and wrapped his free arm around Neil’s waist, “No, I don’t.”

He then rested his head on Neil’s chest and closed his eyes when he felt Neil’s warm hands run through his hair as he listened to the beat of Neil’s heart.

“Then we don’t have anything to worry about.”

* * *

All of their bags were packed. They’d checked under the bed and shaken out the sheets, gotten rid of all perishables and snapped the last few pictures they were going to snap - including one Neil had taken when Andrew was least expecting it of him kissing him right on his scarred cheek with the cabin in the background.

The luggage was in the car and they stood in front of it, staring at the house.

“We’re going to come back, right?” Neil asked. He didn’t want this to be the last time they came here. He felt like it had been a whole new milestone for them. Moving them closer together, opening them both up, just a little bit more. 

Andrew continued staring at the cabin before saying, “We should come back in the winter. I bet with snow it’s even better.”

Neil turned to look at him. “You hate the cold. Why would you want to come back here when it’ll be freezing?” 

Andrew just shrugged. “Seems like it’d be nice to sit in front of a fire with you.”

_ Oh _

Neil couldn’t argue with that. “Okay,” he said quietly. Then, “So we come back. In the winter, when we’re done with this next case. It’ll be our tradition to come every year, at least.”

_ Tradition... _

Andrew turned too then and held up his hand. Neil looked down to find his pink out and waiting. 

“Once a year at least,” he said.

Neil reached out and linked their pinkies together. 

“At least.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EEP! WE HOPE YOU LOVE THIS ONE AS MUCH AS WE DID!!!  
Now, first order of VERY IMPORTANT BUSINESS, TODAY IS OG CREATOR CLAIRES BIRTHDAY, AKA [SEABEARTHIRTEEN](https://www.tumblr.com/dashboard/blog/seabearthirteen) make sure you go give her all the fucking love. Seriously, please go fill up her inbox with all the well wishes imaginable. She deserves it and we love her to bits and fucking pieces!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY CLAIRE!!!!
> 
> Check out [BloodyDamnit's pinky promise painting](https://redrabbitspod.tumblr.com/post/187272665700/ooc-heres-how-the-boys-vacation-went-in-case) of these two boys to see what RR Neil and Andrew look like, post-Case 1 (a bit sloppy because I'm lazy. oh well. it's not getting finished :) )  
And comments and kudos are ALWAYS appreciated. Seriously yall, already we're seeing so much love for case 2 and the excitement is really ramping up. We are so, fucking, pumped to continue on with this world and drag yall in with us!!! Thank you once again for all the love and support. I know we say this every time, but it means the absolute world to us so... thank you. A million times thank you. <3


	2. Miami, FL - Seth/:) - M

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _ Seth finds a bit of happiness. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! So, we've been getting a lot of love for Seth ever since RR started. To be honest, we wanted to give him the redemption that we believe he always deserved. A lot of the fandom fancasted him as black and we decided to go along with it, giving him a backstory and growth that we felt he was capable of, but not able to actually show. Over time, Seth became more and more important to us and it seems, to you all as well.  
That brings us here, this chapter. We wanted to explore more of this man, dive into his backstory and figure out why he acted the way he did while in college, and try to figure out factors and people in his life that allowed him to move on.  
We really, really hope you like it. There's a bit of Renison in here too, so that's fun as well!  
A few CW's for this chapter:  
There is a bit of sexual content, though it's very _very_ brief and only mildly explicit. We cut it off before anything happens and it's far less explicit than even canon. So, just so you're warned, it happens towards the end of the chapter.  
There are uses of the words 'queer' and 'fag' in bad ways. We are talking about Seth and his past, so the words _are_ going to come up. Just keep that in mind, but we hope we rectify them a bit through Seth's new pov and who he is.  
Brief mention of suicide  
Background character death  
mention of past drug abuse  
I think that's it?
> 
> At the end of the chapter we'll link to his blogpost that led those that keep up with the website here. It's a bit of extra reading and info on how he was raised, his family, and his feelings a few weeks later now after the events of Miami.  
OH AND A BIT OF HOUSEKEEPING! We've heard that some of you didn't get emails for last weeks chapter, even if you are subscribed to Red Rabbits. So! Make sure you subscribe here so you're emailed when we post, especially if you don't follow the tumblr! Our schedule may become erratic, though we are aiming for every Sunday. But, just in case, please subscribe!!!
> 
> I think that's it? Okay! We hope you enjoy!!
> 
> *** This one shot takes place after case 1, at the same time as The Cabin

Seth was tired. 

Well, he was always tired. However today, he was _ really fucking tired _, because at 4:30 this morning, he’d finally gotten off from a gig. On a normal day, he’d still be buzzing and honestly? He wished he was because maybe then, he would’ve accepted the very tempting invitation by bartender Aisha to go home with her. Alas, here he was. Tired and wanting nothing more than to curl up in bed and sleep for the next twelve hours. 

Which, by the way, he’d completely earned. This past weekend, he’d labored over the last episode of (apparently) season 1 of Red Rabbits and while everyone else was out living their lives, he still had shit to do - like always. Even with the small break via Minyard and new-ginger-addition-Josten, everything was always _ go go go _ in Seth’s schedule. They were off in New York? He was busy putting together Dayly Exy, cast interviews, and working his morning radio slot with WXBT. They were still going through shit with the FBI? He was sitting through hours of horrific fuckin’ audio, trying to piece together a cohesive series of events and cutting out what was and was not ‘okay’ for the audience to hear. And yes, he didn’t live through it and he was so fucking happy everyone was alive, and okay, and _ thriving _ . But by god, this wasn’t the only job he worked and at this point, the past five months had lead up to this moment, where all he wanted was to _ sleep sleep sleep _ and _ dream dream dream _ about how nice Aisha would’ve been and -

Instead, he was up at the asscrack of dawn catching a plane to Miami. Cool, dope, awesome. 

Okay, that was a lot of unjust sarcasm. It really was cool, dope, and awesome, and despite the exhaustion, Seth was really fucking excited. Why? Because Allison had finally convinced him to DJ one of her events. 

She’d tried in the past, countless times really, and he’d always declined, because the thing was, Seth knew better. He’d been clean for six years and in that time, he’d learned what his triggers were. It’s why he only DJed places he knew and for clients he’d been working with for nearly a decade. While there, he could still drink without falling down a _ rabbit hole _ , but he didn’t fancy throwing himself into unforeseen circumstances just for a paycheck, and that’s what hosting a gig in Miami with a bunch of rich fuckers passing around designer clothes and designer drugs sounded like. That shit he didn’t trust, no matter how much he trusted Allison. She even tried one time after they’d gotten done fucking. Seth supposed she thought he’d be in a good enough mood and at the time, he _ was _. Allison was a force, but that didn’t change anything. 

Even after her promises. She said she didn’t allow that kind of shit to go on at her parties, that she had no tolerance for it. Alcohol was fine, even weed was cool with her - but hard drugs and pills were a line she expected her guests and staff to adhere to. Seth trusted her on that, but that didn’t mean that others followed her rules. There would always be that one fuckin’ guy, and Seth? He’d be the one to find him. He always was. 

So, he avoided hosting her parties. 

Why he finally agreed to this one? He wasn’t entirely sure. Maybe it was because of the guilt trip Allison laid on him and couldn’t say no to (not with those fuckin’ eyes). Apparently, her regular DJ had bailed and she didn’t want someone playing the same old shit that comes on the radio twenty times a day. She wanted Seth and his ‘brand of music’, the ‘type of shit you’ve never heard before, but shazam and go home to hear some more of’. Maybe she stroked his ego a bit, but Seth didn’t blame her. 

He _ was _, in fact, a really good fuckin DJ. 

Not to mention, it didn’t slide past him that she probably asked because everyone else in the office was gone and living their lives. Minyard was off with Neil at some lovers retreat; Renee was already in Miami, helping Alli get things ready; Dan was with Matt _ fucking _ Boyd, probably humping his brains out <strike> _lucky bitch_ </strike>; and Seth was resolutely alone. 

So, Seth left too. He wanted to live a little and sure, maybe knowing Renee was going to be there made him feel a bit better. If she could handle this party with beauty and grace <strike>and miss united states, _i’m sorry_</strike>, then he fuckin could too, goddamnit. 

He got no sleep on the plane and while he didn’t have an issue with heights, he did with asshole-middle-seat shoving his fucking elbow in his side for the majority of the flight. Luckily, it was short and Seth occupied himself with finalizing a few backup playlists for tonight (afterall, you never know what the audience will be into). Thankfully, the plane was crawling towards their gate and he could amuse himself with interaction. Turning his airplane mode off, texts came in rapidly - most from random acquaintances he barely knew and party-goers from last night. Each one was some variation of the same thing, too. Another party, drugs, or sex. He ignored them all in favor of texting Allison that he’d landed. 

He slid his phone back into his pocket, sighed, rubbed his eyes, and thought maybe, just maybe, he’d have time for a nap before this event started. 

It didn’t take long for them to finally get up. Taking a deep breath, he stood to unboard with asshole-elbows and the rest of the back of the plane. He smiled at the flight attendants, he smiled at the people he passed on the way to arrivals, he smiled at the guy that took his order at the Starbucks on the way out. 

His face was tired, too. 

Taking a long, much-needed sip of the blended, sweetened, black iced coffee, he bounced on his toes for this shit to start working when his phone rang. When he pulled it out, it was Allison. 

“You here?” 

_ ‘No, Renee and I got caught up meeting with this incompetent fucking vendor who messed with the wrong bitch today.’ _

Seth rubbed his eyes again. “Guess I need to get an Uber?”

_ ‘No, no, I sent Dion to meet you. He should be there by now, waiting on you. I just wanted to let you know to look for him instead of me.’ _

_ Ooh, Dion, _ Seth nodded to himself and looked around the commercial terminal. He didn’t feel like being in a car with someone he didn’t know. He needed conversation. And Dion, he knew, was very good for that. 

With his carry on beside him, Seth used his toe to pull it closer and grab the handle with his non-Venti pinky. “Okay. I’ll find him. See you soon.”

Seth made his way to arrivals where Dion should be waiting. He wasn’t hard to spot. Not taller than Seth, he was still tall and thin with his hair pulled back in braids and a bright white smile. Seth smiled back automatically.

“Hey, you,” Dion said, coming in for a hug. Seth hugged him back and squeezed. 

He liked Dion. He had no fuckin’ clue how the thing with him and Minyard had ever even worked, but every time he was in the office, he was just... really fuckin’ cool. With an ear for music, sometimes he and Seth would sit in the soundbooth, just showing each other different shit they liked and underground artists from their respective cities. They’d always gotten along well. 

Easy.

“Hey,” Seth said back, still grinning. “Alli making you do all the grunt work again? I hope she pays you enough.” Okay. And maybe during Dion’s time in SC, Seth flirted with him a bit. It was nothing big, not when Dion was doing whatever it was he was doing with Minyard, and not when Seth was messing around with Alli in the beginning. But, maybe there was a hand at the back, something murmured a bit close - he couldn’t help it. Dion was attractive and Seth was attracted and, well. He _ could _ help it, he just didn’t fucking want to. 

<strike>Anyway.</strike>

Dion laughed and the sound was deep and smooth. “Trust me,” he smirked, “She does. Besides, this is the one task I certainly don’t mind doing.”

Easy. Yes. That’s what this was. So, fucking, easy. They flowed. 

“I mean, I’m fucking amazing, so why would you?” Seth raised a brow and Dion rolled his eyes good-naturedly. Then, together they turned towards the parking lot. 

Dion had one of Allison’s cars and after Seth threw his bag in the ridiculously tiny trunk, he sat in the passengers and moved the seat back as far as possible. 

“These cars are fuckin’ ridiculous,” Seth said, trying not to let his knees hit the dash. “You gotta be Minyard sized to drive around in one of these things...”

Dion laughed again and shook his head, pulling out of his spot. “Andrew may be small, but he makes up for it in other ways.”

Seth gagged and held up his hands, “Yo... No, I don’t want to hear this shit.”

Dion shrugged, still smirking. “What do you want to hear?”

“More about me, please.”

Seth sunk down into his seat and closed his eyes. He and Dion kept up a steady stream of conversation all the way to Allison’s - which was saying something because he felt like he was going to pass out any second. But, talking to Dion was easy. They were both naturally flirty people and that always kept the conversation fun and upbeat. He didn’t have to think. It just flowed.

“So,” Dion said, leaning out of the window to punch in a code to the gate of Allison’s gigantic fucking mansion. “What’s up with Andrew and the new guy, anyway? I asked Allison, but she just shrugged at me.”

Seth snorted. Allison didn’t have time to think about any of that, he was sure. “You mean Neil?” he confirmed and when Dion just raised a brow, he continued. “I don’t know details because they don’t share shit, but it’s legit. Living together and everything.” He pursed his lips for a moment and slowly sat up in his seat as they drove through the gates and down the stupid-long drive. “You can just tell when they’re around each other. I’ve never seen Minyard in such a good mood...” Seth shrugged, unsure of what else to say. 

“So, it’s serious then?”

_ Huh... _ He looked over at Dion and studied his profile. “Jealous?” He asked with a growing grin. 

Dion scoffed and rolled his eyes. “Please. Andrew was nice to fool around with, but he’s not someone I’d want to bring home.” Then, “It ran its course,” he shrugged. “To be honest, I’m actually just really happy for him. I feel like he needs someone who can both put up with his bullshit and call him out on it.”

“Well, that seems to be Neil,” Seth said and it was the truth. He was happy for the both of them and Neil was cool as hell. He didn’t know anyone that could put up with <strike>the monster</strike> Andrew for more than a limited amount of time. Neil had not only found a way to do that, but he softened the jagged edges that Andrew constantly used to cut those around him. He was calmer with Neil around and it made Seth feel good to see them grow. 

It also made him feel incredibly lonely.

<strike> _Minyard can find someone, but I can't. Woooowwww_ </strike>

Dion eventually pulled around the circular drive and parked in front of the walkway that led to the front door. A fountain trickled across from them and Seth took a moment to pat himself on the back for getting this bad bitch to even look at him, before getting out. He grabbed his bag from the back before the two of them made their way down the walk and up the few stairs. Without knocking or warning, Allison opened it once they got close and greeted Seth with an automatic hug. 

“How was your flight?” She asked, a little breathless. Once she released him from her hold, she turned and walked down the polished wood floors that made up her _ foyer _. She was barefoot and for some reason, it made Seth smile to see. He liked it when she was laid back and comfortable. 

It was also a nice contrast to the opulent house that swallowed him whole as soon as Dion closed the door behind them. He had no idea how many bedrooms or bathrooms, but his rough estimate was a fuck ton. It was an Italian villa type mansion and the colors were deep, but bright. Large columns extended all the way to the wide windows that let in an abundance of light. Everything, from the furnishings to the decorations looked like Allison. Rich, but practical. 

He and Dion followed her into the living room area, where Renee was comfortably seated - perfectly in and out of place. Her short hair was pulled back as she went through some papers that were stacked on the table in front of her, and she looked up at their arrival with that bright smile she always seemed to have. Standing, Renee greeted him with a hug. “I’m so glad you came,” she said into his chest. He hugged her back and kissed the top of her head because he was glad to see her. Seth had a big family with six brothers, 4 nieces, 1 nephew, and another on the way, and with the history he had with most of them, it made it hard to feel like he could be himself. He loved them, but in some ways, he was scared of them. 

With the Foxes, it was completely different - especially with Renee. They knew him and his bullshit, and loved him anyway. In regards to Renee, she was the first to really see him for who he was, before _ he _ even could, and it was nice. It felt good to have friends like that. He appreciated her and the rest of the team. 

“I told you I would, didn’t I? I’m a lot of things, but a liar isn’t one of them.”

<strike>Well</strike>

“Okay,” Allison interrupted, pulling out her phone and started scrolling through. Renee disconnected herself from Seth, and went back to her spot on the couch. “The event starts at nine, but I’ll need you at the venue early to look at the equipment you’ll be working with and to do a soundcheck.” She angled her head towards Seth even though her thumbs tapped away on her screen. “I’m going to have the models walk through the party as it’s happening, but I want specific music playing for each piece that comes out. Dion,” she inhaled a deep breath and looked up at the both of them, “should have a list of the music for you.” Her brow raised and Dion just nodded. She went on, “So, I would say if you get there by... six? I think that will work.” 

Seth looked at his watch. It was just now around ten. 

“Mind if I crash until then?” he asked. “I had a gig last night and I’m fuckin’ dead. I need my beauty sleep if I’m going to wow your rich industry friends tonight.”

Allison rolled her eyes and gestured errantly, “Sure. D can show you to a room. Renee and I will probably already be at the venue when you get there, so we’ll see you then.” She finally looked up properly, putting her phone away and turning to Dion. She pointed to Seth, “Send me a picture of his outfit before you leave the house. I want to make sure it’s appropriate for the event.”

Seth looked down at himself, then back up at Allison with furrowed brows. “The fuck? You think imma show up lookin’ like a fuckin’ hobo or something? When have you ever not known me to dress right?”

Allison appeared unmoved. She just shrugged. “This is an industry event. I have to make sure. If I don’t approve, I have racks of clothes here you can go through.”

Seth wanted to protest again because _ rude _, but free clothes didn’t seem so bad. Considering that, he tilted his head side to side and kept quiet, following Dion down a wide hall. 

His room seemed to be part of a series of other guest rooms. There were five others dispersed down the hall, all with the same door but different mosaic tiles decorated above. His had some sort of symbol that he would’ve teased Allison for looking _ witchy _ , but it was probably some cultural thing. _ Dope _. They reached his room, which was the first in the hall, and Dion leaned against the door. 

“I’ll be hanging out here going over Alli’s schedule, so let me know if you need anything, okay? I’ll wake you when you need to get ready to go.”

Seth just smiled and without thinking, put a hand on the side of Dion’s neck. He didn’t know why he did it. He just wanted to? Nonetheless, Dion smiled back and Seth walked into the room without anything further. 

He barely took in his surroundings before he dropped his bag and collapsed onto the bed. He passed the fuck out. 

-

Seth woke up to someone tickling his face. Startling, he groaned and opened his eyes groggily, only to see Dion sitting on the side of the bed and smirking at him. Seth narrowed his eyes and grabbed Dion’s arm, pulling him down on the bed next to him and wrapping an arm around him so he couldn’t move. 

“There,” he mumbled, voice rough with sleep. He closed his eyes and snuggled closer, “Now you can’t move and I can sleep more.”

Dion laughed, wiggling to get out of Seth’s hold. “As enjoyable as this arrangement is, you need to get up and get ready. Allison will kill me if you’re late - and by kill me, I mean she’ll get really shrill and I’ll have to put out the steam coming from his ears. I really hate having to do that... Don’t make me,” he whined. 

Seth sighed and let him go. “Fine. Be that way.” He used a hand to start to push him out of the bed. “You’re mean. Alli’s mean. Everyone in Miami is fucking mean and I hate y’all.” He rolled over to his other side, but his legs got tangled in the blankets he’d somehow pulled over himself during his nap. Groaning, he kicked them off. 

Dion just laughed and nodded slowly, “It’s true. You’re in the land of plastic surgery and botched ass-fillers,” Seth stopped his fidgeting and smirked, raising a brow suggestively. Dion rolled his eyes and pulled the blankets off the rest of the way. “Shut up,” he laughed, then patted Seth’s cheek. 

Seth finally rolled off the bed and stretched his arms over his head. Rubbing his hand through his curls, messing them up, even more, he pulled his shirt off and walked around Dion to go take a shower. On the way, Dion whistled. 

“Damn, baby. You been workin’ out?”

Seth laughed and it was a good laugh that woke him up even more. Turning around to face Dion, he paced backward towards the ensuite. It was just so _ easy _ with Dion. He was with Andrew, so there was never a weirdness or pressure. And even though he _ wasn’t _ with Andrew anymore and they shamelessly flirted, Seth still appreciated him as a friend. 

He rubbed a hand over his stomach. “You know Matt Boyd?”

“The gorgeous exy player with the incredible ass and megawatt smile? Nah, don’t know him.”

Seth grinned. “Well, he and Dan have been dating, so he’s been hanging around the studio and -”

“Woah - hold the fuck on. Back it up. Allison banishes me back to Miami right as Matt Boyd starts hanging around?” He pulled back his chin and put a hand to his chest. “That bitch... I swear to god she did that on purpose.”

“Yo,” Seth’s brows raised. “The first time he walked in, I thought I would fuckin’ pass out. He’s hotter in person, but - Anyway, so he’s been hanging around and showed me what he fuckin’ does to look like _ that _.”

“Well,” Dion tilted his head. “No complaints here. Walk around like that any time.”

Seth winked and turned his back, opening the bathroom door. “I’m showering. My bag is over there,” he gestured vaguely, “if you want to see what I brought to wear. If you don’t approve, feel free to get whatever shit Alli has. I know you’ll have the last say anyway.”

Right as he was about to close the door, he caught a “Smart man,” and Dion winking back.

-

Seth came out with a towel wrapped around his waist when he was finished, to see an outfit laid out on the bed. None of the clothes were his. There was a pair of pants that almost looked formal - dark gray with white pinstripes, but ankle length and tight in the legs. A thick white stripe ran all the way down <strike>and he’d be lying if he didn’t quickly look in the mirror to admire his own ass in them.</strike> Above them was a plain white t-shirt, which looked fairly normal except for how it hugged his shoulders and biceps. There was also a pair of white Air Force 1’s and a necklace that Seth stared at for longer than necessary with a lump climbing in his throat. It would hit him right between his pecs and had a diamond-encrusted pendant that said S3X, his DJ name. He held it in his hand for a long time and shook his head. 

Alli really was one of the best of ‘em. 

He dressed quickly and went back into the bathroom to do his hair. He worked product into his curls and looked at himself from different angles to make sure everything looked right. He put the necklace on last and fastened his watch around his wrist before venturing out of his room, sliding his wallet and his phone into his pockets as he went. 

Dion was in the kitchen, a tablet in front of him. He was already dressed in a pair of tight black pants and a black button-down. One leg was crossed over the other and a pair of black Air Jordan 1 Retro OG “Cyber Monday”’s with the white sole (Seth liked shoes). He looked up when Seth walked in. 

“You clean up nice, baby,” he said with a smile. 

“So do you. How’d you get into those fuckin pants? Cant, you breathe?”

Dion laughed. “A wish and a prayer, and no, I can’t.” He flashed those white teeth in a smile. “Who needs oxygen when you’re this gorgeous?” He turned off the tablet and slid it into a leather bag beside him on the counter. “Ready?”

Seth looked at his watch, brows furrowed. “It’s only 3:00. Alli said I don’t need to be there until six? Why are we leaving so early?”

“Because I’m ridiculously paranoid about things going wrong, so the sooner we get there, the better. Besides, there’s nothing better to do and there’s free food and drink at the venue.”

_ Oh - _ well they didn’t have any choice now, did they?

Seth _ dutifully _ followed and in what seemed like no time at all, they pulled up to the front of a St. Regis Bal Harbor Resort. The beach glimmered in the distance and music could already be heard. Seth got out, sunglasses on, and slung his bag over his shoulder. He wasn’t sure how much of what he brought he would actually need. Allison said there was a deck already set up at the venue and he was sure the equipment was nicer than anything he could ever even hope to afford. But, he _ had _ to have his own headphones, and he _ had _ to have his own mixes on several thumb-drives because habit was habit and it was good practice. 

The place was... well, it was what one would expect from Allison’s events. Shiny marble floors, opulent mirrors and paintings of beaches and famous people he couldn’t fucking recognize. Chandeliers were stationed every 10 fucking feet and their crystals reflected off every surface of the lobby. Dion led him towards a wide ballroom that had an entire wall open to the pool where people were already milling around with music pumping through the air, and the beach. Seth considered it with a tilt of his head and a hum of appreciation, before Dion turned them towards his small stage and set up. 

Seth had been right. It was all top of the line, state of the art shit that he’d drooled over online and added to numerous shopping carts, just to see it there and never to visit again. He set his bag down and ran gentle fingers over everything as adrenaline started to spike in his veins. 

Fuck, he was excited. 

“We don’t need to go over specifics right now,” Dion told him. “I just wanted to get here early just in case. Feel free to wander around and hang out. There’s a party out by the pool-” 

Seth’s head snapped up. “And say, ya boy Seth, wanted to partake in said party?”

Dion shook his head, “I don’t care what you do, so long as you can hit your cues by 9pm when the event starts. Got it?” Dion’s face was as serious as Seth had ever seen it, and he couldn’t help the laugh that was threatening to breakthrough. 

“Don’t look at me like that,” Dion said, trying to keep a straight face. “I’m serious. If anything goes wrong Alli will be a nightmare for a month.”

Seth tried and failed to school his face into a serious expression. “Yes, Sir,” he said, giving Dion a salute and a furrowed brow. The other man laughed, and Seth felt accomplished. “Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. Just gonna relax a little before I have to do this thing.”

Dion just rolled his eyes with a smile before heading off to do whatever important work he had to do. Seth stashed his bag under the booth in a locker and made his way outside. 

Bikini-clad women and swim-trunked men danced in open areas and splashed in the pool. Most sat at the sides, drinks in their hands, laughing, sipping, and eating. The sun was bright today and despite the heat, he basked in it as he made a beeline for the food, and after getting something in his stomach, the bar. He ordered himself a vodka redbull to try and wake himself up a bit more, then seamlessly integrated himself into the crowd of party-goers. He was good at that. He was good at making conversation with strangers and he smiled charmingly as he chatted up a few girls, got some numbers he never intended to use, danced with a half naked guy in a speedo with an impressive outline on display, and finally sat himself on one of the lounge chairs, pulling out his phone and setting his... _ 3rd? 4th? _drink down. 

He was... not _ drunk _, but he was drunk. 

<strike> _I’m drunk._ </strike>

Seth knew any number of substance abuse experts would tell him he shouldn’t be drinking as a recovering pill addict, but alcohol was one thing Seth never had a problem letting go. Back _ then _, he’d stopped for a couple years after getting clean, but slowly introduced it to himself again. Besides, Seth knew his limits, knew when he was getting too drunk, and knew how long it would take to get sober. He, however, did not know how to keep his fuckin’ mouth shut when he was feeling toasty. 

Which was why opening up the Red Rabbits website to see what was going on and answering asks, was probably a bad idea. Nonetheless, he did it anyway because here’s the thing about Seth and the listeners: he fucking loved them. He loved answering asks and having people send him more and ask him about shit that didn’t fuckin’ matter. It made him feel special, if he were being totally honest with himself. These people didn’t know him, but that was okay. They didn’t _ need _ to know that he was lonely, or that he smiled so much that sometimes, it felt like a mask. They didn’t need to know that he still had an old phone in a drawer, complete with numbers to old bad influences and dealers. He’d never used it, but he kept it despite the fact that he knew every mental health and addiction specialist would tell him it was a bad idea. It didn’t matter though, not really. He was _ fine _ now and _ no one _ needed to know all those dark corners of himself - he didn’t think. Seth was content to show people parts of himself that were fun and happy, because he wanted to believe that’s all there was. 

<strike> _Of course, things change._ </strike>

He felt someone sit down next to him and turned to see Renee there, smiling. 

“Having fun?” She asked. 

He nodded and took another sip of his drink. “Hell yeah, this is amazing. I don’t know why I didn’t take Alli up on this sooner.”

Renee shrugged, “You had good reason to be wary. Drunk already?”

“Fuck yeah.”

She laughed and bumped her shoulder into his. “Well, just make sure you’re sober and ready to go by the time the event starts, okay? This is a big one for Allison.”

Seth waved a hand at her. She worried too much. “I’ll be fine. My reputation is on the line here too, you know. Do you know? I don’t know. But it is. Probably.”

Renee just shook her head. “How are you doing? Everything okay back home?” 

Seth slowly nodded, but didn’t answer beyond that. He didn’t really want to talk about Palmetto or Alabama, or whichever _ home _ she was referring to. He just wanted to live in the right now and pretend like this party was his life. 

Renee seemed to sense that. She stood up and leaned down to kiss Seth on the cheek. She kept a hand there and he looked up at her. 

“You’re a good man. Thank you for helping Alli out.”

Seth swallowed hard, nodded, then looked away from her. _ Why the fuck is she always doin’ that shit? _ Right when he was already at the tipping point of falling into his feelings, she always found a way to make him _ feel _ more than he wanted. The worst part was, it was always about _ himself _. 

_ Ugh. _

As a distraction, he answered some more asks on the website - not even really knowing what he was even fucking saying. He guessed he just wanted more people to talk to him. There were lots at this party, but in all actuality, he was just one more body in the writhing, dancing, drinking crowd. 

Eventually, after Seth had stopped himself from drinking and had eaten a good amount of bread rolls to try and soak up the alcohol, Dion found him and ushered him back inside. Already, he had a critical eye, glancing over him quickly. 

“Your hair is a mess,” he sighed. “Here, sit down.” He sat Set on a stool that was behind his booth and stood in front of him. Pulling out a water bottle, he wet his hands and carded his fingers through Seth’s hair, before reaching into his bag and grabbing some product. Like it was nothing, he started finger curling whatever curls that got messed up and Seth closed his eyes. His fingers felt nice in his hair. 

Seth had been told at some point in his life, that he naturally attracted people and he knew that. Happy go lucky on the outside, he was all smiles and hugs and playful teases. He had no problems with his sex life. He was careful and though he wasn’t opposed to the occasional one-night stand (more than occasional), he was generally a relationship person which would probably be shocking to all that knew him. But really, he just wanted someone to spoil and take care of. It’d been a long time since he’d had that and it’d been even longer since the person he’d cared about the most in the entire goddamned world, had left him. Forever. It was a hole that never quite healed and there was an emptiness that occupied his place. So, to have even a casual, non-sexual touch like this felt intimate and as innocent as it was, it made his shoulders relax and his eyes remain closed without meaning to. 

Unfortunately, the fingers were gone too soon and he felt Dion’s hands on his shoulders, squeezing gently. “You okay?” He asked, leaning down so Seth felt his breath on his cheek. He raised a hand and put it on top of one of Dion’s. 

“Yeah, I’m good. Just tired still, I guess.” He stood then and leaned over to get his bag from the locker under the booth. He began unpacking what he’d brought with him, but Dion lingered. 

“Yeah, well. Drinking and dancing in the Miami sun will do that to a person.” He poked his side and Dion’s smile made Seth smile more. Then, all of a sudden he said, “Look alive, baby. Allison’s coming this way.”

Seth redirected his gaze and looked up from sorting everything to see Allison walking over, looking stunning as usual with a laptop grasped at her side. She wore a tight black dress that hit below the knee, but hugged every curve Seth knew and made his eyes follow the lines of her body. Her heels were clear, showing her red polish. She was gorgeous, as always, and Seth couldn’t believe she’d ever consented to sleeping with _ him _. 

“Alliiiii,” he said, eyeing her. “Damn, you look good. Tryin’ to seduce everyone into buyin’ your clothes or somethin’?”

Allison smiled, diamond grill in place and lips painted red. “Whatever works,” she shrugged and held out the laptop for him. “Everythings already on here. Thought you could use this time organizing your own music after the scheduled tracks.”

“Right, right, right,” he said, leaning over and grabbing it from her. He set the computer down on one of the raised platforms on the booth and opened it up. Rather than focusing through, he turned his full attention to her and touched the pendant on his chest. “Thank you for this. It’s fucking amazing, for real.” Seth knew he wasn’t saying everything he wanted to say, but he didn’t really know how, right now. 

He didn’t have to. Allison waved him off. “You’re at _ my _ event and you need to look like it. Not to mention, you’re my friend and you deserve it.” _ Fuck, Alli. make me feel why don’t you. _ “Consider it a bonus.” She waved an errant hand and stepped up beside him, tapping the tabletop with her long nails. “Anyway, let’s go over your cues and what I have listed.”

They went over everything once, twice, and then a third time for almost an hour. Her music choices wouldn’t have been his, but he didn’t mind and he wasn’t the artist. Afterward, she told him he could play whatever he wanted once the models were done walking and were mingling throughout the crowd. She wanted a constant stream of upbeat music, keeping people moving and dancing. Her clothes, as she described them, were meant to be exciting and she wanted people to hold onto that feeling throughout the party. 

Once she left and Dion was taking care of other things, he arranged what music he definitely wanted to play, and then would leave the rest up to spontaneity and how the crowd responded. 

8:30 rolled around quickly and Seth was in place, bouncing on the balls of his feet. The adrenaline rush was fast coming. It always happened before a gig, where he was equal parts excited and _ really _ fuckin’ ready to get the people hyped. 

Which was what happened. The event went off smoothly. Alli’s models were all gorgeous and all real, which Seth thought was nice to see. They were a mix of races and all different kinds of curvy - even the men. It was smart, he thought. It showed off how versatile her clothes were on different body types. 

He easily managed to say on top of all his cues and played Allison on the stage when she stood before his booth with applause from the crowd. He could see Dion off to the side, with a black diamond mic held out for her to take. 

“Thank you! Thank you to everyone here for coming and for buying my clothes like I know you will!” The audience laughed and Allison gave them a show-stopping wink. She turned her body then, gesturing out towards the crowd. “Thank you to our gorgeous models and all of the crew who made this show happen. My girl Renee is here and without her, I would’ve completely fallen apart before this event, so thank you Rey, for being my rock.” Seth couldn’t see Renee in the audience, but he knew she was blushing. “And!” Allison announced, turning towards him. “Let’s hear it for DJ S3X! My boy Seth Gordon and absolute _ fuckin _’ real one. He came through when that other guy I don’t know anymore bailed on me, and he’s fucking amazing. So, get ready to party for the rest of the night! There’s food and drink, and the models will be walking the crowd if anyone wants to take a closer look! Thank you again!” She bowed like the real fucking artist she was, before hanging her mic back to Dion to the applause of the crowd. 

Seth immediately turned the set around and went into one of his dance mixes - none of that repetitive, high-techno shit, but artists that everyone knew, mixed with underground artists people didn’t. He knew for himself, he hated going clubbing and hearing all the same shit - dated or badly mixed. He wanted to hear fresh, new shit. He wanted to be able to sing along to the songs and get lit, but also hear shit that he hadn’t heard before. Seth was in his element, nodding his head to the beat and working the controls. He fuckin’ loved this equipment. He was going to have to stop spending so much money on take-out, so he could live to afford this one day. 

A couple of hours into the party, Dion came over to the booth with a drink in each hand. Seth leaned over to hear him over the music. 

“Take a break! I brought you a drink!”

Seth grinned and nodded. He’d taken a quick water and bathroom break, but that was it so far. He turned to the computer and put on a playlist to play while he stepped away, and came around the booth to take the drink from Dion. He smacked a kiss on his cheek and leaned into his ear, “You’re an angel.”

Dion laughed and pulled Seth a little further into the crowd. “Dance with me!”

So, Seth did. With a drink in one hand and a genuine smile on his lips, he danced with Dion. They moved their hips together to the beat and laughed at one another while they did. It was so _ easy _ . Seth felt _ good _ . He felt _ relaxed _ and _ happy _, now that he’d successfully pulled off this event. 

Dion turned so his back was to Seth and molded their bodies together. They were flush against one another, hips still moving. A small thrill shot through Seth’s stomach and he put the hand not holding his drink on Dion’s hip. This felt more intimate and even though he couldn’t see Dion’s face, he was getting lost in it - lost in the feel of Dion’s ass pressed against him in those tight fuckin’ pants and the feel of their legs pressed together, moving to the beat. Seth leaned down and ran his nose on the outside of Dion’s ear. Dion reached up, placing a hand on the back of Seth’s neck, continuing to grind on him. 

The song was over too soon, bleeding seamlessly into Brockhampton, but Seth needed to get back to the booth. Dion turned around and Seth was pleased to note he seemed just as flustered as Seth felt. 

“Thanks for the dance,” he said, running his hand down to Seth’s chest and pushing him away towards the booth. Dion started back into the crowd and Seth watched him go - for once at a loss for words. 

-

There was a pounding and Seth was pretty sure it was his head. He rolled over and pulled a pillow over it with a groan. Maybe, just _ maybe _ he could sleep more but -

_ Knock, knock, knock. _

Louder this time and Seth groaned into the pillow, before realizing it was someone at the door. 

“Come in,” he called groggily. 

Dion poked his head in smiled softly. “Hey, sleepyhead. I’m sorry to wake you. It’s almost 2 already, and I figure you needed some water to help ward off a hangover.”

“My Hero,” Seth whined, using all the strength he had to sit up in bed. Dion handed him a glass of water and two aspirin, and Seth took them gratefully. He started to leave again, but Seth shook his head and immediately regretted it with a groan. “Hey, where you goin’?”

“I didn’t want to bug you! Just wanted to bring you this.”

“Nah, you’re here now. You have to stay.” Dion laughed, but didn’t protest. He sat down in one of the chairs in the room and eyed Seth. 

“You look pale. Want me to have some food sent up?” 

“God, yes -” Seth practically moaned. “Tacos. I need hangover food.” 

Dion just nodded and texted someone on his phone before putting it away again. 

“So,” he started. “You were amazing last night. Everyone was raving about the DJ by the end of it.”

Seth just nodded. “Sounds about right.”

“And so humble, too.”

“I’m the full package.” 

“Hey, you’ll get no arguments from me.” Dion’s smile widened. It reached his eyes every time. “So...have you looked at the Red Rabbits website?” 

Seth furrowed his brow, trying to figure out why Dion could possibly be asking him about the website. “No? Why?”

Dion’s smile turned wicked. “You might want to take a look.”

Seth leaned over, unplugging his phone from it’s spot on the table next to the bed. He opened it and after blinking hard several times to clear up his vision, started scrolling and laughed at himself. “Fuck, man. I was so drunk. I-”

He stopped on one ask that was something along the lines of what’s the gayest thing he’d ever done. Drunk Seth answered it. 

_ sittin in a hot tub 5 ft together cause im sorta gay not gay gay? am i gay? _

_ im p gay what? _

_ bABY BI BI-seth _

“Oh my fuck,” he groaned, then laughed harder. “Well, I guess that’s out now.”

“Renee was worried you’d be upset when you realized. I told her I didn’t think you’d care.”

Seth shrugged. “It’s not anything everyone doesn’t know. They know Minyard’s gay and it’s not like he received a whole lotta hate for that so whatever. Maybe this will expand my dating pool.”

Dion crossed his legs and laced his fingers over his stomach. “I would think your pool is already pretty expansive.” He eyed Seth, “Have you and Andrew ever…”

Seth was confused for half a second, before he realized what Dion was asking. Choking on his sip of water, he let out a wheezing laugh, “Fuck no!” He shook his head. “No, no. There’s too much history there. Good lookin’ dude, sure, but he ain't my type.”

There was a knock on the door then, and Dion stood to open it before Seth could. It was a woman that Seth recognized to be one of Allison’s many smaller assistants, with a bag. Dion took it and thanked her, before sitting down on the bed with Seth. He started pulling out tacos when he asked, “What kind of history? Bad history?”

Seth nodded, unwrapping a taco and taking a big bite. He moaned in contentment, “Should move here just for the tacos, I swear to fuckin’ god...” and sat criss cross. Once he swallowed, he thumbed through the packets of hot sauce as he finally answered, “So yeah. I was just... not who I am today? Only had a year and a half with Minyard in college, but I was a fuckin’ asshole.” Would’ve been one if not for the fact that Seth spent most of his first three years fucking around and getting high. He graduated a semester later than the rest of his graduating class. Wouldn’t have at all if not for Wymack -

“You?” Dion asked, looking skeptical. “Why do I find that hard to believe?”

Seth shrugged, squeezing hot sauce onto his taco after ripping the packet open with his teeth. “It was a bad time. I was heavy into drugs and I hadn’t come to terms with the fact that I was bi. So, I was fuckin’ women like it was nothing - like _ they _ were nothing. Treated them like shit, too. I was trying to fuck the gay away, I guess.” He took a smaller bite and said around it, “I was worse than an asshole. Especially to him.”*

Dion was studying him closely. He could feel those warm brown eyes focusing as Seth ate. Honestly, he didn’t mind talking to Dion about all this. He wasn’t a judgemental person and Seth liked that about him. Not to mention, sometimes it was nice to voice things allowed and realize himself how far he’d come. 

“Why’d you have such a hard time with it?” Dion eventually asked. “Was your family disapproving?”

Seth’s smile was sardonic. “You could say that,” he mumbled. “My mom’s black and my dad’s white. They divorced not long after my youngest brother, Tristan, was born. It was fuckin’ messy... They _ hated _ each other. I have no idea why they decided to have seven fuckin’ kids before realizing it, but whatever I guess.” Seth sipped his water. “Anyway, my dad is military and he’s a real hard-ass, macho guy.”*

Seth had a sudden memory of crying as a kid. He didn’t remember - could’ve fallen and hurt himself or one of his brothers stole something from him. Didn’t really matter at the time. Any excuse was good enough for his dad to snatch him up by the arm and get in his face. 

_ ‘Why are you crying like a little girl? Man up, Seth. Don’t be a queer.’*_

Seth shook his head against the memory. Deciding to push on, he continued. “Most of my brothers followed his lead. I knew I looked like a ‘pussy’,” he air quoted with one hand. “His faggot son. So, I tried to push it away. Didn’t acknowledge it. I like women anyway and liked fucking them even more, so I figured it was fine. I was fine.”*

“But you weren’t,” Dion guessed, but it wasn’t a question. 

“No,” Seth said. “I wasn’t.”

Dion nodded, picking cheese and lettuce off his taco and eating it. “I can kind of relate to that. It’s hard coming out too - you know. For us in the black community. My entire family stopped talking to me for a while... My dad was never in the picture anyway, but I loved my mom. We were close.” He shrugged, “She came around after a while and we’re back in contact. But it was hard not to have her during that time.” Then, after a pause, Dion offered him a sheepish smile. “I was a bit self-destructive, too.”

Seth nodded slowly, “Shit’s hard... I’m glad you’re back in good with your mom though.”

They ate in silence for a few minutes, before Dion started talking again. “So, what made you get clean?”

Seth looked up at him and didn’t smile. Dion pressed his lips together at his expression. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly, nudging Seth’s knee with a toe. “I’m just being nosy. We can talk about something else.”

“No,” Seth said, surprising himself. “It’s fine. I just...” He considered it for a moment. “I just haven’t told many people this story.” He set his food down and after wiping his hands, rubbed at his face, and then pushed his fingers through his hair, making it look ridiculous, he was sure. 

After a brief huff of a humorless, albeit _ ashamed _ laugh to himself, he inhaled a deep breath and started the only place he knew where. “The first time I fucked around with a guy, it freaked me out. Yelled at him after... called him a faggot and told him to get the fuck out of my house. After that, I sunk deep. Stopped going to classes and shit. Wymack eventually came and pulled me out of my apartment and kept me as busy as he could. Even made me come to his office and help him file shit, just so he could keep an eye on me.” He poked one of the softshell tacos and watched his finger make an imprint. “One day, he stepped out and one of his students dropped by. His name was Harmen and fuck,” he breathed and shook his head. Wetting his lips, he tilted his head and for a moment, let himself live in the memory before he continued. “Immediate attraction. Like. _ immediate. _ He played exy, fit as fuck,” he laughed and it felt good, despite the lingering pain that started to reignite. Nonetheless, “He asked for my number and I gave it to him. I tried to convince myself it’d just be cool to have another bro around, you know?”*

Dion nodded. “But?”

“But, he was gay. He didn’t really tell me he was, until he came to my place after a game one night and kissed me. I pushed him away. Told him I wasn’t ‘queer’.”* His smile grew a bit, despite himself. _ Harmen _ was such a spitfire... “He told me people that weren’t ‘queer’ don’t kiss back like that.”* He remembered the slick way _ Harmen _ had smiled at him. He was all dark skin and muscle and deep brown eyes that were almost black but so, so _ warm _. Seth had fallen so hard, so fast. 

“So he convinced you?” Dion ventured.

Seth shrugged, “I guess, in a way. He was black, too. So he had the same kind of issues I did. His family didn’t know he was gay and he didn’t plan on telling them. He was also into pills, so we would party together, then go home and fuck. It was a... good arrangement? I don’t know. He was just really there for me. Made me feel normal instead of like there was something wrong with me.”*

Dion reached out and squeezed Seth’s hand. “That’s nice, in its own way. I’m glad you had someone like that. Did he convince you to stop using...?”

Seth sighed and rubbed his eyes. Squinting against the fading headache, Seth shook his head slightly. In his mind, he could see Harmen pulling out pills. Sometimes he crushed them up, sometimes he put them in his mouth and kissed seth, exchanging their bad behaviors. He closed his eyes tighter against the memories. *

“In a way,” he started slowly. He didn’t have to continue. He could keep this bottled up like he always had, not get deep into it... But he wanted to talk about it? Maybe he just wanted the comfort of someone listening. “He was going out one night with some people from the football team, I think,” he started. “We’d already been partying and I _ knew _ he was going to be drinking, so I checked his pockets before he left - made sure he didn’t hide more shit to take when he was gone. I didn’t find anything, so he left and I went to my gig at a private party on campus. My phone was in my bag, so I didn’t hear it. But, at the end of the night when I looked, I had a shit-ton of missed calls from Wymack.” Seth stopped and swallowed hard. Dion rubbed his hand and Seth turned his around to hold onto it as he took a deep breath. “He’d heard from the exy coach and he knew we were close. Probably knew we were fucking, that’s just how he is. But anyway... a couple of guys found Harmen face down in the bathroom, surrounded by his own vomit. He’d OD’d. Dead before the paramedics could arrive.”*

Seth heard Dion suck in a breath. “Oh my god, Seth. I’m so sorry. That must have been...” he didn’t finish. 

Seth used his free hand to wipe away the tears threatening to fall. 

He could still feel it. The way his heart literally hurt, like it’d broken straight in two. 

That night, he’d gone to the roof of fox tower and stood at the very edge, wondering if life was even worth living now that Harmen was dead. It was a rush... He’d realized so quickly that he’d never hear his booming laugh, or feel his skin, or kiss that mouth again. It was Andrew who found him there. 

‘_ What are you going to do Seth? Either jump or live your life like you should’ve been living this whole time. I don’t have all night.’ *_

Seth decided to live his life.

“Yeah... broke my fuckin’ heart. Even still. Sometimes I just sit at night and think about it. About the fact that I _ know, _ he didn’t have anything on him and the football players didn’t do that shit, not the ones he was with - I’d know because I was helping deal to them. First, it was guilt and then utter fuckin confusion…” Seth shook his head and squeezed Dion’s hand. “I didn’t touch another pill from then on. Once my head was clear enough to think straight, I just kept thinkin’ that it could’ve been me. That could’ve been my death. Would’ve been. And then, when his funeral came around, I stood at the back and I couldn’t even look at his parents. I couldn’t be at the front and watch them lower his casket, because as far as everyone knew, I was just someone he popped pills with. Not -” He pressed his lips together. *

He didn’t have to say anymore. After a soft, “fuck...” from Dion, he pulled Seth into a hug from where he was seated on the bed. “You’re amazing, you know that...?”

“Yeah, I know...” Humor. Humor was always a good way to break apart the cloud above his head and Dion laughed, sitting back down. It helped. Made all of this a little less than pretending. 

“Well,” Dion started. “I’m glad you got clean. Is that when you and Andrew were able to be in the same room?”

“More or less. Even before all that happened, I hated him because he fuckin’ _ knew _ . I said some terrible, homophobic shit to him, and he would just look at me with that perfectly blank face. He knew I was trying too hard. One day, we were sitting in the lounge and I said something disgusting to him, I’m sure. He just leaned forward, cocked his head, and said, ‘ _ One day, Seth, you’re going to look around and everyone is going to turn their backs on you. You’re going to be alone, in an alley, with a needle in your arm and you won’t have anyone to blame but yourself. All that internalized self hate? It’s going to eat you alive, and I’m going to laugh when it does.’ _”*

Dion’s eyes widened. “God damn, he’s savage...”

Seth laughed a little. “Yeah... But, he was right. I hated myself, so I took it out on everyone else. I think once I got clean and brought a guy around for the first time, kind of my way of coming out, he saw it as me helping myself. Now, we have a mutual understanding - we’ll always be assholes to each other. It’s just how we operate. But, we’re cool.”

Dion smiled. “Well, I’m glad. What about your family? Were they okay with it?”

Seth just shrugged. He didn’t really know what his family thought about everything. “We don’t really talk like that? The second oldest of us, DeAndre, he’s cool. Not the oldest, always trying to impress my dad or trying to take care of us too much. But, he was the perfect middle ground. He was always my shoulder growin’ up. I was more sensitive than my other brothers and it made me feel weak. But DJ? He was cool about it. I told him and he just hugged me. Said, ‘_ It’s cool lil brother’ _ and moved on. I didn’t even directly tell any of the others, though I’m sure they know. When I told my mom, she just kinda pursed her lips and acted like she didn’t hear me. My dad on the other hand… never told him and never will. I dunno. Sometimes it just feels like I’m not good enough or successful enough for them...”*

Dion pulled his chin back, brows furrowing, “That’s insane? You’re super fucking successful though? Don’t you have a masters degree?”

Seth nodded, smiling. He sure the fuck did, and he’d worked his fuckin’ ass off for it. “That was all Wymack’s encouragement. He sat me down when graduation was coming up. I’d already stopped using by then, but I was still a mess after Harmen died. But Wymack? He told me he had a job for me at the studio, but only if I got my shit together. Told me he knew I had issues with my fam.” Seth would never forget sitting across from Wymack. Tears silently falling down his face as Wymack spoke. *

_ ‘You’re worth more than they give you credit for, Seth. You’re smart and damn talented. Show them what you can do. Give them all a giant fuck you and then live the life you want to live.’*_

“He just encouraged me to show them I _ could _. So, I took out a shitload of student loans because I refused to let them help me, and I did it. I got my masters and a really good fucking job at TFN, great fuckin’ position at WXBT, and I lived my life the way I wanted.”*

“Wymack seems like a good guy,” Dion said.

Seth nodded, agreeing. “He’s the best, honestly. I don’t know where I’d be without him.”

“I’m glad he helped. You seem happy now.”

Seth shrugged. 

“Are you not?” Dion asked, resting a hand on Seth’s leg. The touch was grounding. He and Dion were both physical people, and he was glad for it in that moment. 

“Sometimes... sometimes I don’t know, man. I mean, I am generally. I have a good life. I get to party at gigs. Good friends that I work with. But even when I’m not happy, I keep smiling. Even when I’m so fucking lonely for someone to share all this shit with. It’s…”*

“Exhausting?” Dion supplied. 

“Yeah...” Seth agreed. “It’s exhausting.”

Dion stood then, gathering the wrappers from their tacos and shoving them into the bag. He turned to face Seth and wrapped his arms around his neck, hugging him tightly. Seth closed his eyes and let himself be held. 

“You don’t have to pretend with me, okay?”

Seth just nodded into his shoulder. 

-

Seth felt lighter after talking to Dion. He was glad to have him around this trip. He was cool to hang out with. Seth felt calmer. 

He spent some time with Renee and Allison that afternoon. He had to fly out Friday morning, so he didn’t want them to feel like he was ignoring them. They sat out by Allison’s pool talking and Seth relaxed, soaking in the sun and just listening to the girls chat. 

He loved them together. Renee was a calming presence for Allison, but he could also see how Alli coaxed Renee out of her shell. She laughed a little louder when Allison was around and they were always touching, playing with each other’s hair, sharing secret smiles...

He was so fucking happy for them. 

“So,” Allison said, shaking him out of his thoughts. “Rey and I are going to dinner tonight. Care to join? I can ask Dion, too, if you don’t want to be a third wheel,” she smirked. “I think he’d planned on just hanging around here tonight and making sure the clothes from the event are organized.”

Seth didn’t answer right away. Dinner sounded nice, but if Dion was just going to be hanging out here anyway…

“Nah, y’all go have a date night. I’m still hungover from last night,” partial truth, “I have to get up stupid early to catch my flight…” Seth stopped himself before he could spew any more random excuses. 

“Mmmm, yes I’m sure all that’s true,” Allison said, raising a brow at him. “Alriigghhtt,” she sang. “Well, let us know if you change your mind.”

Seth nodded, but he knew that wouldn’t happen. 

-

That night, he bid Allison and Renee a good time while he sank further into the large wrap-around couch Allison had and watched some action movie or whatever, with the surround sound. Not long after they left, Dion came in with the phone to his ear. 

“Tell her if that dress is not back in my hands by tomorrow morning, she’ll never model in Miami, or otherwise, again. I don’t give a fuck if that’s mean, that dress does not belong to her and she’s fucking lucky I haven’t told Allison yet. Get. It. Here.”

He hung up the phone and stopped when he finally spotted Seth raising his brows at him. Dion smiled and raised his own. “You didn’t go to dinner?”

Seth shook his head, “I heard some good company was coming over tonight.”

Seth watched as Dion’s smile slowly grew. “Well, here I am, baby. Let me go take care of some things and I’ll be back. Find some food and order it.”

Seth just nodded. In all actuality, he wasn’t sure what he was doing here. All he knew was that he really liked Dion, and between that dance last night and the talk this morning, he couldn’t stop thinking about him...

He didn’t think Andrew would give a fuck, but prospects were looking... good, and he’d feel weird about possibly, maybe, trying something without getting his okay. He pulled out his phone. 

_ ‘yo’ _It didn’t take long for Andrew to text him back.

_ ‘What? I’m on vacation. Why are you texting me? Are you dead?’ _

_ ‘im in miami’ _

_ ‘I don’t care.’ _

_ ‘dion is here’ _

_ ‘I still don’t care.’ _

_ ‘sooooo….you cool if we hook up?’ _

_ ‘Seth, I cannot express the amount of fucks I don’t give about any of this. Neil’s waiting for me in the shower.’ _

Seth grinned to himself and put his phone away. That was that then…

He hadn’t ordered food before Dion got back and they completely forgot they were supposed to, once they started talking. It was all about nothing, too. A little more about Dion’s life, a little more about Seth’s - a little about the shitty movie they were ignoring. There were laughs and glances and a few passing touches, and Seth could swear he could feel the tension between them grow the longer they sat there. 

“Fuck, we never ordered food,” Dion cursed, suddenly realizing. “What are you hungry for?”

He started to lean over where Seth was sitting on the couch to grab his phone from the table but stopped once Seth caught his eye. Their faces were close, close enough to share a breath and Seth’s stomach flipped. 

He decided to shoot his shot. “You.”

Dion looked at him and it wasn’t in shock or offense. A slow smile curved on his lips and he looked down to Seth’s as he said, “Well, isn’t that convenient?” 

He kissed Seth hard. It was surprising in his suddenness, but Seth was nothing but adaptive as he rallied quickly and returned the kiss just as fervently. 

It was intense. Their kisses were equally hard with a push and a pull, and the sexual tension that had been growing between them burst forth like a dam. Seth didn’t even really know how it happened, but they were both shirtless within moments and somehow, Dion was crawling into his lap to straddle him. Their lips never parted and Seth basked in it. It was _ different _ , it was _ new _ , it was _ familiar _ in its own way and he relished in the way Dion’s warm hands traveled up and down his chest, around his neck and down his shoulders. 

He wanted to drown in this feeling. 

Dion shifted his hips slightly so Seth could feel how hard he was. They rubbed against each other and Seth couldn’t help the groan that escaped his mouth. Dion bit his bottom lip and ground down harder, their movements becoming frantic and Seth couldn’t take it anymore. Standing in one fluid movement, he brought Dion with him and bless this fucking man, Dion didn’t miss a goddamn beat. He wrapped his legs around Seth’s waist, held onto his shoulders, and started kissing a path down his neck. 

“_ Fuck _,” Seth hissed, stumbling towards the room he was staying in. Quickly, he had Dion against the door before he could get it open and pressed their hips together urgently. Dion moaned, throwing his head back so it hit the door - fingers gripping into the sides of his neck and legs tight around his middle. 

“Do -” he moaned again before he could get his sentence out. “Do you have condoms?” he eventually breathed as Seth took advantage of the exposed length of caramel skin. 

“Yes,” Seth said in between brushes of his lips, suckling kisses, and grazing teeth. He mentally patted himself on the back for thinking about packing them before he left. 

“Then stop fucking around,” Dion moaned, grabbing a handful of Seth’s curls and pulling his lips back to his own. 

Seth didn’t argue. Finally getting the door open, he laid Dion on the bed and fell on top of him, losing himself to every kiss, touch, breath, sensation. 

He felt alive.

-

His alarm went off too fucking early the next morning. Dion shifted beside him and he looked over. They were both naked and he watched as Dion’s lithe muscles shifted in his back as he rolled over. 

Seth followed suit, rolling over on his own side and pulling the other man close so that his chest was against Dion’s back. Dion hummed happily and snuggled in deeper. 

Seth sighed, pressing his forehead to the back of his neck. “I have to get ready to go,” he murmured. 

“No, you don’t,” Dion whispered. “You can stay here with me and live a life of tacos, and beaches, and Alli’s parties.”

Seth laughed and lifted his head to kiss Dion’s neck. “Wish I could, baby. But, I’ve got a gig tonight.”

Dion let out a heavy breath and rolled over to face him. Half his braids hung out of the tie he had holding them up, but his eyes were bright and clear. They were such a pretty shade of brown, too. He could even see a little green in them, if he looked hard enough. 

“What does that mean...?” Dion asked quietly. Seth ran the back of his hand over his cheek.

“What does what mean?”

“You going back. Don’t get me wrong, this was fun and if it was a one-time thing, I wouldn’t mind. But,” he paused, eyes running over Seth’s face and Seth didn’t find himself wanting to look away. _ It was nice. _ “I kind of don’t want it to be,” Dion eventually finished, shaking his head. “I like you, Seth.”

Seth could be just as soft, he could wax poetic about how much this meant to him. Instead, he grinned down at him and squinted his eyes, “Yeah...? You tryin’ to start somethin’ with me, D?”

Dion let a smirk come to his lips, but his eyes were gentle as he shrugged, “Maybe...”

Seth hugged him close and kissed his forehead. “I hope so because I’m tryin’ to start somethin’ with you, too. I don’t want this to be a one-time thing.” Honesty is the best policy, right? “I like talking to you. I like _ being _ with you.”

Seth thought he could feel Dion relax in his arms a little. “Good. So... you’ll call?”

“Try and stop me. I’ll be back in Miami as soon as I can, and I don’t know when Allison will be back in Palmetto...but maybe you’ll come, too?”

Dion smiled and kissed Seth soundly. “Try and stop me.”

A stretch of content silence grew between them and suddenly, Seth laughed and kissed Dion on his forehead again. With one wandering hand, he trailed it to Dion’s waist and turned him onto his back. Rather than ‘start something’ like he wanted to, and rather than get out on his side of the bed, Seth crawled himself over Dion’s long body to get out of the bed. 

Dion grabbed his arm. “Mmmm,” he whined, “Don’t go.”

Seth leaned over the bed. “I’m just going to shower... you could join me if you’re lonely.” 

Dion didn’t hesitate. 

-

After a long goodbye to Dion where they both promised to call and text each other as soon as they could, Seth found himself back in Allison’s car, but with Allison driving this time. Apparently, Renee was meeting with some people in Miami, so he said his goodbyes to her that morning. Seth thought she might be meeting with people about potential jobs there, but he was afraid to ask. 

He didn’t want her to leave.

“So,” Allison said, flipping her visor mirror down at a red light and checking her lip gloss. “You and Dion fuckin’ now?”

Seth whipped his head around to her. He sucked his teeth with a quick _ tsch _ sound and pulled his chin back. “Damn, Alli. Please, don’t beat around the bush.”

Allison just shrugged. “Well, when Renee and I came home last night to find the TV still blaring, your shirts thrown around the room and no sign of either of you, it was a pretty safe bet.”

_ Well - _

Seth just grinned at her. “I guess when you put it that way. Yeah, we hooked up.”

“Hooked up?” Allison asked, looking over her sunglasses at him. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean? This a one-time thing?”

Seth shook his head. _ No _. “I don’t want it to be. He doesn’t either.”

Allison looked back to the road when the light turned green. “Good.”

Seth raised a brow at her, wondering why she would care all that much. “Good? You didn’t seem happy when he and Minyard were hooking up.”

Allison waved a freshly manicured hand in his direction. “Yeah, well. That was different. That was _ purely _ hooking up and I was worried Dion would get attached and get his heartbroken. That, obviously, didn’t happen.”

“Nah, he’s good.”

“Yeah,” She laughed, “I can tell.” Then, “But... honestly, I think you two are a good match. D’s like a brother to me. I’ll wreck you if you fuck him over.” She looked at him from the corner of her eyes.

He knew she would. He didn’t intend on fucking this up though. Ever. <strike> _too soon?_ </strike>

“But,” she continued, “you’re a good dude, Seth. I know you’ll take care of him. He deserves to be spoiled a little.”

That’s what he wanted. He wanted to _ be _ with Dion. He’d missed having someone that easy to talk to - someone who shared his physicality and understood his history. He wanted someone to think about and dote over. It was an odd thing when looking at Seth, but it was true. He just hated that they were so far away from each other. 

“I like him a lot, Alli,” Seth said, looking out the window at the city rushing by.

Allison smiled and reached over to squeeze his arm. “Good, because he likes you too.”

-

A few hours later, Seth was in his seat on the plane. They hadn’t taken off yet and Asshole-Elbows wasn’t here, thank god.

Looking out the window, he watched the other planes and idly wondered when he could come back. 

His phone pinged with a text and he looked down at it. It was from Dion.

_ ‘Alli just told me she’s giving me a week off in September. She didn’t give a reason, but I can guess ;) Mind if I come visit?’ _

Seth laughed. He was going to send Allison a fuckin’ fruit basket later. He quickly texted back before he had to turn on airplane mode.

_ ‘boy, getcha fine ass to sc asap’ _

Seth set his phone to airplane mode right after and smiled to himself. Genuinely. He was leaving Miami with a little bit of that hole, that space that lay open and empty for so long, filled. Who knows, maybe they could fill it more, together. 

_ Together. _

He put on his headphones and started making a playlist for this moment in the notes on his phone. He smiled the entire time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * = the parts in the blog post that he was talking about. if it ends in *, thats all you know. KEEP IN MIND, YALL DON'T KNOW IT'S DION. DON'T FORGET!  
And if you caught the switch in canon, yes, we gave Harmen, Seth's storyline.
> 
> Our boy... He's so grown and he's so happy and ugh... We love him so fucking much and we hope you do too <3 <3 <3 Don't forget to read some more [HERE](https://redrabbitspod.tumblr.com/post/187431568370/happiness-first-i-wanted-to-start-by-thanking)! And to keep up on our socials [Twitter](https://twitter.com/RedRabbitsPod) and [Tumblr](https://redrabbitspod.tumblr.com) :)  
Kudos and comments are always appreciated!!!!!!! Thank you all so so much for all the love and support. We know we say it every week, but seriously. It means the world to us. So thank you <3


	3. Phoenix, AZ - M - Andrew/Neil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Andrew and Neil return to Phoenix, Arizona.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! A bit later than usual. A lot happened this weekend, so we weren't able to post, but it's here now! We really hope y'all like this short chapter. We had fun with it and it was nice to return to Arizona with the boys <3  
From here, things are going to start picking up. The next two chapters of BTP are already written, just need to be rewritten. Sunday, we'll let yall know whats coming up, but keep an eye out on the tumblr for some hints! Changes are coming to the website that we are SUPER FUCKING STOKED ABOUT.  
I honestly think thats it? I don't think there are any triggers for this chapter... if there are, please please please let us know! But all there's talk of is remembering the Grand Canyon, running, and thats it?? Yeah, I think thats it :)  
Hope yall enjoy and don't forget to keep up on our socials [Twitter](https://twitter.com/RedRabbitsPod) and [Tumblr](https://redrabbitspod.tumblr.com/) !!!!
> 
> *** This one shot takes place after case 1, directly after The Cabin

Stepping out into the Arizona sun felt surreal. After leaving in such a haze of panic and fear, he was now returning after spending a week and a half in a remote cabin with Andrew and feeling a kind of contentment he didn’t think would ever be possible for him. 

He stood blinking up at the sun until Andrew poked him in the back. 

“Come on. Our Uber is over here.”

Neil shook his head and followed Andrew down the row of arrivals until they found their Uber via license plate. They deposited their bags in the trunk, slid in, and after the driver confirmed their names and destination, they were off. Neil slumped back in his seat, turned his head against the rest, and watched the familiar landscape of Phoenix flash by. He looked over to Andrew when he felt him take his hand and something about it made the corners of his lips rise.  
  
It was nice. Being able to have someone there to read you enough to know when comfort was needed. It was nice to have someone you cared about close and having them understand when something might be off - good or bad. 

It was nice having _ him _. 

“It’s weird being back,” Neil murmured quietly. “It’s weird being back with _ you _ in the place where it started. Even if we’re not at the Grand Canyon.”

“Bad weird?” Andrew asked, and Neil squeezed his hand. 

“No. Just...weird.” 

Andrew accepted that answer and sat back in his seat. 

The ride was fairly short and it wasn’t until Neil was standing in front of his apartment door that he realized he didn’t have keys to get in. He’d had them on him when he ran, but after settling into Matt’s place, he wasn’t actually sure where they’d gone...? Neil was usually fantastic at keeping tabs on all his possessions; it was a requirement of being a fucking runaway. But it felt like with the arrival of Matt and Andrew in his life, all of that blew out the damn window. Suddenly, his world had grown far out of the scope of a single backpack. It went from just him against the world, to Matt and Sir, the entire TFN team, and _ Andrew. _ Something about that felt like it should be scary, but it wasn’t. Neil felt more whole than he had in his entire fucking life. 

Which was why he didn’t automatically panic at the prospect of _ forgetting _ and _ misplacing _. 

Neil stared at the door for a minute, then rubbed the back of his neck as he turned towards Andrew. 

“Do you have…” 

_ Not even a lock pick _ . Neil had nothing. One would think he’d never done this before. <strike> _I haven’t. _ </strike>

Andrew had been watching him and without Neil having to say a word, he was already digging through his bag and pulling out picking tools. He held them out before Neil could even finish his sentence and for some reason, that alone made the wonderful _ whatever _ in his chest swell. 

“Would you like to do the honors?” Andrew asked, voice outwardly neutral, but tone teasing. 

Neil snorted and took the kit. He made quick, familiar work completely based on muscle memory, then watched from his knees as the door swung open. Taking a deep breath, he took Andrew’s offered hand to help him up. 

It looked pretty much exactly like how he’d left it. He wasn’t sure what he was fucking expecting, but it most certainly wasn’t his exy magazines laid across the coffee table and his old mug sitting beside them. 

“And here I thought you ransacked the place,” Neil said over his shoulder as Andrew shut the door softly and locked it again. 

“I didn’t. I - I stopped when I was in your room and realized how fucked the entire situation was. I was just coming off California and trying to convince myself that you weren’t dead... That I wasn’t too late.” Andrew shook his head, looking around the apartment but not at Neil. “I shouldn’t have been here.”

Normally a voice would be inside his head, repeating the exact same thing, but flipped. _ ‘No. You shouldn’t have been here. _’ But there was no voice. There was nothing telling him that he was angry or upset with Andrew any longer. It just was what it fucking was and while yes, it was wrong, Neil was grateful. 

He stepped into Andrew’s line of sight and wrapped his arms slowly around his neck. With a small smile, he said, “It’s okay, stalker. I’ve forgiven you.” Some may call him stupid, foolish for it. 

_ Maybe I am. _

But, he didn’t think so. 

Andrew rolled his eyes and stepped out of Neil’s arms. Changing the subject, he gestured around, “Okay, where are we starting? Plane leaves tomorrow afternoon, so we don’t have a lot of time.”

Neil’s hands fell down to his hips as he took in the apartment he’d called home for years and realized... there was nothing really there. 

“Honestly...” he started, trailing off and biting the inside of his lip. “The only things I should probably pack up and bring back are in the bedroom. I don’t need any of this shit in Palmetto.” He and Andrew had a real _ home _ together. They already had dishes and furniture. Neil had no knick-knacks, he had nothing lying around of sentimental value. The only thing in the kitchen he would’ve wanted to take was the postcard he kept on the fridge, but that was now safely tucked away at _ home _. 

“Right,” Andrew nodded, then glanced at his watch. “It’s getting close to lunch. Let’s go get food and we can pick up some boxes from somewhere while we’re out. We’ll ship back what we can.”

Neil just nodded, pressing his pointer finger into his lower lip as he thought of places he used to order from and what was nearby. He thought of the cafe across from the bookshop and how Andrew had met Ashleigh there for her interview. Impulsively, he asked, “How about The Grind?”

Andrew raised a brow at him and crossed his arms. “The Grind? The fucking cafe where Ashleigh Miller works? You can’t be serious.”

Neil shrugged. “If she’s not there, I tried. But... I don’t know,” he sighed. “I just kind of feel like I should talk to her. Acknowledge her part in all of this.”

<strike> _All of this._ </strike>

“You don’t owe her anything,” Andrew’s voice deepened. “We found each other because you told me to come to New York, not because Ashleigh ‘Murdernerd’ Miller told me anything.”

“She gave you the info you needed to know I was alive,” Neil pointed out. “She brought you to this apartment where you found the postcard. She told you my name.” 

Andrew stared hard at him for a moment, and Neil knew he had him. “You sure I don’t owe her anything?” he asked quietly, taking a step closer and wrapping gentle fingers around his wrist. “We don’t have to go if you don’t want. It was just a thought.”

Andrew huffed and pulled Neil in for a kiss, but broke it off before it became _ too _ distracting. Neil’s lips still hummed with his warmth. “Fine,” Andrew mumbled. “We’ll go. But only because this place makes me feel like shit. And, the place had _ okay _ coffee.”

Neil grinned. “Makes you feel like shit, huh? I don’t even have anything interesting here either.”

“Tell me about it. No sex toys, no porn, no assless leather chaps. The disappointment was crippling.”

Neil cocked his head and crossed his arms over his chest. “Do you have those things at home?”

“No, but I’ll procure some if you’re interested. I’d pay good money to see you in a pair of assless chaps.”

Neil snorted. “We’ll discuss what’s in this for me later. Let’s go get food.”

* * *

It was nice weather for walking, if you weren’t Andrew. He knew that he’d questioned his color choices a million times before, but this was starting to become redundantly stupid. Black on black on black, who did he think he was in this Arizona heat? And how was Colorado so much cooler? They went from mild, beautiful weather that even he could put up with, to sweltering heat and really, Neil was the idiot for suggesting they walk in the first place. 

_ Stop complaining. Watch Neil to distract yourself. _

_ Neil. _ He looked beautiful in the sun. It brought out the reds and golds in his hair, made his freckles stand stark against his toasted skin, which only became warmer in the _ direct fucking sunlight _ . The light in his eyes made him all the more <strike>breathtaking</strike> too. It was enough that he followed Neil blindly as they stopped in front of the bookstore, before crossing the street. Neil lifted his hands and put his face to the window to peer in. Andrew stepped back and squinted past the glare to see the **For Rent** sign tacked to the door. 

Neil shook his head. “I knew that asshole was going to run this place into the ground. I’m glad I left before I had to see it.”

“What would you have done?” Andrew heard himself ask. “If the bookstore closed before you left? Would you have stayed in Phoenix or would you have gone somewhere else?”

Neil dropped his hands from where he had them against the window and turned to face Andrew. “I don’t know. If I was smart I would’ve run. I stayed here too long.”

<strike> _How long will it take for you to think the same about Palmetto?_ </strike>

He didn’t say it out loud - didn’t want to put it out into the universe. So, instead, he turned toward the cafe across the street. 

“Come on. I’m starving.”

They made their way across the street and into the cafe. The burst of air conditioning against Andrew’s face was welcomed and he sighed at the relief, pushing his hair back where strands had flopped to his forehead. The two of them walked up to the counter to order. _ No sign of Ashleigh _, Andrew noted and hoped she wasn’t working. He was sure he wouldn’t be that lucky. 

Which proved to be correct as he was in the middle of ordering a sandwich and a piece of cake. 

“OH MY GOD! NEIL! OH MY GOD!” 

_ Here we go. _

Andrew looked up to see Ashleigh coming from the back. She looked the same as last time, but her bangs were shorter and her bobbed hair was pulled into pigtails and dyed deep blue. Her septum was still nice and Andrew was still stupidly jealous of it - which turned to automatic annoyance as she practically sprinted around the counter and jumped at Neil, wrapping her arms around his neck and squealing. That annoyance grew and he was going to say something, but the hilariously panicked look on Neil’s face as he awkwardly patted her back made it just a bit better. 

“Hey, Ashleigh,” Neil said, removing himself not-so-subtly by dodging underneath one of her loosened arms. “We were getting lunch and thought we’d drop by to see if you were work-”

Ashleigh, oblivious as ever to distance and personal space, just dropped her arms but stayed close as she shook her head, “Fuck, this is so perfect!” She pointed towards the obnoxiously large clock, “I was just about to go on break!”

Neil looked up at Andrew for some help, but Andrew just waved them away with a small smirk. Neil had already ordered and Andrew was about to pay anyway. The further from his general vicinity she was, the better as she and Neil found a table. Andrew even made the person at the register walk him through the cake options again, just for something to do. 

But alas, by the time he made it to the table with their food, Neil’s eyes were glazed over while Ashleigh babbled on. 

“I can’t believe you’re both here. This is insane. The whole story is insane.”

Andrew wanted to tell her _ she _ was insane, but he took a bite of his sandwich instead. 

“It’s been pretty crazy,” Neil agreed, opening a bag of chips.

“You’re not like, mad at me, are you? I know I kind of like... blew your cover? But honestly, I just wanted to help.” Her high pitched voice softened a fraction. “I was worried about you. I didn’t know if you were dead or what.” Andrew watched her nervously spin a ring on her finger. 

“No,” Neil shook his head. “No, it’s fine. I’m glad actually - that you talked to Andrew and told him what you did. He’d just about decided I was dead at that point so...” 

“Oh, wow. Oh my god,” Ashleigh looked like she ran out of breath. She took a deep one, as if to steady herself, then let it out so that it blew her bangs off her forehead. She looked to Andrew and thankfully, lingered on his scars for only a moment. “Did I like... bring you two together or something?” That was a bit too much fucking credit - “And now, you’re really together. Like, together toge-” She turned her attention completely on Neil. “I had no idea you were gay, by the way... There were so many people I could’ve hooked you up with. It makes much more sense now, though.”

Neil raised an eyebrow. “What makes more sense?”

“Why you never tried anything with me?” she said, like it was obvious. “I mean, I put out some pretty strong hints. I thought you were just shy or something.” She grinned at him and he and Andrew shared a look. 

Andrew’s said, _ ‘So are you going to tell her you’re not gay?’ _

Neil’s said, _ ‘It’s too much trouble. This was a mistake. You were right, Andrew. You were right and you’re gorgeous. Let’s do sex stuff later.’ _

Andrew liked to imagine that’s what it said, anyway.

“Oh! There’s Will!” Ashleigh waved a hand in the air, and Andrew remembered the cute barista boy with the biceps (_ CBBWTB for short _) that Ashleigh was deluded into thinking had on crush on her.

“Will! Look who’s here!” Will looked up and he eyes fell on Andrew. He stopped what he was doing, threw a towel over his shoulder, and made his way over.

Ashleigh leaned forward conspiratorially, “He’s still crushing so hard, but he’s a good friend so I don’t want to ruin that.”

He stopped at the edge of their table and gave Andrew a grin that clearly said _ ‘meet me in the bathroom in ten minutes for a good time.’ _

Andrew had been around the block. He knew what was up. Neil did too apparently because he looked from Will’s grin down to Andrew and back again.

“Hi, Will. I’m Neil. This is my boyfriend, Andrew. How are you?”

Andrew choked on the roast beef from his sandwich and he looked up just in time to see Will’s smile wilt. 

“Great, thanks. I’m just... going to go in the back.”

Ashleigh giggled as he walked away. “See? He’s so awkward around me sometimes.”

Neil raised a brow at her and leaned back in his seat. “You do know he’s gay, right?”

Neil, the most oblivious fucking dumb ass in the world could see it too. Honestly, Andrew was a bit shocked and he was glad he didn’t have food in his mouth. He didn’t want to choke again.

“What?” Ashleigh sat up perfectly straight. “No, he’s not! He’s been chasing me for months! He has this friend named Mike, and sometimes we hang out together-” She stopped herself and her eyes went wide as she stared at a spot on the wall. “Oh.”

Neil snorted and reached over to steal the piece of fruit they’d put on Andrew’s plate. “Ashleigh, I am literally the most oblivious person on this planet when it comes to that sort of shit, and even I didn’t miss the way he was eye-fucking Andrew.”

Ashleigh looked over at Andrew with something like distress on her face, and he just shrugged. “If it makes you feel any better, I could have been his gay awakening. I’m extremely good looking. The scars just add to my charm, I’m told.”

Ashleigh laughed, but it was weak and forced. Andrew decided to take pity on the poor girl. That sounded weird even in his head, but _ Neil has no goddamned manners. _

“I don’t hate your septum,” Andrew sighed. “Tell me where it’s from.”

Ashleigh blinked at him for a moment, as if she didn’t understand what he was asking. Then, something akin to gratitude flashed over her eyes and it almost made Andrew take it back, but she was already talking. “Oh! Oh my god, okay. So there’s this website that has a TON of fucking jewelry on there right? It’s all from China so it’s super fucking cheap…”

It was a lost cause. This was what he got for being _ nice _. Rather than listen, he tuned her out - nodding in random spots and even offering a ‘mmhmm’ here and there. He was a saint, honestly. 

The rest of the conversation followed along those lines, and by the time they were standing to leave, Ashleigh was back to her normal yappy self. She gave Neil another hug before they left. 

“I really am glad you’re okay,” she said, giving him an extra squeeze. It was genuine. Andrew could tell because her eyes were wet and it made him supremely uncomfortable. 

_ Is that a normal reaction? _

“Thanks,” Neil said slowly. “Me too. Thanks for... everything, I guess.” 

She smiled at him and turned toward Andrew, who leveled her with a look that she didn’t argue with, settling for a small wave instead. 

Once back in the godforsaken heat, Neil pulled out his phone to figure out where the best place was to get a few boxes. Apparently living here for so many years meant nothing when you went from home to work, then back again.

“So,” Andrew said, leaning against the wall while he waited for him. “Boyfriend?”

Neil looked up and couldn’t quite hide the smile in the corner of his mouth. He shrugged. “He needed to be put in his place.” _ Put in his place? Huh... _ “Besides, what the hell else would you call it? We live together for christ’s sake. You can put your tongue on my dick, but you can’t call me your boyfriend?”

_ That fucking mouth. _ It would be the death of Andrew one day. “How is that an accurate measurement of a relationship? I’ve had other dicks in my mouth, you know. I didn’t call any of them boyfriend either.”

Neil studied Andrew for a moment before slipping his phone back in his pocket. He made his way over to where Andrew was leaning against the wall. Andrew straightened, but didn’t move. He crossed his arms over his chest, waiting to hear what Neil would have to say. 

Neil leaned forward instead and placed his hands against the brick on either side of Andrew’s head. He moved his face until their noses were brushing and said lowly, “Is that how it is, Andrew?” He could feel Neil’s warm breath against his lips and it was all he could do to hold in a shudder. “I don’t really care what you want to call _ this _. I don’t need a label. But,” he continued, “I was an only child and I’ve spent my life hoarding things essential for my survival. I’m not willing to share and Will? He can go fuck himself.”

Andrew wasn’t certain about many things in his life, but at that very moment, he was 100% sure Neil could hear his heart beating its way out of his fucking chest. 

“Ahem.”

Neil didn’t move, but they both turned to look to the side. Will was standing there, holding out Andrew’s wallet. His look was decidedly colder than it’d been in the cafe when he’d first spotted Andrew. 

“You left your wallet. Have a great fucking day.” He tossed the wallet at them and Neil caught it easily before it could hit either them or the ground. 

“Thanks so much!” Neil said brightly, smile widening on his lips. Will rolled his eyes and went back into the cafe. 

<strike> _That is so -_ </strike>

“You’re ridiculous,” Andrew said, rolling his own eyes and pushing Neil in the chest until he stepped back. “And,” he turned, starting to walk away, “I prefer partner to boyfriend.” He didn’t look back, because he was playing it totally cool. <strike>_I am totally cool._</strike> He _was not_ a keysmash of garbled nonsense in his head. Andrew wasn’t even into that kind of stuff and this was most certainly _not _attractive and - No way. No. He was totally cool, calm, collected. No chaotic gay here.

He had no fucking clue if he was going in the right direction, but he was happy to note a pause in Neil’s steps before he jogged to catch up and thought, for a moment, that he’d been a garbled keysmash, too. 

* * *

A couple of hours later, Neil and Andrew were lying together on top of the blankets of Neil’s old bed. They stared silently at the ceiling fan going round and round, and listening to the _ tap tap tap _ of the chain making contact with the light fixture hanging from it. 

“We should probably get started,” Andrew eventually said, but still made no move. 

“Probably,” Neil murmured quietly. He didn’t move either and he didn’t really know why. It’s not like he was eager to hold onto this past chapter of his life. In fact, it was more like he’d already let it go - like all of this was just him stepping into the past. The only difference was that Andrew was here by his side, ready to help and soothe the nonsense in his head. He reached his right hand over and laced his fingers with Andrew’s. He liked holding hands. He liked the feel of such a small connection. He liked the fact that Andrew tolerated it, that he allowed him to hold on and -

“Thank you for coming here with me.” 

Andrew squeezed once, indulging him or letting him know, _ ‘of course’ _, before sitting up. “Come on, let’s get this done.” He nudged Neil until he grudgingly rolled out of the bed. 

Walking to the closet, Neil opened the doors and looked inside. There wasn’t much there - there never _ had been _ much in there. A couple of jackets, a few pairs of pants... He reached towards the back and wrapped his hand around his old exy racquet. He pulled it out and turned to face Andrew. 

“Oh, good. You got your incredibly old and ugly exy racquet. We can go now.”

Neil huffed a laugh and swung the racquet experimentally. “I love this racquet. It was like a symbol for the little bit of freedom I allowed myself after mum died. I felt like shit. So fucking selfish for doing something I know she would’ve beaten me for. But...” he shrugged, “I don’t know. As soon as I had this racquet in my hand it was like it didn’t really matter.”

Neil was still looking at it when Andrew’s hand appeared in his line of vision, grabbing the middle of the racquet and tugging. Neil let it go and Andrew set it on the bed, then moved to look in the closet. “That won’t fit in a box. Let’s concentrate on what will.”

_ Since when is he so productive? _

Nonetheless, side by side, they packed. They went through Neil’s clothes and although he’d planned to just throw them all in a box and ship them, Andrew made him look at each article and deemed most of them unsuitable. To Neil though, clothes were clothes. These were worn in some places, sure. But his motto had always been, _ if it covers my body, who the fuck cares? _

Anyway. 

What was more important was the bag at the bottom of the closet. Neil pulled it out to reveal his beat-up duffle that he’d carried with him for so long. Something about seeing it again, touching it, feeling it’s rough fabric beneath his fingers struck something inside of him that he couldn’t exactly explain. Setting it on the bed, he unzipped it. 

“That thing looks like it’s seen some shit,” Andrew said, looking at it with distaste. 

He shrugged, “I used to carry it around, instead of a backpack.”

Andrew looked at him, brow raised, but Neil knew he knew where it was from. He also knew that Andrew was trying to alleviate the heavy air around them. “Who the fuck would carry a duffle bag around instead of a backpack? That makes no sense. Like, in high school you would do this? Did you get your ass kicked everyday?” Andrew sat on the edge of the bed near the bag and rested his chin on a fist. “Tell me, I’m dying to know how you made it out alive.”

Neil rolled his eyes and fought against the tiny smile trying to tug at the corners of his lips. “Well,” he started matter of factly, “while you were being a scene kid, listening to emo music, and piercing your own ear, I was busy making sure no one looked at or talked to me. It was hard work, okay? Stealing box hair dye from different places every other week…” Neil trailed off, sighing deeply. “That one year of high school was worth the effort though.” From his periphery, he caught Andrew’s eyes. They were soft, they were understanding, they turned teasing in an instant once he realized Neil noticed. 

Andrew snorted, “Whatever you say, Lizzie McGuire.” Neil didn’t know who that was, but he didn’t have to. Biting his lip, he ran his fingers over the zipper of the bag, then promptly threw the entire thing at Andrew, before turning back to the closet. Grabbing the stool he always kept nearby, he set it before the closet and stood on top to reach the tucked away box. 

“Did you see this when you were here?” he asked. 

Andrew looked over, nodding as he set the duffle back on the bed and walked over to Neil. “I was rifling through that when it suddenly hit me how fucked up it all was,” he murmured honestly. “I put it back up there and told Renee we needed to get the hell out.”

Neil wasn’t mad at him for that. It was what it was and it was in the past. Look at where they were now? Together. 

_ It was all worth it in the end. _..

Neil inhaled a deep breath, flipped the lid of the box open, and looked inside. Fake IDs, old documents - he’d been too panicked when he ran to think about coming back for them. In hindsight, it was horrific planning. His face was on all of them, altered in whatever way, but his face nonetheless. It would’ve been devastating if anyone had found - who was he fucking kidding? Would it have made a difference? No.

<strike> _Stupid_ . </strike>

He pushed away the thoughts and pulled them out now, flipping through each old name, old birthday, old story. It was odd, really. Seeing himself with brown hair and brown eyes... He ran a finger over one of them, lost for a moment in contemplation. 

“You’re not thinking about keeping those?” Andrew asked, almost incredulous. 

Neil just shrugged. Seemed like a waste to get rid of them, really. “They could come in handy. Just in case.”

“Just in case of what? Everything is settled now. You’re officially Neil Josten. Why would you hold on to something that could put yourself in legal jeopardy?”

Neil looked up at him, mouth open and poised to argue, but something in Andrew’s expression made him stop. 

_ Oh _

“Do you think I’m going to run again?” he asked, quietly. The thought of that was ridiculous. But Andrew didn’t say anything right away and something in Neil’s chest ached. 

Andrew turned back to the closet, pulling the few clothes off the hangers and letting them fall to the floor. “I didn’t say that,” he eventually said, still facing the closet. “I just don’t know why you would need them if you’re planning on staying…”

_ With me _, he didn’t need to say. Neil was suddenly hit with the realization that although Andrew had been vulnerable with him, although he’d shared things that Neil knew he hadn’t with anyone else, except probably Bee... there was still a part of Andrew that was insecure about this. 

About them. 

Neil felt sad, and happy, and exasperated all at once. It’s not that he didn’t worry - but his worry was more in the realm of what it would mentally do to _ both _ of them if things ever fell apart. Andrew’s was apparently in the realm of Neil getting bored, taking off, and -

Neil dropped the box on the bed before approaching Andrew and turning him around with a hand on his arm. For a moment, their eyes locked and Neil felt Andrew searching for whatever answer he wanted, just as Neil was doing in return. Neil found his answer the exact moment he did and suddenly, Andrew let out a breath and laid his head on Neil’s shoulder so that his face was buried in his neck. 

“Being here makes me feel like shit. I hate it.”

_ Ditto... _

Neil wrapped arms around him and leaned his head against Andrew’s. “I’ll get rid of them. I was just thinking out loud. I’m used to contingency plans.”

He half expected Andrew to say not to worry about it, that it wasn’t really a big deal. But all he said in the end was, “Okay.”

* * *

Andrew tossed and turned. He couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t sleep _ here _ . He didn’t know this place and he didn’t know why being in this apartment again was making him so fucking twitchy. No, that was a lie. He did know. It was all a reminder of what he’d done, sure. But it was also a reminder of the desperation, the hopelessness Andrew had felt leading up to Arizona - when he thought Neil might be dead and that he’d been too late... The reluctant _ hopefulness _ he’d felt when he started getting the texts; standing in the kitchen and telling Ashleigh she was an idiot as he forced himself to 

_ Breathe in. _

_ Breathe out. _

He wished King was with him. He wished he could pull her close and let her purring soothe him to sleep. 

Instead, he just sighed and finally got up and out of the bed. He looked over to Neil and found him with eyes closed tight, his lids moving with his dreams. He wondered what he would dream about, being in this place. 

Padding to the kitchen, he made his way around the few boxes that were packed and ready to be shipped. There was no real food there, of course, so Andrew was left with pulling a bottle of water from the fridge and cracking it open - just for something to do. He took a long drink and leaned against the counter, setting it down beside him and putting this hands into his long sleeves. He worried at the edges of them and stood there in the dark kitchen, willing himself to stop being so fucking ridiculous and get some sleep. 

Neil found him there only a few minutes later, because of course, he did. Andrew knew he’d probably woken him up when he’d gotten out of bed, but he wasn’t sorry he was here now, instead of sleeping. Maybe that made him an asshole.

Neil was squinting in the dim lamplight emanating from the living room and his hair was a mess. It looked like a halo around his head, with the light filtering in from behind. His eyes met Andrew’s, finally clearing a bit, and when he approached, neither one of them spoke. Andrew moved his hands to clutch the counter behind him.

Neil lifted scarred hands to Andrew’s face, running his thumbs over the soft skin under his eyes. When he leaned forward and finally took Andrew’s mouth, Andrew felt a rippling wave of relief shudder through him. He closed his eyes and gripped the edges of the counter tighter. He wanted Neil to slowly take him apart... He just didn’t know how to ask for it out loud. He didn’t know how to express it without feeling too exposed and he didn’t want to think about this anymore. He just wanted to feel _ good _ and he wanted _ Neil _ to be the one to do that for him. Maybe that made him an asshole too - made him selfish. But Neil meant so much to him, so much that it was startling sometimes and 

As if Neil could read his mind, he deepened the kiss, hands moving from Andrew’s face, to his hair, and Andrew let go of the counter to grip the front of Neil’s shirt. 

Neil was the first to pull away, and Andrew felt cold at the loss. 

“Come on,” Neil said in an almost whisper, taking Andrew’s hands. “Let’s get in bed.”

So, they did. And Andrew didn’t wake up for the rest of the night.

* * *

Neil had woken up inspired. 

He kicked off his shoes and thanked his lucky stars that Andrew had stayed asleep for the time that he was gone. It was still early and Neil was practically giddy with excitement. 

“Hey,” he whispered. “It’s me.”

Andrew groaned in recognition as Neil slipped under the blanket fully clothed. He molded himself to Andrew’s back and wrapped an arm around his waist. Andrew snuggled himself in deeper and went still again.

“I have a surprise for you.”

“S’it ice cream?”

Neil laughed quietly. “It’s 7AM, _ babe _. No, it’s not ice cream.” Andrew only groaned, but didn’t protest further. Neil bit his lip though, unable to contain himself. He leaned in close to Andrew’s ear and placed a kiss just behind it. “We’re going to the Grand Canyon today.”

Neil could practically hear Andrew’s eyes snap open. He turned around to face Neil, looking both squinty and confused. 

“We have a plane to catch,” he said. “The Grand Canyon is three hours away.”

_ Right. But, _ “All of this is true and yet I still made it happen. Come on! We have to hurry. The rental car is being delivered.”

Andrew sat up slowly. “How the fuck did you-”

“It doesn’t matter! Hurry up!” Neil was off the bed and throwing Andrew’s clothes into his bag. Really, he’d done it by going online, making the reservation ridiculously early this morning, and requesting the car be delivered so they wouldn’t have to go pick it up. Neil worked out that they would have just enough time to go to the Grand Canyon for an hour or so, before they had to hurry back to drop off Neil’s boxes at UPS and catch their flight home. Sure, it was only an hour, but Neil felt this inexplicable urge to make this happen.

For both of them.

-

Andrew was still getting dressed when Neil got the text that the car was there. He ran outside to sign for everything and get the keys, then ran back inside, grabbing boxes and loading them up quickly. He only had three plus his exy stick, which he planned to take on the plane.

Andrew emerged from the bathroom ten minutes later, hair wet and slicked back. He had on a black shirt with the sleeves cut off and his armbands on, and Neil decided this was his favorite look of Andrew’s. 

His fingers were rubbing cream into the scars on his cheek when Neil asked, “ready?”

Andrew nodded and grabbed his bag with his free hand, then followed Neil out of the door. Neil started to turn around and lock it before he remembered he didn’t have keys and it wouldn’t really matter. If someone wanted to come and steal the three bowls and two plates left behind, they were more than welcome. It was time to move on. 

He started to head toward the car before Andrew stopped him. “You’re not going to have a moment? Say goodbye to the apartment?”

Neil turned to look at him, then the door once more. “No,” he said easily, “I’m good. This place was never really home. I let it go when I left it.” 

Andrew looked towards the door, then again at Neil. “Good. I’m driving.”

* * *

Around three hours, one stop for fast food, and two arguments over music choice later, they were at the Grand Canyon. Neil had originally mapped it out so they would end up not too far from the snack shack where they’d first met. It was still a bit of a walk once they paid and parked -

But they made it. 

The sun was hot, oppressively so. Sweat was slick on the back of Andrew’s neck, but this time, he relished in the warmth, remembering what it was like all those years ago. Neil reached for his hand and he let him have it.

Because here they were. The snack shack was before them, much smaller than Andrew had remembered, but it was definitely it. 

“What do you think you would’ve done if you knew we’d be back here, all these years later?” Neil asked him, keeping his eyes forward. 

Andrew stroked Neil’s thumb with his own and thought for a proper answer. Really, he didn’t know. He most certainly wouldn’t have thought _ this _ \- that they’d come here together, after starting a life with each other. It still felt slightly implausible, _ and yet. _“I probably wouldn’t believe it,” Andrew eventually said. 

“Me neither...”

With a squeeze of Neil’s hand, he started towards the snack bar, tugging Neil behind him. This time, it was open and the guy behind the window looked bored while waiting for someone to need something. Andrew stepped up to the window. 

“One fudgesicle and a pack of skittles.” He heard Neil snort behind him, but didn’t turn around to see. He kept his eye on the guy behind the window. His nametag said David, but his face said recognition, and Andrew rolled his eyes just waiting. _ David’s _ eyes kept glancing at Andrew’s scars and the moment Neil stepped closer into view, his eyes went wide. 

“You -”

Neil looked at him with a raised brow and Andrew took the food, dropped some cash, and walked away with Neil trailing behind him. 

“That was weird,” Neil mumbled, though reactions like that were normal now. It wasn’t so much as weird, as it was expected. But, it was nice to play pretend. “Also,” he continued, “I get nostalgia, but I still fucking hate skittles.”

Andrew tossed him the pack anyway and ripped his fudgesicle open. “Live a little, kid.”

Neil laughed and squeezed the pack. “So, that guy recognized us.”

Andrew took the pop out of his mouth long enough to say, “Yep.”

Neil sighed, but moved on. Instead, together they made their way to the closest viewing point and Andrew realized once they got there that it was the same one he’d been at when Cass had dragged him away - the one where he’d looked over the edge and imagined the fall. 

Neil stepped up beside him and leaned into his side. “Do you like this place better than the apartment?” 

Andrew just nodded. Despite the fact that he was here with the Spears, this was where he met _ Alex _ and because of that, he liked this place significantly better. Leaning back into Neil’s side, Andrew looked over the edge. “It’s a long way down from here.”

Neil pressed his chest to the railing and peered down with a hum. “Yep,” he nudged Andrew’s shoulder with his own. “Sometimes the fall is worth what’s waiting at the bottom.”

Andrew’s chest tightened and he felt like he was going to throw up. Or maybe that was just the butterfl-

_ Gross. _

“Guaranteed death?” he countered instead, voice as neutral as he could make it. 

“Or that.”

They stood quietly together, looking over the canyon and taking in the chatter around and the whistling wind. Andrew didn’t know what Neil was thinking, but he found himself reflecting, realizing that he felt almost suffocated back at that apartment and he still wasn’t sure _ why _ it’d hit him so hard. It was stupid, really... Or that’s what Andrew told himself. That place was Neil’s, it was his moment to feel whatever Andrew assumed he’d feel, but it was the reverse. Andrew felt like he was going to fall apart and Neil? He knew how to pick up his pieces and put him back together again. Because look at where they were and look at where they’d been. Coming from their amazing trip to the cabin - where they’d been in a bubble, hidden from everyone but each other. It was jarring, in more ways than the obvious. 

Andrew had felt laid bare in a way he’d never felt with anyone before. It was freeing, in a way. He knew that he had these rules and boundaries for a reason, and with time and effort and help from Bee, he’d come to accept why they were there. But with Neil, he’d been able to push them when he didn’t think he’d ever be able to. Not even just sexually, though Andrew was grateful for that as well. 

He’d never been as emotionally vulnerable with anyone the way he was with Neil. That both gave him a sense of intense relief and intense fear. They’d both fallen into this farther than the fall of this cliff would’ve been, and he didn’t know what would happen if _ they _ hit the bottom. 

But,

_ Sometimes the fall is worth what’s waiting at the bottom. _

“I have an idea,” Andrew said suddenly and turned back toward the snack bar. He tossed his trash in a can on the way and saw Neil slip the pack of skittles into his pocket. Andrew approached David, who was still behind the counter, but talking on his phone. 

He glanced up and saw Andrew headed his way. “Oh my god I have to go they’re coming back. No, I’m not asking him - okay wow fuck you bye.”

<strike>Andrew _did not_ roll his eyes again.</strike>

David set the phone down as they made it to the window. He opened his mouth to speak, but Andrew beat him to it. “We need to come inside.”

“What?” Neil said.

“What?” David said, but then his eyes went wide and covered his mouth with both hands. “Okay, so like. I wasn’t going to say anything but I’m a huge fan and I follow the website and hang out in the discord and I’m fucking dying because _ this is _ ** _the_ ** _ fucking snack bar! _”

Neil turned a laugh into a cough, but Andrew stayed blank. He stared David down and waited. 

“I mean, shit. Yeah. Fuck. Let me open the door.”

He quickly unlocked the door and Andrew gestured his head for David to get the fuck out. He did with only a small pause, then a quick nod of, “yeah sure, you got it, man” that Andrew didn’t listen to as he yanked Neil in behind him and closed the door. 

Together, they looked around for a moment. It was much smaller, Andrew thought again, but the cooler was still there, the shelves of chips and boxes of candies that were still as dated as they’d been 13 years ago. He looked to the floor and briefly saw the shade of their past selves sitting on the floor, comparing scars and making plans to run away. 

“Come here,” Andrew murmured, tugging Neil close. He shifted them to roughly the same spot they’d been in, right before Alex disappeared and Andrew was left hopelessly empty with nothing but a pinky promise to keep him going.

Neil smiled when he realized what Andrew was doing. 

But this wasn’t 13 years ago. Alex, _ Neil _ wasn’t leaving. It was so fucking different this time. They’d walk out of this shack _ together _. And because it was so different, the picture Andrew took was too. 

This time they both smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A happy little end to this teeny tiny chapter for our boys ^^ We hope you enjoyed and as always, we love you all so so SO FUCKING MUCH!!!!! Thank you for sticking with us, for staying active, and constantly giving us love and support. We know. We always say it. But it means the world and we're so fucking excited to zoom tf into season 2. We figured out the storyline and YOO WE'RE HYPE!!! Stay tuned for Mondays announcement... (More of that on Sunday!)  
As always, kudos and comments are always appreciated! Don't forget to subscribe to get emails every time we update!!!!  
Love y'all!!!!


	4. Chicago, IL - T - Andrew/Neil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new addition is added to the family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, it's been forever since we've posted anything. WE'RE SORRY. Honestly, life has been so fucking hectic and crazy, that getting content out has been difficult. Nonetheless, we are BACK and READY TO POST AND GET SEASON 2 STARTED! Ch 1 is in the process of being written and we're trying to get it and all the components together asap! With all that being said, a lot has been happening on the page! We now have a new design for our [Tumblr](https://redrabbitspod.tumblr.com/), as well as an updated directory, team page, etc. Updates are rolling in every week, as well as hints for Season 2, so if you are not following us already, please hop on there after reading this!  
We even have a sneak peek of Season 2's new theme, so you can check that out as well - link in end notes!  
That's probably it??? Anyway, please subscribe to BloodyDamnit and Jeni182 on here, AO3, because Red Rabbits Season 2 will be posted within this series, but also separate from Season 1! By subscribing to us as authors, you will be updated whenever we post, which will be needed in order to not miss the drop of Season 2, if you aren't already following us on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/RedRabbitsPod) and [Tumblr](https://redrabbitspod.tumblr.com/)!
> 
> Okay that's all. No triggers for this chapter! Just a lot of feel good, heart to heart kinda stuff ^^ Also, Happy Twinyard week!!! We hope you enjoy!
> 
> *** This one shot takes place after case 1, before case 2 in September/early October

The sky was dark above Fox Tower, but the stars shone bright - brighter than Andrew had ever remembered them shining. Usually, light pollution drowned them out, suffocated them, and pushed until they were swallowed by the night. But not here, not now. Tonight it seemed like the galaxy was knocking on earth’s door and demanding entrance. 

He looked to Neil who’s eyes were lifted skywards, too. 

“It’s big.”

Andrew huffed, “No shit, Sherlock.”

Neil dragged his eyes over to him, a small twitch dancing in the corner of his lips. Then, he leaned in. Neil kissed him and Andrew didn’t let himself think about it like he sometimes did - about how this was Neil. How it was too good and the pure matter of that fact could be terrifying. He shoved a block in his mind to keep away anything that could pull his feelings too close to the surface, but the feel of Neil’s lips on his as he kissed Neil back and listened to the sound of _ I’m Still Standing _ by Elton John begin to play in the background... 

_ Wait. What the fuck...? _

Pulling back, he looked at Neil with a furrowed brow. That rise in the corner of Neil’s lips twitched more, before he smiled _ that _smile and said, “It’s my favorite song.”

Andrew leaned further away and looked around. They were outside... Where was it coming from?

When he looked back at Neil, Neil’s hand was on his cheek and his thumb rubbed over his cheekbone. 

“What are you going to do when I’m gone?” he asked. 

_ What - _

Andrew flinched as if he’d been physically struck. “What?” he asked aloud because _ gone...? _ Gone _ where? _ Why would Neil say that to him? He’d fought so hard - so hard to keep him, keep _ this _ and -

“I said, wake up.”

-

He was gasping. There was a bed beneath him, familiar in its warmth and almost jarring as the nightmare still clung to the _ good _ memories in his mind. He sat up in bed, untangling his legs from Neil’s and putting a hand to his chest where his heart hammered against his ribs. He tried to breathe, tried to calm it down. But, when he closed his eyes all he could see was the tenderness in Neil’s eyes, the corner of his lips, and his voice weaving between the fear,

_ What are you going to do when I’m gone? _

Quickly opening his eyes, he looked over to Neil, who was staring at him with wide eyes. 

“You okay?” he whispered. 

_ No _. 

Andrew nodded anyway. He could still hear the music. 

_ He could still hear the music _. 

Looking around, he finally realized it was his phone. He looked back at Neil, brows raised. 

Neil’s shoulders shrugged and he bit back a smile <strike> _that smile_ </strike> <strike>. </strike>“It’s my favorite song... and it’s also the second time they’ve called. You might want to see who it is.”

Andrew picked up his phone, blinking several times before staring at the name in confusion for a second. It was Aaron, which was odd because it was rare that Aaron called at all... Much less in the middle of the night -

“Oh, _ fuck _,” Andrew hissed, throwing the blankets off himself and standing up before answering. Quickly though, he put the phone to his ear and grabbed his glasses from the bedside table, shoving them on his face on his way out of the room. 

“Is the baby here?” he answered, already opening his laptop. 

_ ‘Not yet. Katelyn’s contractions are five minutes apart so we’re on the way to the hospital. How quickly can you get here?’ _

“I’m looking at flights now. We’ll be there as soon as we can.”

_ ‘We?’ _

Andrew stopped typing. Hunched over the desk, he straightened and squinted his eyes into the ambient darkness. “Neil’s coming with me,” he replied, like it was obvious. Because it was... right?

_ Fuck, it _ ** _is_ **. 

Where one went the other did too. Never seen without each other, never not within shouting distance, never... _ never never never- _

Aaron was quiet for as long as it took for Andrew to pull himself back to reality. Blinking quickly, he focused on the screen and reached inside of himself to grab onto the small piece that wanted to tell Aaron to go fuck himself. That want was blocked by the fact that this was Aaron’s baby - his and Katelyn’s, and Andrew didn’t want there to be unnecessary tension the first time he met her... In fact, if there was ever a moment Aaron would want to get anything out of Andrew, now was the time.

<strike> _But Neil_ </strike>

“Aaron?”

_ ‘Just...hold on a second.’ _

There was mumbling in the background. Somewhere, Katelyn’s voice mumbled back something Andrew couldn’t decipher. Then,

_ ‘Katelyn says it’s fine, so it’s fine. Text me with your flight info. Do you mind keeping Bella some while you’re here? Bee’s with her now, but she’s going to have to go back to South Carolina tomorrow. We didn’t expect Kate to go this far past her due date and she has a conference she’s leading this week.’ _

“Don’t ask stupid questions. I’ll text you.”

Andrew hung up the phone and continued searching for flights. At some point, he felt Neil come up behind him with silent, socked feet. 

“Is the baby here?” he asked, voice sleep rough. Andrew didn’t turn to answer. Instead, he put a hand to his chin as his eyes scanned the outgoing flights. It was 6:00AM now... the soonest flight they could get wasn’t until later in the afternoon and,

“She’s on the way,” he finally answered. “I’m looking for tickets now. Go start packing.”

Neil hesitated, so Andrew finally turned. “What?” He was being impatient, he knew. Frustration ate at his nerves and he felt his brow twitch as his pinky _ tap tap tapped _ anxiously at the ‘ENTER’ button, without actually pressing down. 

“Are you sure it’s okay for me to go...?” Neil asked, eyes glancing down at the tapping, but then trailing back up to Andrew’s. “They don’t _ really _ know me and I don’t want to intrude.”

_ Oh _

Andrew rolled his eyes because he felt like it was something that deserved to have eyes rolled at. He turned back around. “They met you months ago and Katelyn said it’s fine. Go pack.” 

Neil’s presence left his back and Andrew started a new search at other airports to see what would get his new niece in his arms asap. 

* * *

Andrew was driving like he was running for his goddamn life. Neil felt like they were being chased all over again. 

“You know,” he said matter of factly, “if you get pulled over for going 100 miles over the speed limit, it’ll take us longer to get to the airport.”

Andrew waved a hand at him, brushing off the concern. “They’d have to catch me firs- Why the _ fuck _ is everyone driving so _ fucking _ slow right now?” he hissed, hand holding the wheel in a tight grip. 

Neil knew Andrew was scared he’d miss everything. Last update they got, Katelyn had been admitted to the hospital, but was still in labor. She didn’t want a lot of people there immediately after anyway, so Neil figured they’d get to Chicago in plenty of time. 

_ Still _, there was something so... nice? Normal? Comforting? About seeing Andrew this worked up over a baby. Neil knew how much he loved Bella - knew how seriously he took his role as Uncle. Honestly, he couldn’t wait to see Andrew hold a baby. 

<strike> _I don’t fucking know why._ </strike>

“Hey, we’re going to get to the airport hours early at this rate. The plane isn’t going to leave any sooner just because we’re there waiting.” Neil put a hand on Andrew’s arm. It was as tense as his grip on the wheel. Neil stroked his thumb slowly against the exposed bit of skin right above the black armband and felt a bit of that tension fade. “We’ll get there,” he reassured and beneath his hand, Andrew relaxed more. Neil’s eyes flicked to the speedometer and watched the number decrease. He rubbed Andrew’s arm one more time before letting go. 

Andrew was tense again, of course, as soon as they set foot in the airport. Impatient all the way through security, Andrew sat waiting to board the plane with a bouncing leg and eyes set on his phone as he clicked the screen on and off, checking for notifications. 

When they finally boarded, surprisingly, he calmed considerably once they were settled. Neil found that funny. A smile was playing on his lips and he knew it, warmth spreading throughout his chest as he leaned his arm against Andrew’s. 

“Ah,” he murmured low, “So you just need to have a family member give birth in order to fly like a normal person. Noted.”

“I just need to get to where the fuck I’m going,” Andrew grumbled, pulling out his airpods and offering one to Neil. He took it after sneaking a quick kiss. 

“We’ll get there. You’ll be holding her soon.” 

Andrew seemed slightly appeased and leaned back in his seat, closing his eyes. 

* * *

Up, then down, they were there quicker than Andrew thought. He’d paid a ridiculous amount for tickets that were direct flights and despite the fact that his bank account weeped, he was glad for it. Pulling out his phone as soon as they were off the plane, he turned it on and called Aaron immediately. 

When he answered he sounded out of breath. 

_ ‘Eight pounds, 3 ounces!’ _ Aaron said, laughing. _ ‘She’s huge, Andrew!’ _

Andrew couldn’t help the smile that made its way to the corner of his own mouth. “She must get that from Katelyn, then. How’s she doing?”

_ ‘Well!’ _ Aaron took a deep breath, but he could hear the smile in his twin’s voice. _ ‘Exhausted, but they have her on enough pain meds at the moment, that I think she’s okay. She’s nursing the baby.’ _

“We’ll check into the hotel,” Andrew said. “Call me and let me know when we can-”

_ ‘Hotel?' _ Aaron sounded confused. Andrew didn’t know why. He’d stayed at a hotel when Bella was born. At the moment, he and Katelyn lived in a pretty nice three bedroom townhouse, but he couldn’t imagine them wanting him and Neil there when they brought the baby home and got settled.

“Yes, hotel. It’s not far from your house. It’s the same one Bee and I stayed in last time.”

_ ‘Bee is staying at the house,’ _ Aaron said. _ ‘She’s been helping with Bella, but she has to leave tomorrow, remember? Just go to the house. Bee hasn’t left for the hospital yet, so she’ll be able to let you in.’ _

Andrew took the phone from his ear and stared at it for a minute. Why the fuck was Aaron being so damn hospitable? He wasn’t this okay with them sleeping in the same house when they _ lived _ in the same fucking house and - 

He put the phone back to his ear. 

“Alright... Text me when Katelyn wants visitors.”

When he hung up, he slipped the phone back into his pocket and squinted at the patterned airport carpet. 

“So...” Neil spoke at some point, bumping his shoulder into Andrew’s. “He wants us to stay at his house? Is that weird? It feels weird?” When he lifted his head, Neil was watching his feet as they walked, brow furrowed. 

“It’s weird,” Andrew agreed. Shaking his head, he took a deep breath and shrugged a shoulder for the _ bright side _. “But, it means more time with Bells. So I won’t complain.”

They caught an Uber and 45 minutes later, they pulled up to the front of Aaron’s house. 

It wasn’t much, but it had a charm to it that reminded Andrew of Bee’s house. Despite the lack of time both of them had, Aaron and Katelyn had made a quaint home for themselves in the suburbs of Chicago. The front beds, though perhaps needing some maintenance, were filled with flourishing flowers even if a weed stuck up here and there, and butterflies flitted around for their late-summer nectar. The outside was made of brick, with a white door that had slightly peeling paint, but was adorned with a summer wreath that Andrew was sure had originally been Bee’s. Lastly, on the second floor was a _ beautiful _ crayon drawing made up of bright colors that Bella had made. It was taped to the window and facing out. 

_ ‘Is so e _ ** _b_ ** _ eryone can see,’ _Bella had explained, chocolate smeared on her face and eyes as bright and warm as honey. 

He didn’t realize he was smiling to himself, stepping out of the car while Neil grabbed their bags, handed Andrew his, and bumped their shoulders. Just as he was about to say something, the front door opened and there was Bee, one hand on her hip and the other quickly waving them in with a smile creasing her eyes. 

She hugged Andrew and he let himself be wrapped in ** _l_ ** <strike>_ove_ _and_</strike> warmth. “Hello, honey,” she said quietly. “How are you feeling after the flight?”

“I’m fine,” he said, moving to sling his bag off his shoulder. “Where’s Bella?”

“At school,” Bee answered, turning to Neil. “Neil, how are you? I’m so glad you could come with Andrew.”

“Me too,” Neil said and gave her a shy smile. 

Andrew knew that he didn’t know what to make of Bee quite yet. Neil disliked her profession and had some (probably not completely irrational) fear that she was psychoanalyzing him every time he opened his mouth. Bee hadn’t been Andrew’s therapist in any official capacity since she’d taken guardianship of he and Aaron, but that didn’t stop her from offering advice from a therapist’s perspective. 

He had to admit, he liked seeing them in one room together...

“Aaron said we should stay here,” he spoke up. “I guess we’ll camp out in the living room.” He took Neil’s bag from him and started to make his way through the white arch that led to the next room. 

“Don’t be silly. You two take the spare room,” Bee said, shaking her head vehemently. “They’re making it the nursery, but since the baby will be in the room with them for a while, the guest bed is still up.”

Neil shook his head and responded before Andrew could speak. “No, really - I’d,” He looked to Andrew, then back to Bee, “I’d feel weird kicking you out of a bed. We can easily sleep on the couch. Don’t make me feel any weirder than I already do.”

Rather than be offended (Bee would never), she laughed. “Of _ course _ , I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. _ But _, really. I don’t mind. The couch in the living room is a pullout, but I’m afraid there’s not much room for two.”

Neil shifted uncomfortably and Andrew spotted it out the corner of his eye. He wondered if Bee knowing they shared a bed made him feel awkward. 

_ Probably. _

Andrew then wondered if he, himself, should feel awkward.

_ I don’t. _

He’d never come right out and said anything to Bee about their physical relationship, but he didn’t need to. She knew - somehow - like she always did. And if her knowing looks and hints at ‘safety’ were any indication, she was thrilled for him. 

Afterall, she knew what it must have taken for Andrew to share a bed with Neil - to trust someone enough to have them in his house and to care for someone so much that it was wanted <strike> _needed_ </strike>. 

“It’s fine,” Andrew said to Neil, if only to stop him from fidgeting. “We’ll take the spare bedroom.” He looked to Bee and nodded, then moved with both bags towards the stairs. He dodged the little pink, green, and yellow shoes lined to the right of the bottom stairs and climbed to the second floor. 

The townhouse was stacked upon itself. On the ground level was the kitchen, living room, and a small bathroom, while the upper held the three bedrooms. It was nice, really. Everything was neatly decorated, but had clear signs of wear and the presence of a very energetic four year old. Halfway up the stairs was a scribble in blue where Bella had sat and wanted to draw fish in sharpie. Neither Aaron or Katelyn had tried to wash it off. 

There was other evidence of a happy_ family_ everywhere you looked - from the shoes at the bottom of the stairs and the _very_ _advanced_ and _intricate_ scribbles scattered about the walls, to the pictures filled with _family_ in clusters along the hall and wooden floors well loved and worn in. Something about it made warmth spread throughout Andrew’s chest and compare it to the home he’d made with Neil. Once empty and sterile, now filled with memories that Andrew would rather die than forget and - 

_ Must be a pain in the ass walking up and down these fuckin’ stairs over and over with a baby. _

<strike> _Anyway._ </strike>

Neil was on his heels, not wanting to be alone with Bee, Andrew assumed. Once on the next landing, he pushed open the door to the room and took in the crib shoved in the corner, right across from the bed that rested against the wall on the other side of the room. There were boxes of diapers stacked haphazardly and even more drawings taped more _ formally _ to the wall. Andrew moved closer into the room to study them. Bella, Andrew saw, had drawn pictures for the new baby. 

Newly four as of the end of August, Bella had just started preschool this year. Clearly, that had helped her hone her _ skills _ as an _ artíste. _ Though hard to make out and featuring most of the scribbles Andrew had passed on the stairs and on the street from her window, he could most _ certainly _ decipher that the circles were meant to be people. There was one of her and the new baby holding hands, he thought, stepping closer and studying one of the _ masterpieces _. 

Truly, it was some of the best art he’d ever seen. Snapping a picture, he sent it to Seth. 

_ My niece is an artistic genius. Let me know if you want some pointers from her. _

Neil stepped up next to him, squinting up at the drawings with pursed lips. 

“This is you,” he said, touching his finger to the paper. Andrew shifted so he could see and the warmth that spread behind his ribs was something so few people in his life had ever made him feel. Neil, being one of those people, took his hand and held it. Just because. 

It _ was _ him. He was a circle, just like everyone else, but his was different because there were two smaller circles at the top, indicating round glasses. Dots scattered around the top as well, which Andrew thought probably indicated his piercings. 

“The likeness is uncanny. She got your morose stare and everything...”

Andrew couldn’t help his laugh and suddenly, he was glad Aaron asked them to stay here. 

_ Speak of the devil _

His phone pinged with a text. When Andrew pulled it out, he paused only long enough to say, “We can go to the hospital,” then left the room, rushing down the stairs while taking two at a time. He called for Bee and she appeared near the door, purse and keys already in hand. 

“I got it, too,” she said, then handed Andrew the keys to her rental, already knowing he would insist on driving. 

-

They made it to the hospital sooner than they really should have, thanks to Andrew’s _ creative _ driving. With a small package in hand that he’d extracted from his luggage before they left, he took a deep breath as the elevator took them up _ up up. _

He was nervous, he realized. He didn’t fucking know why. It wasn’t like the baby would remember this meeting - not like he had to make a good first impression. But... _ Still. _ He remembered holding Bella for the first time. He remembered the air leaving his lungs and locking eyes with Aaron from across the room. He remembered the moment they both decided that Bella was quite possibly the thing that would save them both and the silent, mutual agreement they’d shared. 

_ We’ll protect this baby. We’ll give her the life we never had. We’ll love her like we were not loved. _

The elevator dinged on the right floor and Andrew shook himself from his thoughts. Neil took his hand again and Andrew let him without pulling away or trying to hide it. Honestly, he needed this right now, so he squeezed once to say _ ‘I’m okay’ _ and together with Bee, they made their way to the room. 

“Knock, knock!” Bee called as they walked in. Andrew heard Katelyn call back, _ ‘Come in Mama Bee!’ _ before his brother laughed. 

Shirtless, Aaron had the baby as he sat in one of the chairs, small bundle cuddled against his chest all quiet and warm and soft with skin to skin contact. Katelyn was sitting up in bed, a high bun atop her head and looking justifiably tired, but undeniably happy. 

“And Uncle Andrew and... Uncle Neil?” She tried looking terribly serious, but her lips twitched at the corners. He turned his eyes to Neil, whose mouth was gaping as he searched for something to say. It made Katelyn laugh, “I’m joking Neil, calm down. I know Andrew hasn’t made an honest Uncle of you yet. Thanks for coming to see her.”

Neil closed his mouth and nodded, “Of course,” his weight shifted from one foot to the other. “Thanks for letting me come.” Knowing Neil, nothing was coming after that, so Bee took over while Andrew turned back to Aaron, who was looking at Neil shrewdly. Rather than say anything, they exchanged nods as Neil took his place beside Andrew. 

Meanwhile, Aaron stood and shifted the baby so they could see her in his arms. Sidling up to the other side of Andrew, he said quietly, “Dylan Harper, meet your Uncle Andrew... He’ll spoil you rotten and make me deal with the consequences.” _ Damn right, I will _ . Andrew felt himself smile. Aaron went on, “And this is Neil. He said they were just friends the last time I saw him, but he’s a liar. _ Yes, he is, _” Aaron cooed, bringing Dylan up enough in his arms to kiss her forehead. 

Rather than get mad, Andrew rolled his eyes and was glad to be in between the two, Neil made a scoffing noise, but ultimately didn’t comment. Taking that as a good sign, <strike> _while also not caring, because his new baby niece was inches away,_ </strike>he leaned forward to get a better look at her. 

She was perfect, Andrew thought. _ Of course she is _. Aaron had said on the phone that she was huge, but she was tiny... So, so tiny. Surely Bella had never been this small. Surely - Dylan shifted a bit in Aaron’s arms, looking for the warmth she’d been basking in. 

Bee gave a tiny gasp as she came to stand on Aaron’s other side to get a better look. “Oh, Kate,” she whispered breathlessly, looking back at Katelyn. “She’s beautiful...” And then launched immediately into, “How are you feeling?” As she made her way to the side of Katelyn’s bed and Andrew was halfway positive she did it just so he could hold the baby first. 

“Hand sanitizer,” Aaron said, nodding towards it. Andrew set the small package on a nearby table and immediately pumped some sanitizer into his hands, then rubbed them together. Once he was ready, Aaron gently handed the baby over and turned to put his shirt back on. Andrew adjusted easily, her little head propped by the crook of his elbow and lifted so he could see her best. He stared down at her and felt his heart pound against his chest. She was squished looking, with chubby cheeks and a tiny mouth that looked like a triangle with a perfect little _ O _ in the middle. Her breath was soft and silent, but sent little puffs of heat against his chest as she soundly slept, looking content and angelic and _ perfect _. Andrew ran a finger down her cheek, marveling at how soft her skin was, before he turned and looked up at Neil. He could feel the smile stretch on his face. Neil’s answering smile was wide and Andrew knew he must look like a fuckin’ grinning idiot. 

Aaron made his way back over to stand beside Andrew. He looked up from Dylan’s face to his brother’s. Andrew met his stare, locking eyes with hazel identical to his own - identical to Bella’s. The same understanding that passed through them when Bella was born, passed through them again. 

_ ‘Love and protect and nurture. Like we never had.’ _

Aaron reached to tug the small knit cam from Dylan’s head and underneath was a thick smattering of red hair. Andrew laughed. 

“Thought you’d appreciate that,” Aaron said, grinning like he’d just won the lottery. 

<strike> _He has._ </strike>

“That’s right, Uncle Andrew,” Katelyn said, now sipping from a cup. Andrew turned to face her and saw a mischievous smile light her face. “Another redhead. I know how fond you Minyard boys are of us gingers.” Her gaze slid over to Neil pointedly and Andrew huffed a laugh. She wasn’t wrong. 

“That just means you have to have another,” Andrew said with a little shrug so as to not disturb the tiny one in his arms. “Minyard blond is bound to rear its ugly head eventually.”

Katelyn rolled her eyes. “Jesus, Andrew. Let me get through my residency before you start wishing more children on me. Besides, pretty sure we’re done with Dylan, here.”

“I don’t think the Minyard blond is so ugly,” Neil piped up. He’d retreated to a corner of the room, presumably to give them more space. Really, he looked like he was trying to make himself blend in with the wall. 

“Me neither,” Katelyn said, smile still dancing, but head shaking. “Neil, would you like to hold her?”

“No,” he answered a touch too quickly. “I mean...” He flicked his eyes to look at Andrew, Aaron, then back to Katelyn. “No... I’m fine, thanks. I don’t want... you guys should...” He waved a hand in their general direction. 

“What time does Bella get out of school?” Andrew interrupted, more to save Neil from having to explain himself than anything. 

“4:30,” Bee said, straightening Katelyn’s blankets and turning to look in a nearby cabinet for what Andrew assumed was another pillow. “I was going to go pick her up, but would you like to do it, honey?” She asked over her shoulder. “I’m sure she’d love to be surprised - ah, ha!” Bee pulled out another pillow and motioned for Katelyn to lean forward so she could prop up her back more. Bee continued, “If that’s okay with Aaron and Kate, of course.”

“Sure,” Aaron said, reaching for the baby. Andrew was loathe to give her up, his arms tightening a fraction as he brushed his finger along her cheek one more time. He looked up at the clock though and it told him that he’d have to leave soon if he wanted to get to Bella’s preschool before then. “What’d you bring us, by the way?” Aaron asked, taking Dylan back into his arms. 

Andrew grabbed the package on the table and handed it to Katelyn, since Aaron’s arms were occupied. She opened it slowly and laughed when she saw the front. She held it up for everyone to see. 

It was a onesie - white with the Red Rabbits logo across the front. Aaron dramatically rolled his eyes, “Branding our baby, already? What is she? Advertising? A little billboard?”

Andrew stood in front of Aaron, but only to run his fingers over Dylan’s copper hair in a silent goodbye, smile still <strike>surprisingly</strike> on his lips. It was darker than Bella’s had been. _ Almost Neil’s color, really _. Andrew shrugged, “When I’m famous because of my winning podcast personality, she can say she was there for it.”

Aaron snorted, “I’m sure,” Then nodded to the door. “Go get Bella and bring her back here to meet her sister, would you?”

After getting the necessary details from Aaron, Andrew tugged Neil by his long sleeve and made their way to Bee’s rental. 

-

They pulled up to the school a few minutes early, and after a raised eyebrow at Andrew’s appearance and a call to Aaron to confirm that he was indeed allowed to pick up his niece from school, he was told the way to Bella’s classroom. 

Heart beating out of his god damned chest, Neil followed a step behind and while Andrew was aware of his presence, he was so focused on getting to Bella that he wouldn’t have known if Neil had taken a wrong turn at this point. 

They came to a door with insects taped in a curving line from top to bottom with all the kids names. Andrew spotted out Bella’s ladybug automatically and smiled to himself as he knocked on the locked door. A teacher opened it and Andrew assumed the front desk must’ve called to let them know, because she just said, ‘Bella?’, before stepping aside once he nodded to admit both he and Neil. 

The room was what Andrew assumed most Preschool classrooms looked like - complete with little chairs, a cubby with tiny toddler shoes, a dozen rugs with rudimentary learning printed about, and a Purell dispenser against the wall at ‘Adult’ height. There were still quite a few kids placed about the rooms on different types of rugs, completing activities that Andrew had no interest in, because his eyes found her already. 

“Bella!” the teacher called. “It’s time to go!” 

Bella looked up from where she was coloring at a child-sized table and there was no holding back the smile. Andrew felt it stretch ridiculously across his face as Bella let out a high pitched squeal that startled several of the children she was sitting near. 

“UNKIE ANDWEW!” She jumped up from her seat, red hair barely held in a ponytail and wearing a Paw Patrol shirt and _ jean shorts _ <strike> _not. Jorts._ </strike>

She was perfect. 

Assuming position, Andrew squatted down as she ran towards him and scooped her up the moment she collided with his chest. His arms around her were tight, the hug _ everything _, and he only pulled back when he heard her little sniffle. 

“Bells, why are you crying?” he asked, using the pad of his thumb to wipe away a tear. 

“I’m so happy,” she said, sniffling and wiping her nose on his black shirt. He didn’t mind. 

_ Me too _

“Me too,” he whispered, hugging her again. He tucked his face into her little shoulder, closed his eyes, and willed himself not to _ fucking lose it _ in this preschool classroom - with teachers and students and _ Neil _ staring at him curiously. 

Bella always did this to him... He didn’t see her near enough, so when he did, he felt like his chest would cave in every single fucking time. Even the fact that he had someone in his life that cried just because they were happy to see him was... 

<strike> _I don’t deserve it. _ </strike>

She was the one to pull back this time, placing her little hands on either side of his face as she very seriously asked, “Is the baby here?”

“She’s here,” Andrew said, tucking a stray, wild lock of red hair behind her ear. “And she’s waiting on her big sister at the hospital-” Bella immediately wiggled to be put down, to which he quietly laughed. Once her feet were set on the floor, she kept a firm grip on Andrew’s hand as she marched him over to her teacher. 

“This is Unkie Andwew,” she said, proudly with her chin held high. “He’s here for my sistor and me.” Then, “THIS IS UNKIE ANDWEW_ ,” _she said louder, demanding her classmates attention and making sure she was heard. 

_ No idea where she got that from. _

“Why’s he got so many earrings?!” one little boy called. 

“Because he CAN, Jackson. That’s Cucklened,” she said, pointing to Neil who was still by the door. “Daddy says his name is Neil and big cousin Nicky says he and Unkie are in _ YOVE _.”

“EW GROSS,” echoed throughout the room. Andrew had to agree. 

_ Ew gross. _

He was going to fucking kill Nicky the next time they were in the same room. Even Bella’s teacher’s face was red with her effort to hold her laughter in and Andrew decided that was eno-

Back straight, brows raised, look of absolute confidence written all over her face and _ fuck _ . She _ was _ pretty fucking funny. 

“Okay, Bella. Why don’t you get your backpack so you and Uncle Andrew can go see the baby.” 

Thankfully, Bella acquiesced. She gathered her _ very cool _ dinosaur backpack, light-up velcro sneakers, and held her arms up in an obvious request for Andrew to hold her. Which he _ of course _ abided. As he held her, she hugged him tight, arms and legs latched around him like a koala all the way to the car. She didn’t even look up when Neil gave her a tentative, ‘Hi, Bella.’

“Hi, Neil,” she said from somewhere in Andrew’s neck, once they exited the school. 

He tried to put her down when they got to the car, but she held fast, squeezing her limbs even tighter and whined a long, “Noooooo!”

“Bells, I have to drive.”

“I can sit in your lap while you drive.”

“No, Bella. You have to sit in your car seat. I need you to be safe, okay?”

Bella made an indistinct whining noise again and Andrew had to admit that he was impressed by the grip strength of this four year old. Looking at Neil helplessly over her shoulder, he knew logically that he had to put her down... that she needed to be in her car seat and follow the _ law. _ But, he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t mentally trying to figure out how to drive with her in his lap. 

Neil laughed and held out his hand. “How about Uncle Andrew lets me drive and he can sit in the back with you? Does that sound okay, Bella?”

The response was automatic. “Yes!” she said, wiggling down and grabbing Andrew’s hand as she dragged him to the back door where Bee had Bella’s car seat buckled in. Once he got it open, he handed the keys to Neil and wasn’t even annoyed about it. If he had to forfeit driving to sit in the back with Bella, you’re damn right he fucking would. 

Climbing in beside her after she was properly buckled in, she held out her hand and he took it between both of his own. They stayed like that for the whole ride to the hospital, Neil stealing amused glances at them in the rearview the entire way. 

* * *

Katelyn and Aaron brought baby Dylan home on Thursday. Bee had to leave Wednesday morning, so Neil and Andrew kept themselves busy with Bella when she wasn’t in school, running errands, and bringing Aaron and Katelyn edible food when she was. 

Because of the layout of Aaron’s house, Neil and Andrew were able to hear every time Dylan woke up in the night. Neil didn’t really mind and Andrew didn’t either, but he was always worried that Bella would wake up and be tired for school the next day. So, he checked on her whenever he heard Dylan give an extra loud squawk of protest at being made to live in the outside world. She never woke up, though Andrew still worried. 

Neil was used to him getting up and down to check by Friday night, but he usually made it back to bed pretty quickly. Tonight, Neil had fallen asleep before Andrew was back beside him in bed. At some point, he awoke again to cold sheets and sat up with furrowed brows at the absence. Putting his feet on the floor, he listened to the house, head tilted until he heard a quiet shushing. Getting up, Neil followed it to the stairs, then made his way down on quiet feet. Nearing the middle of the flight, he could see Andrew just under the edge of the second floor and past the arch of the living room. Slowly, Neil lowered himself to the step and peered through the railing to see Andrew and the small bundle he held. 

Baby Dylan was quietly fussing - not quite crying, but she was making the kind of small grunting noises that Neil imagined only the newest of babies could really make. Andrew sat in a recliner, rocking slowly with Dylan’s face against his chest and her tiny body curled underneath her. His cheek was pressed against her head and his eyes were closed. Neil didn’t know if it was because Andrew was tired or if he was simply basking in the moment. 

“Shhhh,” he hushed, patting and rubbing Dylan’s back softly. “It’s okay... You’re safe here. It’s okay...”

Neil sucked in a breath. This was so surreal. Partly because it was seeing Andrew like _ this. _ Andrew, who was hard and sharp tongued and so _ fucking _ intense. He’d of course known that Andrew could be soft, because he was soft with Neil when he wanted to be - when they were together alone and the only two people in the entire fucking world. Andrew’s hands could be so gentle when they weren’t hard and rushed with a shared urgency. 

But this? This was so very different. 

This was Andrew cradling something in his hands and holding a baby, yes, but this was also holding a _ life _. He was telling her she was safe because he never was. Not until Bee took him in. 

He imagined Andrew that tiny and wondered if anyone had ever held him like that, or if he’d been neglected from the very beginning. 

_ It’s not okay. _

The thought hurt Neil to his fucking core. For his entire life, Neil had been surrounded by death, torture, and destruction. However, he’d always known his mother loved him and despite her methods, tried to keep him safe. 

Andrew couldn’t say the same and - 

Neil started at the sound of someone sitting on the stair above him. 

“Did he get her to sleep?” Aaron whispered, hair just as tousled as Andrew’s got, but only at the top. The sides were shorn short. 

Neil shook his head and shifted when Aaron bent into his space to peer into the living room to see Andrew still rocking her gently. 

They were both quiet then, listening to the soft sounds of the recliner going back and forth, and Dylan’s quick breathing. 

“He’s good with kids,” Neil murmured. 

“It’s because he knows how fragile they are,” Aaron responded in turn. “So,” He directed his attention to Neil. “Are you still going to lie to me about you being together?”

Neil turned quickly at the change in subject, a brow raised and chin pulling back. 

“I didn’t lie to you. We weren’t anything official then. We were... new. It was new.”

“Hmmmm,” Aaron hummed. “And now?”

Honestly? Neil wanted to tell him that it was none of his fucking business what he and Andrew were. In fact, he didn’t know why it even mattered. Why was Aaron so fucking interested?

So he asked, “Now what? Why does it matter?”

A scowl crossed Aaron’s lips. “Because he’s my brother, asshole,” he said like it was obvious. <strike>_I suppose it is._</strike> “We’ve both been through a lot of shit and my daughter loves him like a second father. So if you’re lying about your ridiculous backstory or your intentions with Andrew or _whatever_, I’ll make sure he knows it. I’ll make sure you’re gone.”

Neil’s scoff couldn’t be held back, but thankfully, the incredulous laugh was. 

_ Is this guy fuckin’ serious? My intentions? The fuck does that even mean? Make sure I’m gone? _

Neil could make Aaron disappear so effectively, that no one would ever find him. He must not know all of Neil’s _ ridiculous _backstory. 

“So much faith in your brother’s profession, I see.” As if Neil could even get _ away _ with lying about his life with how thoroughly Andrew investigated him. Neil rolled his eyes and decided to... dig a bit. “What’s your real problem Aaron? Is it because I’m a guy? Do you have a problem with Andrew being gay or something?” He knew he didn’t. He just wanted to piss him off a little more because, well. Neil really was an asshole sometimes. He wasn’t proud of it. He also didn’t care enough to do anything about it. 

“Do I - shut your fucking mouth, Josten,” Aaron squinted at him. “I’ve known my brother was gay since we were in high school and I couldn’t give a shit about who he wants to fuck. What I do give a shit about, is who he moves into his fucking apartment after _ zero _ time together - _ especially _ after never having a real goddamned relationship. I don’t understand it. Why _ you _ ? What makes you so special? A runaway _ and _ a liar?”

Neil shrugged. “Maybe I’m great in the sack,” he whispered back. “Did you ever think of that? Maybe I blow your brother’s mind in bed.” Okay, that was too far, Neil knew. But he didn’t care. His filter was little to none and he didn’t like his relationship with Andrew to be questioned because... _ because - _

_ Anyway. _

“Has anyone ever told you that you have a smart mouth?”

“I’ve been told I have a bit of an attitude problem, yes.”

Aaron rolled his eyes, stood, then gestured with his head for Neil to follow after a glance in the general direction of Andrew and Dylan. Neil got the message loud and clear and **un**fortunately agreed. Standing, he followed Aaron further into the second floor hallway, both wearing pajama pants that pooled on the floor and tshirts that were a size too big. 

Aaron stopped in the middle of the hall and Neil stopped in front of him, crossing his arms over his chest. Aaron started to open his mouth, but Neil felt something bubble in his chest and climb up his throat, so he cut him off. 

“Listen,” he said quickly, though quietly. “I know you’re worried about your brother. Fine. I get it. You can say it’s for Bella’s sake all you want, if that helps you sleep at night. Whatever,” he shrugged. “But I’m not dicking him around. This thing between us? It was never going to be casual. It was never going to be _ simple _ . But, it’s _ real _ . It’s not something either of us are strong enough to fight, so we’re not.” Neil kept going, not letting Aaron interrupt. “Yeah, I moved in with him quickly. It was partly because of a lack of options, but mostly? It was because we wanted to be close to each other. It is what it is, Aaron.” He dropped his arms from being crossed over his chest and let them hang. “I’m here. And I’m in his life where I _ belong _ and I’m not fucking going anywhere until he orders me away. If you have a problem with that,” he shrugged again and breathed what could be a laugh, “I don’t know what to fucking tell you.”

Aaron just studied him for a minute, looking him in the eye as if he could determine how sincere Neil was just by looking. Neil supposed he must’ve found whatever it was he was looking for, because he just said, “Okay. Fine.” Then pointed a finger in Neil’s face. “_ But _ , if you fuck this up and he’s-” Aaron cut himself off for a moment, then continued. “if it affects _ him _ and _ Bella _, we’re going to have a problem.”

Neil was the one to roll his eyes this time. “Sure. Whatever you say.”

Aaron turned towards his and Katelyn’s room with little more than, “Tell him to bring her in when he wants. Kate’s dead to the world, but I’ll still be up.”

Neil nodded. 

Aaron disappeared into his room and Neil made his way back down the stairs, this time all the way to Andrew. He was still rocking Dylan, cheek pressed against the top of her head and eyes closed. Neil came up next to him quietly and touched his shoulder softly. 

“Go back to bed, Neil,” Andrew whispered and Neil smiled, only because Andrew knowing it was him with his eyes closed meant _ something _. 

“Aaron told me to tell you to bring her back to their room when you’re done rocking her.”

Andrew nodded, but opened his eyes to look down at Dylan’s face, only to find her eyes shut tight, mouth hanging open, and breaths even. Carefully, Andrew stood and made his way up the stairs, Neil at his heels. 

Knocking softly on Aaron’s door, Andrew entered and Neil made his way back to the nursery/guest room. He slipped back into bed and under the covers, waiting for Andrew to come back. When he did, he sunk in right beside Neil a few minutes later. Facing each other in bed, Neil’s feet found Andrew’s with a small smile on his lips. 

“You love babies,” he said, quietly. Speaking it aloud made Neil’s chest warm and he didn’t know why. 

“Not really,” Andrew murmured in their shared space. “I’m just fond of the ones I share DNA with.”

“And yet, you’re determined to single handedly save every mistreated child you possibly can,” Neil pointed out. 

Andrew was quiet for a moment, thinking over his answer. “I guess...” he started, voice low. “I guess it’s because I know what it’s like. Don’t you feel like that...? I have a freakish memory and I remember every fucking thing that’s happened to me since the age of three. I can’t forget it... I can’t suppress it. So, the feeling of fear and helplessness and self-blame is something I can recall so fucking clearly.” Andrew’s eyes were focused on the sheets between them. “No one should have to feel those things, but kids? Kids are _ supposed _ to be protected. It took me too long to realize that. No one ever protected me until Bee.”

Neil figured being around Bella and Dylan had made Andrew more open at the moment. He’d shared a lot with Neil, but he usually censored himself more than this - even with him. Neil wanted to say something, but he kept the thoughts to himself and instead murmured, “Aaron is worried about you. He gave me the shovel talk while you had the baby.”

That worked. 

Andrew looked at Neil, incredulous. “You’re lying.”

“I’m definitely not,” Neil laughed quietly, still trying to keep his voice down as he scooted closer to Andrew. “He tried to act like he was worried about me somehow affecting your relationship with the kids. But really, I think it’s just because he doesn’t like me very much.”

“Does that bother you?”

_ I don’t know? _

Neil shrugged, “I don’t like him very much, either.” 

Andrew nodded against his pillow and and settled deeper into the bed. “Yeah, that seems right. Why don’t you like kids?”

His own tactic turned on him. The change in topic threw him for a moment, so he had to take a second to think. He’d never really been around kids and he didn’t feel like he’d ever had the chance to be a kid himself. Was there a time he was as small as Dylan and his father _ didn’t _ abuse him...? He didn’t know. 

“It’s not that I don’t like them,” Neil started slowly, trying to sort through his own thoughts. “I just remember the abuse and being forgotten by everyone... I can’t connect with them, I don’t think? I don’t know,” he shrugged the shoulder not against the bed. “If I can prevent that from happening to another kid _ now _ , I will. And really, Bella’s the coolest fucking kid. I just don’t know what to _ do _ with them. I’m afraid I’ll ruin them somehow.”

Andrew hummed in understanding, because of course he understood. It was probably one of the reasons why they _ connected _ so quickly. “I’m more hopeful that they’ll rub off on _ me _ , more than I’m concerned about rubbing off on _ them _.”

Neil finally reached out a hand and Andrew’s met him halfway. “You’re a good Uncle.”

“You’re not so bad with Bella,” Andrew said. “I mean, I’ll always be the favorite, but I’d trust you to keep her alive.”

Neil snorted. “You think too much of me.”

Andrew pulled his hand until Neil shifted to the other side of the bed. He laid his head on Andrew’s chest, closed his eyes, and listened to the comforting _ beat beat beat _ of Andrew’s heart. It reminded him that Andrew was here, and real, and safe, and that they had so many _ chances _ stretched before them. 

_ Who would’ve thought? _

“Go to sleep.”

So, Neil did. 

* * *

Saturday morning, Andrew was getting Bella breakfast while Aaron and Katelyn slept. Dylan was still sleeping after Andrew heard her cry several more times last night, so when Aaron came to check on Bella that morning, Andrew told him to go back to bed. He’d nodded, turned, and Andrew thought he probably wouldn’t remember any of that when he woke up. Neil was sleeping, too, after going for a run around Aaron’s neighborhood _ despite _ being woken up by the baby and immediately regretted it by the time he got back. 

Andrew sat next to Bella at the table and cut her pancakes for her. He was halfway through a stack that he knew was probably way too big for her, listening to her chatter idly about school and friends and the new baby. 

“I yove Dy-yan,” Bella stuck a finger in her syrup and licked it off. 

“Yeah?” Andrew said, still cutting with a smile plastered on his lips. _ Fucking Dy-yan. _“Well, I’m glad. She’s lucky to have you for a big sister.”

“Yeah,” Bella said, mouth full, kicking her legs, and stabbing another pancake as she continued quite matter-of-factly, “I yove her ‘cause she my sistor. Do you yove Daddy ‘cause he your brothor?”

Andrew stopped cutting for half a second, before he resumed and finished up. Bella was still looking at him, waiting for an answer. 

“Did you hear me, Unkie?”

“Yes, Bells,” Andrew sighed. The easy thing to do would just say yes, he _ did _ love Aaron because he was his brother. But, was that really true? Andrew was a firm believer that family didn’t automatically deserve undying devotion. Sometimes, family was toxic. Sometimes, family gave you away. Sometimes, family _ hurt _ you and -

He never told Aaron he loved him. He’d never told _ anyone _ he loved them. Not because he _ didn’t _, he could admit. But he guessed because sometimes, it seemed a little hollow. Actions always meant more to him. Anyone could just say words. That’s what he told himself anyway. A tiny part of his brain tried to push forward, tried to tell him that he was afraid if he ever uttered those words, he wouldn’t hear them back. So, he pushed it away as useless. 

“Can I give you a hug?” he asked. Bella nodded automatically, shoving another fork full into her mouth right before he wrapped an arm around her shoulders and squeezed her close. He pressed a kiss on the top of her head. 

“I love your Daddy because he’s a good person,” Andrew said, and left it at that. 

-

Andrew made the most of his day with Bella. They visited a pumpkin patch, got her halloween costume, and let her eat as much junk food as she wanted. Which, surprisingly, wasn’t much. He supposed having two doctors as parents made her say things like _ ‘How much sugar is in cotton candy?’ _ to which Andrew had replied, _ ‘All of it.’ _

Neil tagged along and Bella was positively smitten with him. Neil didn’t know how to take that, but Andrew could tell he was pleased. By the end of the day, the two had created a secret handshake and Bella asked if she could call him Unkie Neil. Neil said he didn’t mind, but she’d have to make sure it was okay with her parents. 

Aaron scowled minimally, and Katelynn laughed and told Bella if that’s what she wanted to call him, it was fine with her. 

When Unkie Neil went to bed early, Andrew sat outside on the back porch, scrolling through his phone and drinking a cup of coffee that he was sure he’d regret in a few hours. The sliding glass door opened and Andrew turned to see Aaron come out with his own cup. Lowering himself to the chair beside Andrew’s, the two of them looked over the tiny square of a backyard. 

“So... Neil, huh?”

Andrew put his phone down and rather than sigh or get defensive, he turned to look at his brother and say, “Yeah, I suppose.”

Aaron raised a brow, still looking at the yard. “That sounds promising.”

“He told me you laid into him. I wonder why that is, when you barely know him?” Not that Andrew was particularly upset... or that he didn’t do exactly the same when Katelyn came into the picture. Worse, really - _ Anyway. _ Aaron just didn’t understand it, or them. 

“That’s why. Do _ you _ know him? You’ve been together for like two fucking seconds and you’re fine with Bella calling him Uncle? Did you think about how hurt she’ll be if you two break up and she never sees him again?”

<strike> _Fuck_ . </strike>

Andrew turned away. He didn’t know how to respond for once. He wanted to say, _ ‘We’re not going to break up’ _ but that sounded idiotic, dramatic - like he was planning a fucking wedding or something. Instead, he sighed heavily, because in the end, it was a valid concern for a father to have. 

“I wouldn’t have brought him here and I wouldn’t have let him even meet Bella if I didn’t trust him with my life,” Andrew started, slowly. “If I didn’t think he’d be around in the future, do you really think I’d do that to her? Because honestly, fuck you if that’s the case. She will _ always _ be my priority.”

Aaron set his cup down on the small table between them and turned in his seat to finally look at his brother. Andrew did the same. They sat facing each other, not saying a thing for a drawn out moment. They’d done this since the first time they met when Andrew was in juvie. Back then, it weirded him out - sitting silently face to face and somehow still able to communicate. Right now, Aaron was saying he knew that. He knew Andrew would never hurt Bella. 

“It just seems fast,” Aaron finally said, shaking his head and shoulders deflating some. “Andrew, you’ve never had a real relationship, that I know of. Roland was the closest you’ve ever come and you didn’t even talk outside of Eden’s.”

“Roland wasn’t a relationship.”

“I _ know _. That’s what I mean. Do you really know everything about this guy?” he asked, gesturing inside blindly. “I mean, he’s the son of a murdering crime lord for fucks sake. What if he’s unhinged? Just like his father and he just hasn’t grown into it yet?”

Andrew probably should’ve been mad, but instead, he laughed. “Grown into it? Come off it, Aaron. What’s really bothering you?”

Aaron held his gaze for a moment, lips pressing together to form a thin line. Eventually, he finally asked quietly, “What if he leaves? Andrew, I’ve never seen you like this... I’m worried it'll ruin you and all the progress you’ve made over the years. Bee can put you back together only so many times.”

<strike> _‘What are you going to do when I’m gone?’_ </strike>

_ No. _

Andrew blocked the voice inside his head and instead, in the face of such a serious and uncomfortable conversation, defaulted to his normal biting comments. It was something he couldn’t help, not at the moment. After being with the kids and having that conversation with Bella about Aaron earlier, it made him feel more ripped open than usual. 

Vulnerable. 

“Why, brother? Are you worried about me? I’m flattered, really.”

Damn him. Aaron wasn’t deterred. “I’m serious, Andrew. Did you even think about that before you moved him into your apartment and got him a job where you work...?”

Andrew wished very much that he had a cigarette. He rubbed his right pointer and thumb together, imagining the roll between them. As it was, he let the sarcastic smile fall from his face and rubbed his forehead with one hand. 

“Aaron, this isn’t me thinking with my dick,” he eventually bit out. Grinding his teeth together, he forced his jaw to loosen and continued, “The fact that I never do this should tell you how serious I am. I don’t let people in my bubble - I don’t let them meet my family. But, Neil isn’t _ people _ . He knows the shit I’ve done and he doesn’t care. He’s got his own load of baggage and because of that, I don’t think there’s another person alive that would get it like he does, and _ deal _ with me and all the bullshit I bring to the table.” He inhaled a deep breath. “This is something I never thought would happen. I’m just... I don’t know what I’m fucking doing here, okay? But I’m letting it happen. He’s... my partner -”

Andrew stopped himself and turned his eyes back out to the yard. “I don’t owe you an explanation. The only reason I’m giving you one is because of Bella and because of Dylan. I don’t want you to think I’d bring someone around I didn’t know I could trust.”

Aaron picked his cup back up and took a slow sip of his coffee. “Okay.” He eventually said. “Just... I guess, just let me know if you need anything.”

Andrew wouldn’t. Aaron knew that. “Okay.”

Aaron then stood. “I heard what you said to Bella earlier. About... That I’m a good person.”

‘_ I love your Daddy because he’s a good person. _’

Andrew just shrugged. He wasn’t going to discuss this. Tonight had been too much sharing and emotion and he felt like he was going to jump out of his fucking skin. 

Aaron turned to make his way back into the house, but stopped beside Andrew’s chair. He placed a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it briefly. 

“You’re a good person, too.”

Then he was gone and Andrew decided he needed a walk. 

* * *

Sunday morning, Neil was packing the last of their things. They were flying home today and while Neil would be glad to get back to their bed and cats, he knew Andrew wished they could stay longer. But, Katelyn’s parents were due next week and besides, they had to get back to researching the case for Season 2. 

He shoved the toiletry bag they shared into his suitcase, and brought their things downstairs. Andrew was with Katelyn and Bella in the living room, holding Dylan and watching Bella attempt to do a somersault on the living room floor. 

“You try, Unkie!”

“Uncle Andrew is too old and grumpy to do a proper somersault,” Neil said from the stairs. He set their bags by the door and made to sit beside Andrew. 

“He’s not grumpy,” Bella said, slightly out of breath and fairly matter of factly. “He just yikes the color bwack, Unkie Neil. That’s okay. I yike yewwow.”

Neil nodded in understanding. “I like yellow, too. Though, I’ve been told it doesn’t work with my coloring.” Allison. Who else? Yellows and oranges and reds were _ apparently _ big no-no’s for Neil. He didn’t know why but he assumed she knew best. 

Bella wasn’t interested. “Mommy, can I hold Dy-yan?”

“In a bit, babe. Uncle Andrew has to leave soon, so let’s give him more time.”

Bella climbed up the couch and sat on the other side of Andrew to lay her head on his arm. Her identically hazel eyes looked up to him, big and laden with brown lashes as she pouted and said, “I don’t want you to go. Stay here...” She wrapped her arms around Andrew’s and squeezed. Neil knew this must be killing him. 

“I don’t want to go either, but I have work. I’ll see you so soon though. I promise. At Thanksgiving, right?” He looked up at Katelyn to confirm and she nodded. He looked down and stage whispered in Bella’s ear, “I still have the bouncy castle at Mama Bee’s. I’ll make sure it’s ready for you, okay?” Bella gave an excited shout, which startled Dylan. Katelyn took her when she started to cry and Andrew stood to give Bella a proper goodbye. 

Katelyn turned to Neil. 

“Thank you for coming and helping. Honestly, Aaron and I would be _ losing _ it right now, if you guys hadn’t helped so much with Bella.”

Neil just nodded because he didn’t really know what to say and instead looked down at Dylan. Her eyes were open, tears gone, and she stared at Neil with a furrowed, pale brow. He knew she couldn’t _ really _ see him with those newborn eyes, but he smiled at her anyway. 

“Do you want to hold her before you go?”

Neil looked up at Katelyn. He’d avoided holding the baby this entire time. 

_ What if I drop her? What if she starts crying? _

“Just do it,” Andrew said, appearing at his side. “It’s best to face your fears head on.” It was only a bit mocking. 

Neil rolled his eyes, glared at him, then held out his arms. Katelyn smirked good naturedly and handed the little one over. He was surprised at how heavy she felt. Waving her arm up in his general direction, Neil ran a finger over her little fist. Dylan grabbed it and held on. He _ did not _ smile. 

“See? She likes you,” Katelyn said, quietly. 

Okay, he did. The smile felt good and he shrugged a shoulder. “She’s pretty cool, too.”

He looked back up at Andrew who was studying him intently. “What?”

Andrew turned away, “Nothing. Come on, our Uber is here.”

He handed the baby back and they said their goodbyes. Aaron showed up at the last minute, and he and Andrew nodded at each other with a promise from Aaron to call with Thanksgiving specifics. 

Saying goodbye to Bella of course took the longest. She clung to Andrew, but didn’t cry this time. He promised he’d see her soon, promised he’d send her a present, promised he’d facetime her as soon as he got back into town, and only with those stipulations did she let go because _ ‘Unkie Andwuw always keeps his promises.’ _

When they were at the airport waiting to board their flight, Neil could tell he was bothered. He hated leaving. 

Which prompted him to ask, “Have you ever thought of moving to Chicago?” Bumping his shoulder into Andrew’s. It seemed like an obvious choice to him as someone who’d never laid down roots anywhere long enough to really care _ where _ he lived. 

“I think about it every time I talk to Bella,” he replied. “But, South Carolina is home, for now. I can’t do what I do anywhere else but TFN. And besides, Bee is there. You’re there.”

_ But, _

“I would move with you, you know.” That should’ve been obvious, he thought.

“I know you would. But I wouldn’t ask that of you. Not yet, anyway.”

Neil took Andrew’s hand and kissed his knuckles briefly. He thought back to when he’d first moved in - how it was home, when it never had been before. How there were pictures and cats and Watership Down. 

“You want to run,” Neil said, catching Andrew’s eyes. “I’ll run with you.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS A FEEL GOOD CHAPTER. IT MADE US REALLY REALLY HAPPY TO DREAM UP. JENI DID A FUCKING AMAZING JOB AND REWRITING IT MADE MY HEART ALL WARM AND FUZZY AND FUCK GUYS. WE LOVE THIS ONE! We hope you love it as much as we did and that yall are excited for Season 2! It's comin!!!!!
> 
> As said earlier, you can find the [Season 2 Theme snippet here](https://redrabbitspod.tumblr.com/post/188414743045/its-been-too-long-since-an-update-seth-showed-me)  
And check out our new [Tumblr](https://redrabbitspod.tumblr.com/)!  
Oh! We also posted an Interview that was briefly mentioned in Ch 1 of BTP. You can find it [here](https://redrabbitspod.tumblr.com/post/188665921945/heres-an-interview-we-did-about-season-2-well)! (As well as a really cute picture of the boys ^^)


	5. Columbia, SC - M - Matt/Dan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> __   
Matt takes Dan on their first date   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Sorry for posting so late! We wanted to get something out today. There was no way we were going to be able to get out chapter 2, so instead we thought we'd post this instead. Honestly, Jeni has had this written for MONTHS. But we kept it on the backburner and I just never got around to rewriting so HERE IT IS! We hope you like it and we are aiming to have ch 2 up for christmas :) :) :) :) :)
> 
> CW:  
Talk about Matt's history with addiction and very brief mentioning of his abuse stated in the EC  
But really, just some wholesome Dan and Matt content and how they came to be <3
> 
> We posted this as an article, so go check that out and their couple portrait ^^  
[Article and Portrait](https://redrabbitspod.tumblr.com/)
> 
> *** This one shot takes place during Audio Notes #6 of Season 1, and the beginning of Season 2

If there was one defining characteristic of Matthew Boyd, one thing all his friends and family would agree on, it was that he was exceedingly optimistic. 

He knew this about himself. 

He knew it confused people sometimes. 

He knew Neil especially had never understood how he could trust so easily - but that was okay. 

Because he had his reasons. 

To be completely honest, he was just happy to be alive. 

After being ruled by the whims of his addiction and weathering the advantages others took of him because of it - including but not limited to sex with a very, very high teenager - he couldn’t image not being happy... Not being grateful that he was still fucking here. Still living and breathing, and leading a life that he’d created for himself through hard work and pushing himself harder than anyone he’d previously surrounded himself with. 

And now?

Now he was on his way to pick up  _ Dan Wilds _ for a date. 

_ Danielle. Wilds.  _

He couldn’t believe it either and after scouring the internet for hours, he found the perfect place to take her. Not one of the big, fancy restaurants that peppered the streets of Columbia - no. Dan didn’t strike him as a woman who would be impressed by money being thrown around for food. 

Instead, Caribbean Crossroads was one of those restaurants that remained in his periphery as he searched, but when he took a closer look, it brought an immediate smile to his face. The pictures showed a small, but intimate restaurant with low lighting. They even had a small dance floor and played live music every other night. Matt tapped his computer screen in satisfaction like he was in some cheesy romance flick and murmured to himself,  _ “This is the one _ ”. 

Saving money meant that he had to make up in other ways. He spent a ridiculous amount of time getting ready - primping and shaving and arranging his locs just so.  _ Aftershave or no? Would she hate the smell or love it? _ So many fucking questions and 

He’d never been this nervous for a date in his life. 

He’d rented a car just so he could pick her up because in the slew of possible scenarios that plagued him up until that day, all he could imagine was being interrupted by the awkwardness of having an Uber driver in the front seat. Originally he was going to get something standard, but being Matt Boyd had some perks and as he walked out Avis’s doors, he was greeted by a sleek shiny black little number. 

It wasn’t his pick up, but he thought he could manage. 

By the time he got to her apartment, his palms were sweaty but his hands were thankfully steady. A good sign. 

He knocked on her door and tried not to bounce with nerves as he glanced down at himself one more time and smoothed the invisible creases in his shirt. When he took a deep breath, the door opened and he let it out in a long puff of air. 

_ God she’s gorgeous. _

_ She. Danielle Wilds.  _ ** _Dan_ ** _ .  _

She raised one elegantly arched brow and he almost forgot the bouquet of flowers hanging pathetically in his hand. Before he said something stupid, he held them out. 

“For you,” he said, breathless. “I wasn’t sure what kind you liked-”

“They’re beautiful,” Dan thankfully cut him off. “Let me put them in some water before we go. You can come in for a second.”

She turned back into her apartment and it took an inhuman amount of effort to tear his eyes away from her and step inside. He looked around a little, not wanting her to think he was judging her decor, but also not wanting her to think he was staring at her ass or something. The space was small, but it was nice. Hardwood floors and walls a deep tan, art was hung in all earth tones, rich and deep. Everything was neat and in its place, but it had a very lived in feel to it. It was a  _ home _ . 

From his spot, he could look directly into the kitchen and he watched as long fingers carefully arranged the flowers in a vase. Red tipped nails shone in the warm lights and Matt pressed his lips together to hide a small smile. Dan moved the flowers around just so, then set them in the center of the counter and admired them for a second before turning back to him. 

“So, Matthew Boyd. Where are you whisking me away to tonight?”

He felt his smile grow even wider and it couldn’t be helped. “Ah, you’ll see. Do you have a bag packed? It’ll probably be tomorrow before we get back from our destination -”

She tucked her chin and immediately opened her mouth to argue, but

“I’m joking. But really, you’ll see. It’s not far from here and I think you’ll like it.”

Dan rolled her eyes and pursed her dark red painted lips. She scrutinized him for a second and then another. He thought he should probably be intimidated  <strike>and he was</strike> but she was just so -

_ Beautiful... _

Before Matt could say anything more incriminating, Dan nodded. “Fine. I have an early day tomorrow and I don’t want to be out too late.” She grabbed her keys and headed to the front door and Matt tried,  <strike>he _really_ tried</strike> , not to notice the sway of her hips in her pencil skirt and the color of her dark skin against the deep green crop top that hugged her waist - the air of complete confidence and independence she wore so easily like a second skin. 

Opening the car door for her, he took another deep breath as he made his way around to his side. 

_ You’ve got this Boyd. _

Once he was buckled in and the car started up, he gripped the wheel for strength and looked to her. “Ready?” 

She looked over to him, arms crossed over her stomach. “Just waiting on you, Boyd.”

_ Right. Obviously. I’m driving... _

He just nodded and pulled out of the complex. Thankfully, he’d memorized the directions (spent a half hour doing so).

“Tell me,” she said once they were en route, “How does starting backliner for the New York Lynxes, Matt Boyd, end up with missing person Nathaniel Wesninski living in his apartment?”

Matt laughed and relaxed just a bit. “I hit him with a truck.”

“Excuse me?” Matt just kept grinning. It sounded so bad when said aloud. 

“Okay yeah, that sounds bad out loud. But he was running across the street in fucking Midtown Manhattan, looking at his phone like an idiot, and I didn’t see him. Thankfully it was typical traffic, so I was going at a crawl at the very best.” Matt shrugged a shoulder and glanced at her from the corner of his eye. “He refused to go to the hospital.” She raised her brows, then tilted her head side to side as if to say  _ ‘yeah, sounds like Neil.’ _ “So, I convinced him to at least come back to my place so I could make sure he was taken care of.”

Dan scoffed. “He could’ve been insane! Could’ve robbed you blind. Do you usually invite strangers into your home?”

Matt shrugged this time and his smile only grew. “Nah. And I guess he could've but he didn’t. He turned out to be a really good dude - a really good friend. I just wanted to help him get back on his feet. I guess Minyard’s takin’ care of the rest.”

Dan sighed dramatically, ending in a hum and when they pulled into the restaurant, she laughed. 

It was the best sound he’d ever heard. 

“Who told you?” she asked, her eyes so warm and brown and perfect on him. 

“Told me what?” He unbuckled his seatbelt, but stopped to raise a brow at her and tried his best not to let the warm satisfaction take over. 

“This is my favorite restaurant. I come here all the time. Did you ask Renee or something?”

_ Pat yourself on the back, Boyd. _

He just shook his head. “No, I just scoured google for about two hours until I found this place. It seemed like you, somehow...”

Dan looked to him with narrowed eyes that slowly opened wider - taking him in deeper, he thought. Then, something amazing happened... Something that made Matt’s stomach flip and his heart beat a bit faster and

She smiled. It was the first genuine smile he’d gotten from her and fuck it was  _ everything _ ... With her dark lips and white teeth and bright eyes. Matt thought he might die before this date was over.

He opened the car door for her once he fumbled around with his keys, and led her into Caribbean Crossroads. On the way, he lifted a hand to put it to the small of her back, but stopped at the last moment. 

_ Not yet. She doesn’t know you. No touching unless she initiates. _

Right. Right. He nodded to himself and since the restaurant was seat yourself, there was no hostess. That was no problem because Dan seemed to know exactly where she wanted to go. It was a small table located in the corner of the joint with a single sand-glass lamp hanging above. Paper napkins wrapped around bent silverware and other shit that Matt couldn’t possibly pay attention to as Dan seated herself and the lamp splayed fragments of reds, yellows, greens, and golds about her face. The only thing that snapped him out of making a fool out of himself  <strike> _again_ </strike> was the menu that was placed before him. 

Just for something to do and almost to prove that he could function like a normal human being, he opened it up, studied it for a moment, then closed it. 

“Already choose?” she asked, brow raised and eyes  _ knowing _ . 

“Order for me,” he responded. Dan laced her fingers together and rested her chin on them, tilting her head in question. “You said you come here all the time,” he conceded. “I’ve never been. Order for me. I trust you.”

She smiled again - smaller this time, but no less lovely.

A waitress came around and greeted Dan by name, then eyed Matt with a knowing grin. He smiled and on instinct, held out a hand to introduce himself before turning his attention back to the woman in front of him. She ordered for them both and he didn’t realize until the waitress had walked away that he had no idea what Dan ordered. 

It didn’t matter. 

He put the unused menu back in it’s spot and leaned back in his chair, surveying Dan. She lifted her brows as if to say, ‘ _ yes?’ _

“Tell me something.”

“Like what?”

“Anything. Anything about you.”

Dan mimicked his posture, leaning back in her chair with arms once again folded over her middle.  _ Protective stance _ , Matt thought. She was wary. 

“I used to be a stripper.”

Matt lifted his own brow. To be truthful, he was surprised but only for half a second, before he realized what she was doing. Dan Wilds was taking his measure, seeing how he would react. He’d told Neil this once, but he always assumed he was the worst person in the room - that he’d seen and done more shit than anyone and he had no room to judge people for their choices. So, instead of pulling back, he laced his hands together on the tabletop and leaned forward. 

“Wow...” he murmured. “That must’ve been interesting. Will you tell me more?”

Slowly, she dropped her arms from around her middle and placed her hands calmly in her lap. “I...” Her eyes narrowed for as long as it took for him to notice her motives. The look that flashed across her face was there and then gone, replaced with something fierce but also something... else. “I started when I was 16,” she continued. “It was that or lose the house we were in with no food, no shelter, no clothes. So, I did what I had to do.” Anything wary was gone. She lifted her chin as if daring him to challenge her. 

“Damn...” he murmured, leaning back and shaking his head. Her eyes twitched to narrow again, like she was waiting for him to say something disparaging or some other bullshit men probably gave her throughout the years. “You really are one of the strongest women I’ve ever met,” he said, equally as quiet and  _ something _ in her eyes gleamed. “No,” he said, not wanting her to misunderstand or think he was speaking out of his ass. “I mean it. That’s amazing. What was the experience like? Especially as a young black woman?”

And suddenly, she looked a little surprised. However, before she could respond, the waitress brought their drinks and Dan busied herself with the paper wrapper from her straw, tearing it into little pieces before answering. “It was... the best. And the worst, I suppose. I dealt with a lot of what you would expect,” she gestured vaguely, but Matt nodded knowingly. He didn’t know what kind of club she worked in, but he knew it was probably safe to say she was fetishized for her skin color. “But,” Dan continued, “I made some of the best friends I could ever asked for. We supported each other - built each other up. They’re still my sisters.”

Matt slowly nodded. “So, did you stop when you came to Palmetto? I mean, obviously you could still be dancing now for all I know. You just seem  _ really _ busy.”

A smile cracked at her lips and then shattered into a laugh. It was husky and genuine and Matt wondered if he could make her do it again before the date ended. 

“Would that bother you?” she asked, brow raising again and Matt decided he loved it. “If I was still stripping?”

He was the one to pull back his chin this time and he shook his head. “I don’t own the women I date, Dan. I don’t care what you do, so long as you’re happy and safe.”

She cocked her head. “Are we dating?”

“Are we?”

“I guess we’ll see after tonight.”

_ No pressure, Boyd.  _

By the time their food arrived, they’d dissolved into an easy back and forth, and Matt didn’t know if he’d ever felt this comfortable with another person before. Everything just ebbed and flowed and when the food arrived, he was almost sad for the distraction. 

That was until he took a bite. It was  _ fantastic _ . Jerk chicken and griot and curry cabbage - he’d willingly been to a lot of five stars in his life since becoming a well paid exy player, but he didn’t think he’d had anything as good as this. 

Eventually, as compliments to the chef were enthusiastically exchanged, they rounded back to him. 

“What about you?” Dan asked, cutting a piece of chicken. “I know you used to be an addict.” When he looked up at her, she shrugged a shoulder. “I’ve seen the interviews. Has it been hard staying clean? Or do you just have a really good publicist?”

He laughed hard, swallowing before placing a hand on his stomach. He could feel the corners of his eyes creased. “My publicist would kick my ass if she thought I was using again. No, I’m really clean and once upon a time, it was hard. Really fucking hard. But, I got through it. My mom whipped my ass into shape, got me into rehab, and made sure I was supported. She was the one that convinced me to defer my first year of college so I could concentrate on staying clean instead of leaving town and being tempted. In the end, it all worked out for me. But I know it doesn’t for a lot of people.”

“Your mom sounds like a good woman.”

Matt nodded and hummed, taking another bite of food. Once he swallowed he said, “She is. I love her so fucking much...”

Dan’s smile was gentle and warm. Music had been playing in the background the whole time, people dancing here and there, but no one was on the dancefloor now. However, as a song started to play, he saw that smile turn playful as she perked up. 

“Ah! I love this song!” she said, starting to move her head and shoulders to the music. Matt, of course, recognized it. Brown Skin Girl by Beyonce and you know what? He fucking loved this song too. Setting his napkin on the table, he stood and held a hand out to Dan like a true, cheesy ‘gentleman’. 

_ Brown skin girl _

_ Your skin just like pearls _

_ The best thing in the world _

_ Never trade you for anybody else _

“Dance with me?”

Rather than mock him or roll her eyes, she smiled even more and put her slender hand into his large one. It was so warm and solid and he couldn’t help but give it a squeeze. She squeezed back and let him lead her to the dance floor, which bless him - he had no qualms about dancing in front of others. He put his hands on her hips and she wrapped her arms around his neck and they moved. 

It was dancing, it was swaying - they were a unit and moved to the beat of the song. Matt wanted to pull her in, to hold her close but he didn’t dare. He didn’t want to be presumptu-

Dan molded herself to his body, pressing close so their hips moved as one and

_ Tonight I might fall in love, dependin’ on how you hold me _

_ I’m glad that I’m calmin’ down, can’t let no one come control me _

_ Keep dancin’ and call it love, she fightin’ but fallin’ slowly _

_ If ever you are in doubt, remember what mama told me _

He squeezed her hips tighter, thumb brushing the bare skin between her skirt and her top and Matt felt it then. It was a zing. Electricity. She was  _ everywhere _ . She filled every sense he had that that was it.

_ This was it. _

He’d never been as high as he was right at that moment. 

_ Oh, have you looked in the mirror lately? (Lately) _

_ Wish you could trade eyes with me (‘cause) _

_ Wish you could trade eyes with me (‘cause) _

_ There’s complexities in complexion _

_ But your skin, it glow like diamonds _

They locked eyes. The lights were dim and maybe there were people dancing around them, maybe there weren’t - Matt didn’t know. He didn’t care. All he knew was  _ this _ and he thought he probably wouldn’t need to know anything else as long as he lived. 

_ The men dem gon’ fall in love _

_ With you and all of your glory _

_ Your skin is not only dark, it shines and it tells your story _

_ Keep dancin’, they can’t control you _

_ They watchin’, they all adore you _

_ If you are ever in doubt, remember what mama told you _

As the song came to it’s close, as he knew this moment was going to end, as their eyes stayed locked - dark brown with the most gorgeous swirling caramel he’d ever seen

They kissed. 

It was soft and sweet and as much as he wanted to deepen it, he didn’t. He let her control it and moved his hands from her hips to her back to press closer. It lasted five seconds, five years, and when they parted and locked eyes again, they were startled by applause. 

Matt lifted his head to see the entire restaurant clapping and hollering at them.

_ ‘Yaaaassss! Dan, fuckin’ get ‘em!’ _

_ ‘Don’t fuck this up, King! We’ll fuck you up,’  _ They both laughed at that one and Matt? He completely believed it. He didn’t intend on allowing them to make good on that promise. 

Nonetheless, he knew he was grinning like an idiot and he couldn’t help it. His face hurt, his cheeks were strained and he squeezed her close for a moment before letting go. They went to sit back down, pay the bill, talk to a few of the regulars Dan was friends with or knew, packed up their food, and too soon they were back in the car enroute to Dan’s apartment. 

Once they arrived, he walked her to the door and took her hand as they stood on the stoop. 

“Thank you,” he told her, “For coming out with me. For taking a chance. It was...” He didn’t know what to say - how to describe it.

She smiled. 

“It really was,” she said, eyes twinkling in the light beside the door. He ran a thumb over the back of her hand and  _ I don’t want this to end. _

“Can I kiss you goodnight?” he asked, small grin in place and dipping his chin low to look up at her through his lashes. 

He didn’t make a move as she placed his hand on her hip and stood on tiptoes to give him a short, chaste kiss. 

It was perfect. 

“I’ll call you tomorrow,” he murmured. “Plan a second date?”

She nodded and lowered back to her heels. “A second date would be good.”

And then she turned. She unlocked the door. She stepped inside and lifted her head up at him as she started to close it again. 

“Goodnight, Matt. Thank you for tonight.”

“Goodnight, Dan. And literally, anytime.” 

Her smile was bright and beautiful and when the door closed all the way, he could still see it in his mind’s eye. 

Somehow, he made it all the way to the car and shut the door before he could absolutely lose it. Once he was locked inside, he squealed like a child - all that pent up adrenaline building up and letting go in elation as he beat his palms on the steering wheel three times. Gripping it on the third, he took a deep breath, rubbed his face, and laughed.

_ Not bad, Boyd. _

**Five Months Later**

Matt woke up slowly. Consciousness came to him in bits and pieces. Snuggling deeper under the blankets, he tried to ignore the cool morning air and despite how much it burned his eyes, willed his body to soak warmth from the sun as it filtered through the window. With a deep breath, he moved a hand to the spot next to him and found it cool and empty. Blinking his eyes open a few times he unfortunately confirmed that it was, in fact, empty. Dan was no longer beside him and for some reason, that always felt like a loss even though she always woke up earlier than him. 

Matt rolled onto his back, pressed his fingers into his eyes, stretched his legs beneath the covers, rubbed a hand over his bare chest, and allowed himself to smile at the memory of the night before. Having the privilege to touch Dan, to worship her and her body and make her feel good, was perhaps the greatest thing he’d ever experienced. He felt like he was fucking flying, every single time. 

Music was coming from somewhere beyond the bedroom. Matt had taken Dan to a new restaurant she’d been wanting to try in Columbia and she’d spent the night. He liked having her here, in his space. She made it feel like more of a home. 

Rolling himself out of bed, he padded out of the bedroom to investigate the source of said music and on his way, the smell of cooking food hit his nose and his stomach rumbled as a smile bloomed on his face. 

Dan wasn’t a breakfast person... She usually picked up a cup of coffee before heading to the network and throwing herself into her work. Which meant  _ she _ was cooking for  _ him _ . 

As he rounded the kitchen, he found her at the stove and the picture of her stole the breath from his lungs. He leaned his shoulder against the doorway to the kitchen and just watched. 

W by Koffee was playing from Dan’s phone on the counter. Matt recognized it because it was one of her favorites. She was in nothing but one of Matt’s t-shirts. It hit her mid thigh and rode up when she reached for a plate in the cabinet, only to reveal the lion she had tattooed on her leg, adorning soft brown skin. Strong and commanding, just like her. She had a silk scarf wrapped about her head and Dan danced her way around the kitchen, spatula waving in hand as she moved her hips to the beat. 

Suddenly, the feeling that swelled from Matt’s belly and up to his chest forced a breath from him and it was all consuming. Suddenly, he was desperate to have her like this forever. Not cooking for him like some housewife, but just _her_. Easy and breezy and beautiful - not fucking cover girl but _Dan_ _Wilds_... Perfect. Even when she was cooking eggs just because she knew Matt would wake up hungry and

“Marry me.”

Dan stopped and turned towards him. “Oh, hey!” She made her way over, smiling  _ that _ smile (the one just for him). “I didn’t hear you come in. Did you say something?”

Matt opened his mouth for a moment and then closed it.  _ Did I just say that out loud _ ? While he was fucking shirtless, in a pair of sweats that were falling off his hips, morning breath and bare feet that needed cocoa butter like. Yesterday. Oh god... She would kill him. She would  _ fucking kill him _ for trying to propose in this kitchen, five months after they’d started dating. 

“No, babe,” he said quickly, his heart in an absolute panic as he wrapped his arms around her neck and pulled her into his chest. His mind ran a mile a minute and he just  _ knew. _ “I didn’t say anything.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, don't forget to stay updated with our social medias [Twitter](https://twitter.com/RedRabbitsPod) and [Tumblr](https://redrabbitspod.tumblr.com/)
> 
> [W by Koffee](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kU0Hm0EoKIw)  
[Brown Skin Girl by Beyoncé](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RXrhqhW2kiU)
> 
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated and we thank you so so much for sticking around! We hope you liked this!!!!!


	6. Palmetto, SC - M - Seth/Dion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _ Pinecone _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _ 'Seth was born and raised in Birmingham, Alabama as the fourth of seven sons. Seth was named after his father, Bryan, but after his father left when he was 8 years old, his mother started calling him by his middle name, Seth.' _  
\- aftg wiki page/Noras extra content  
Triggers:  
Mental, Emotional, Verbal abuse (from Seth's father)  
Hunting, death of animal  
Drug use  
Non-explicit sexual content  
Use of homophobic slurs  
Self-hate  
Tooth-rotting fluff
> 
> Hello everyone! Jeni wrote this amazing oneshot about Seth and Dion. I very much played an editor on this one. She just came up with this and told me one day "So I wrote this thing" and ugh. THIS was born.  
We hope you love it as much as we do. It's amazing. Beyond amazing.
> 
> *** This one shot takes place during Season 2, before Chapter 8

“Close your eyes,” Dion whispered.

Seth did, letting his lids cover Dion's smile from view. 

They were in bed and it was late. After a night of drinking, and dinner, and friends, they’d collapsed in a heap of sheets and blankets and limbs and _ content, _ stripping down to their underwear on the way. 

He felt Dion shift - he kept his eyes closed. 

He felt centered - so centered, he could feel the comforting heat of Dion’s skin brush against his own. 

He felt relaxed - flat on his back with a hand on his chest and the man he _ loves _just beside him. 

_ I’m okay. _

And that wasn’t a lie. Not anymore. 

Dion set something on his stomach, and he quickly put a hand on it before it could slide away. Opening his eyes, he looked down to find a box tied with a green ribbon. Looking over at Dion, he furrowed his brows. 

“What the fuck, D? You can just be buyin’ me shit like this...”

“Shush. Just open it.”

With a little grumble, he pursed his lips and sat up. Dion moved with him, adjusting himself so he could see Seth’s face as he pulled the ribbon slowly until it unfurled. Silky green slipped easily across his legs and to the bed. He opened the box and inside -

“Oh, D...” he whispered, taking a quick breath as he ran a finger over the chain, before lifting it up. 

“Do you like it?”

The metal was cool on his fingers... gold and glinting in the moonlight, a small pinecone pendant swayed in the air. He gathered the chain until the tiny metal edges of the pendant pressed against his palm. 

He squeezed it until it hurt and didn’t even try to swallow the emotion rising in his throat - no. He let himself feel it, and embrace it, and sting the corners of his eyes as he looked up at _ him _ and finally answered. “I love it. I love you.”

* * *

When <strike> _Bryan_ </strike> Seth was small, his daddy took him hunting.

“This is what men do, _ Bryan _. This is what men have always done to provide for their families.”

<strike> _Bryan _ </strike>Seth thought the Piggly Wiggly provided for their family just fine, but he knew better than to say it out loud. 

Nonetheless, he knew he was different from his brothers, he just didn’t understand how - not yet. 

He was eight years old and all they wanted to do was fight and wrestle, and talk about girls and sex. He didn’t want to fight or wrestle, and he most certainly didn’t want to talk about sex. It made him uncomfortable. It _ all _did. 

But his daddy said this - hunting - would help him be a man.

<strike> _Bryan _ </strike>Seth wanted to believe him. He wanted to prove himself. 

_ ‘I can be a man,’ _ he had said to himself in the bathroom mirror that morning. 

He told himself that again, over and over like a mantra in his head. 

_ ‘I can be a man, I can be a man, I can be a man’ _

They walked through the woods until they found a spot to stop. <strike> _Bryan_ </strike> Seth didn’t know what was so special about it. There were trees and grass and lots of mud and dirt - everything looked the same, but he was told to stop, be quiet, and wait. 

So he did. 

And he really tried his best, which is what his mama always wanted him to do. But it was so hard for <strike> _Bryan_ </strike> Seth to stay still. His body needed to _ move _ . He needed to _ wiggle _. Right as he snuck a look at his father and determined maybe he could move his leg up and down, he spoke. 

“Close your eyes,” his father whispered. 

<strike> _Bryan _ </strike>Seth closed his eyes. 

“Do you hear that? Listen, son.”

<strike> _Son_ </strike>

He strained his ears. He couldn’t hear anything but birds and wind and-

_ There! It’s there! _There was something walking through the woods, something coming his way and -

“I hear it!” he whisper-shouted. 

He was doing a very good job so far.

Then, his daddy handed him the gun. 

It was so heavy.

“Remember, like I showed you. Wait until it’s close enough that you can see it’s eyes. Stay very still, _ Bryan _. Like a statue. Line up your sight, and pull the trigger.”

<strike> _Bryan_ </strike> Seth looked up at him. 

_ I can do this _. 

He would show his daddy, his mama, his brothers that he was a man, too. He was brave. 

_ I am brave. _

The deer came into sight. 

“Aim now, _ Bryan _,” his father whispered. 

His heart beat so fast - so, so fast, like when he ran in gym. He was faster than everyone else, and the other boys said it was because he was black and something about Africa he didn’t really understand. 

_I’ve_ _never been to Africa_.

He lined up his sight. He wondered if the deer’s heart was beating fast, too. Would it beat fast when <strike> _Bryan_ </strike> Seth shot it? Or would it just stop. His hands began to shake.

“Steady,” his daddy said. 

_ I’m not steady _. 

Did the deer have a family? Did it have babies? What would happen to them if <strike>_Bryan_</strike> Seth killed it? Would there be a lot of blood? 

_ I don’t like blood _. 

He’d skinned his knee one time and screamed, and screamed, _ and screamed, _wound bleeding until his brother hit him over the head and told him to stop being a baby.

<strike> _I’m not a baby. _ </strike>

_ I’m a man. _

“Do it, _ Bryan _. Do it now.”

“Daddy, I-”

“NOW.”

<strike> _Bryan_ </strike> Seth closed his eyes and squeezed the trigger. The gun kicked back into his shoulder and he landed flat on the ground. He kept his eyes closed. Something blocked out the light and he opened his eyes to see his Daddy grinning down at him. 

“You did it, boy! You got ‘em!”

<strike> _Bryan_ </strike> Seth didn’t feel like a man. He didn’t feel better, or bigger, or anything but _ sad. _

He cried. He couldn’t hold the tears back and as soon as his Daddy repeated himself, _ ‘You got him _ ** _Bryan_ ** _ ! He’s dead!’, _he cried and cried and put his hands over his face. 

But that wouldn’t do. 

His father grabbed his hands and ripped them off his face. <strike> _Bryan _ </strike>Seth looked up to see him scowling down at him. 

“Stop being a pussy and get off the fucking ground.”

His father walked away and <strike> _Bryan_ </strike> Seth closed his eyes. 

He tried to get his bearings - he tried to stand but his legs wouldn’t work. 

Instead, he ran his hands over the grass and mud and sharp pine needles. He felt leaves and sticks, rocks and soft moss until his hand hit a pinecone. 

He grabbed it, wrapped his fingers around it tight, and squeezed until the pain in his hand outweighed the pain in his heart.

* * *

He’d told Dion the story of the deer and the pinecone when they went to visit his second eldest (and favorite) brother, DeAndre. He was the one who had accepted Seth with his tears and his art, and when he finally came out, his attraction to boys. 

They’d walked around the area just outside of Birmingham where Seth had grown up. Rural, wooded, and poor, it brought back too many bad memories. He stopped and stared at the woods, thinking of that deer - the worst of them all. 

“I don’t ever want to meet your father,” Dion had murmured, bumping his shoulder into Seths. “I really hate him.”

“You won’t. I don’t talk to him.” Seth sighed and picked up a dry pinecone at his feet. He wet his lips. “I never went back into the woods after that. I used to love them... running around all day, finding bugs and rocks I liked.”

“And pinecones?”

Seth smiled sadly. “And pinecones. The one in the woods that day... I kept it. In case I needed it again, I guess. It sounds so stupid now, but I hid it in my room and I’d take it out when I was upset. It helped me calm down...”

“What happened to it?” 

Seth shrugged. “I dunno. Maybe my mom found it and thought it was trash... Maybe I got to high school and started doing drugs, and couldn’t remember why I had it in the first place.”

Dion took the pinecone Seth was holding out of his hands. He turned it over and over, before tossing it over his shoulder. 

He stood close to Seth - close but not touching, because this was rural Alabama, and they were already black. 

_ We can’t be gay, too _.

“I can be your pinecone,” Dion said, touching Seth on his chest, just above his heart where no one could see. “If you’ll let me.”

* * *

Dion took the chain from him and crawled forward to lean and secure it around his neck. 

The pendant was small, but heavy - the texture of it’s intricate edges, a soothing comfort. He ran his thumb over it again and again. 

“For when I’m not here,” Dion whispered, using his thumb to wipe the escaped tear from Seth’s face. 

They kissed then. Softly at first, but it quickly deepened. It wasn’t rushed or desperate though - no. It didn’t _ need _ to be. They had each other now. Everything was okay. They had _ time. _

_ We can have forever. _

Seth was okay.

He pushed Dion into the sheets and kissed a trail down his body from his lips - his full lips that Seth liked to _ bite _ down on when the sex was rough and stare at when he laughed. 

He reached the band of Dion’s underwear and looked up. 

“Close your eyes...”

* * *

It was after New York when _ it _ was first brought up.

Dion had reluctantly left for Miami, crying in the airport when Seth hugged him goodbye. 

“I hate this,” he sniffled into Seth’s shoulder. “I hate leaving you.”

_ Me too me too me too... _

_ I hate this so much. _

“Hey,” Seth said, placing his hands on either side of Dion’s face to make him look up at him. He kissed him once. “It’s okay,” he murmured against his lips, then pressed their foreheads together. “It’s fine, it’ll be okay. It’s _ us _. If you’re my pinecone, I’m your pinecone, too.”

Dion laughed through his tears. “Yeah. Okay. I love you.”

Seth kissed him one more time. “I love you, too.”

That night on the phone, Dion said it. 

“I wish I could be there all the time. I want to be with you. _ Really _ be with you.”

Seth sighed. “I know. Me, too.”

“Maybe we could,” Dion said. “Maybe... listen I know it hasn’t been long and I know we’re still new - but I can’t stand being away from you when you’re going through everything with this investigation. I hate listening to you come apart over the phone and not being able to touch you.”

Seth laid down in his bed and squeezed the pinecone around his neck. “I hate it too, baby...” _ baby, love, honey, sweetheart. _ They were _ that _ couple. Seth loved it. He loved _ him. _“I want to be with you, too. I wouldn’t be able to come to Miami until after this season is over though. I can’t leave them hanging in the middle-”

“I’ll come to you!” Dion said quickly. “What if I came there? To Palmetto? To... live.”

Seth sat up. 

His heart was soaring. It was fucking _ singing _ . “Really? You want to move here?” But - <strike>_that’s not fair to him_ </strike>“But... Palmetto is so fucking boring, D. Listen, I’ll come to Miami. We just have to wait.”

“I don’t want you in Miami.”

Seth went quiet, stung. “You don’t... want me?”

“No, no-“ Dion sighed through the phone and Seth could hear him shifting in the background. “Seth, _ babe _ . No. I _ always _ want you. I just mean there’s too much temptation here... I know it’s a good scene for what you do, but the drugs and the parties - I’d worry every time you had a gig.”

_ Oh _

“But what about Alli?”

“I’ve already talked to Alli.”

** _Oh_ **

That surprised Seth. He knew he’d been thinking about how much he hates the distance for months, but he just assumed he was jumping the gun like usual. He never imagined Dion felt the same and 

“What’d she say?”

“She said she wants me to be happy and if that means being in South Carolina with you, then that’s what it means. She can’t leave to be with Renee. I know she wants to, but she has an entire operation in Miami. It’s not so easy for her.”

“But it is for you? D...” he squeezed his pinecone and closed his eyes as he tried to explain how he felt. “I want you here so fucking bad... I would kill to wake up with you every morning, but I don’t want this to be something you end up regretting.”

<strike> _I don’t want you to regret me. _ </strike>

“I could never regret you.”

* * *

“I regret ever having you,” his father had growled in his face. “What the fuck is wrong with you, boy?”

_ Seth _ was fifteen, and he’d brought home another bad report card. 

He _ hated _ school. He couldn’t _ fucking _ do it - he couldn’t concentrate and the teachers were racist assholes. Seth didn’t have one black teacher. They were all old and white and women who doted on the white football players and gave them extra credit and time for assignments. When _ Seth _ asked for more time, they scowled and told him to stop asking for handouts.

His father had hit him across the face when he’d said as much. “You’re not black. You hear me? Don’t you _ ever _ use the color of your skin as an excuse. You’re not a fucking victim, _ Bryan _. Man up and take care of your responsibilities.”

_ Seth _ had rubbed his cheek and didn’t respond. There was no point. His dad was white, ex-military. He didn’t understand being black and he didn’t understand not being able to do what he was ‘supposed’ to. 

_ ‘Man up.’ _

_ ‘Be a man.’ _

_ ‘Don’t be a pussy.’ _

_ ‘Stop crying like a girl, **Bryan**.’ _

_ ‘I regret ever having you.’ _

_ ‘Stop being a pussy and get off the fucking ground.’ _

_ Seth _ tried xanax for the first time that year. 

He liked it. 

A lot. 

He didn’t know if it helped him concentrate more or if he just didn’t give a fuck while he was taking it.

Either way. 

He lost his virginity that year, too.

Her name was Cassie Smith. 

He thought he liked that, too. 

Later, when he was an adult and looked back on it, he knew he shouldn’t have. He didn’t really care about her. But she was a sure thing and he thought he needed that. 

Carter Owens had also smiled at him in the hallway. He was a basketball player, tall and strong. _ Seth _ smiled back and felt _ something _. 

That _ something _ terrified him. 

He’d concluded he just needed to get laid - just needed to give it to a woman ‘_ real good’ _, because that’s what men did. 

So that’s what _ he _ did. 

[ Enter Cassie Smith. ]

He cried after, but he didn’t let her see it.

When he told DeAndre, he’d handed him a handful of condoms and told him not to get anyone pregnant - that mama wouldn’t be able to handle it and _ dad _would probably punch him straight in the face. 

_ But I’m a man now _ , he thought. _ This is what men do. They fuck women ‘real good’. _

He didn’t know why his _ dad _ would care anyway. 

He regretted ever having him.

* * *

“You might,” Seth said into the phone. “Regret me one day.”

“Seth,” Dion said sadly. “Seth, Seth, Seth. Never. Never you, do you hear me?”

When they got off the phone, Seth stood from his bed and opened his closet. He tried to imagine Dion’s clothes next to his - his shoes lined up with Seth’s sneakers. 

“I don’t have any room for him here,” Seth whispered to himself. 

He sat heavily on the bed and stared at his full closet. He wrapped a hand around his pinecone and closed his eyes. He hadn’t told Dion ‘yes’ yet. He _ wanted _ to. 

But he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t scared. 

Because he _ loved _ Dion. He _ loved _ him so _ fucking _ much-

He’d loved Harmen, but this was different... Harmen was toxic - he knew that now. He wanted to take from Seth. _ Take and take and take. _ They’d huddled in that closet together - still living their secret shame and dulling the pain with drugs and sex. 

He loved Harmen for helping him come to terms with his sexuality, and as fucked up as it was, Harmen’s death was why he got clean.

But he still had a wound in his chest from his death... He had wounds from his father, too - his brothers.

He had wounds from the kids at school. 

Dion, though?

Dion was a balm. He was healing Seth’s wounds and Seth didn’t know what to do with that. Who would he be, when he was healed? Would he still be Seth? Would he be someone else? <strike> _Would I be Bryan?_ </strike>

Would Dion end up being one more wound? 

_ I don’t want that _. 

He never wanted that. 

“I’m scared,” he said to the closet. “I’m fuckin terrified.”

The closet didn’t respond. 

<strike> _Obviously_ </strike> ** _. _ **

Seth rubbed his face, laid down and didn’t sleep for a long time.

* * *

Dion came for Valentine’s day. They missed their dinner reservations because of the Riko interview - because the entire team knew Andrew was hurting. 

They didn’t want to leave him there alone. 

Seth was starving - because he was always starving - and everything in Palmetto was closed, because it was Palmetto. 

Restaurants closed at 9, even on Valentine’s day. 

“Come on,” Dion had said. “Let’s have a picnic.”

They drove to the nearest Publix. It didn’t close until 10:30, and they were the only people in the store. Together they prowled the isles with a green shopping basket, laughing bumping into each other and taking random things off the shelves, kissing next to the peanut butter and laughing when Dion accidentally knocked a jar off of the shelf. 

They ended up outside at one of the small picnic tables with an assortment of food - premade subs and pringles and chocolate cake for dessert, raspberry lemonade and bottled sweet tea. They sat in their fancy dinner clothes, ate, and talked. 

“I’m fucked up over Andrew,” Seth said, around a bite of cake and staring at his fork, ultimately deciding that licking the icing off was too inappropriate for this conversation. He dropped it and took a sip of tea. “I’m always over here feeling sorry for how I grew up, but then I hear shit like that...” he shook his head. “No wonder he is like he is, you know? We all gave him shit in college for being so fucking mean, but I can’t blame him now.” <strike> _I was worse, then, anyway. _ </strike>

Dion nodded. “I know. I know. Shit makes so much sense now. Like... all his boundary issues? We’d fool around, but I wasn’t allowed to touch him. It was weird, but I didn’t really think much of it. After a few weeks, I guess he trusted me enough and let me touch certain places but…” Dion shrugged and frowned. “I respected his rules. I just wish I knew why they were there at the time.”

Seth sighed, picking his fork up again and tapped the prongs against the cake container in a small beat, before he gave up. “It’s Valentine’s day. Let’s talk about something else.”

Dion screwed the cap back on his lemonade. “Okay. How about when I’m moving up here?”

_ Fuck _

Seth didn’t respond right away. Instead, he fidgeted even more, crumbling his sandwich wrapper and gathering all the trash - he needed something to do with his hands and 

“Seth,” Dion said quietly. “Seth, baby. Look at me.”

Seth looked. 

He was beautiful... Honestly, Dion was so goddamn beautiful - he was why Seth was drawing again. He had a fucking sketchbook full of just Dion’s mouth - the way his top lip bowed in the middle and how the bottom was fuller than the top... he could spend all day trying to articulate the way the corner sometimes curved when he had a smile that was just for Seth, or the way they parted, teeth showing just beyond when Seth had his mouth on him.

“I want to be here with you.”

_ Me too _

“I want you here with me.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

Seth leaned forward until his forehead was on Dion’s shoulder. “I’m scared.”

“Of what? Little ol’ me?”

“Yes, D. You...” he sighed and turned his head to tuck his face into his neck. It smelled good... like his warm cologne, black African soap, and _ him _. “No one’s ever loved me like you. No one’s ever taken care of me like you. I’m sorry if I sound like a fuckin bitch-”

“No.”

Seth pulled away, looking up with brows furrowed. 

“I know that shit’s leftover from your asshole father and I don’t want to hear it. _ Bryan _ Seth Gordon, you are the best man I have ever known. You know why? _ Because _ you feel things. _ Because _ you make it known. _ Because _ you’re loving and caring and so fucking strong. That’s what makes you a man, Seth. Not how many women you fuck or if you can throw a punch.” Dion poked two fingers into his chest. “This right here. _ This _ is what makes you a man. And you’re _ my _ man.”

-

Later, when Seth was inside Dion, hovering above him and following the beat in his chest, his pinecone hung just over Dion’s heart and he _ knew _ . Pushing in slowly, he wanted this to _ last _. 

This connection - it’d never been like this. 

It’d never been so intense. 

He leaned forward and bit Dion’s ear and whispered, “I want you here with me. I want you here. Always. With me.”

“Because I’m your pinecone?” Dion asked breathlessly, his legs wrapping tighter around Seth’s hips and his hand coming up to cover his heart. 

“Yes. Because you’re my pinecone.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Portrait of Dion found here!](https://redrabbitspod.tumblr.com/post/611447090710724608/pinecone-how-ive-learned-to-heal-meet-dion)  
We hope you loved this BTP as much as we do! It will play a very important part going forward, so keep this in the back of your mind *eyes emoji*
> 
> Kudos and Comments are always appreciated! And also! WELCOME NEW READERS! Thank you all for the love and support and don't forget to give Jeni all the love!!!!
> 
> See you soon for chapter 8... *ANOTHER EYES EMOJI*
> 
> Keep up with us on our socials!!  
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	7. Palmetto, SC - M - Kevin/Brianna

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Background on how Kevin and Brianna came to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Jeni wrote this a few weeks ago and we wanted to post it so fucking bad. It gives a bit of a background on Kevin and Brianna's relationship! Or how we perceive it. I've only just done the rewrite tonight so this is a bit late. But we really hope yall like it!  
Keep in mind, this is actually a bit... edgier than what we've posted? In the sense that our perceived background of Kevin is a bit... saucy. There's very mild sex talk, but its NOTHING explicit. Honestly, the idea of Kevin being explorative really butters our toast and makes us really fucking proud. SO. 
> 
> We love Brianna in this house by the way and we hope yall do too <3
> 
> *** This one shot has no specific date. Can be read whenever. But preferably during season 2!

Kevin was going to break up with Marcus. 

He couldn’t do it anymore. 

He liked Marcus, he really did. He was the kind of guy Kevin had always had a weakness for - athletic and strong, long legs and a nice ass. He wasn’t great in bed, but that was okay. There were more important things and honestly, what he lacked in finesse, he made up in enthusiasm. 

The real problem was that Marcus wanted Kevin to be a kept man, which would’ve been fine - truly. But Marcus wrapped all his negatives in a pretty paper that said  _ ‘protector, caregiver, lover’ _ , hiding underneath  _ ‘possessive, control, jealousy’.  _ He’d had enough of that in his life, thank you very much. 

The straw that broke the camel's back - or as Kevin saw it, Marcus’s real mistake - was letting  _ Brianna _ into their bed. 

Dan had introduced them. They were friends and in an effort to bond with the team, Kevin had gone with the entirety of TFN to a karaoke night.  _ Brianna _ had gotten on stage and sang ‘Respect’ by Aretha Franklin. She was so into it. Moving her hips and swinging her hair, those perfect ringlets bouncing every time she moved. Dan, ever the instigator, leaned over and said in his ear, “She’s a dancer, you know.” 

He didn’t know. But he wanted to. 

Marcus could tell he was into her. It was almost too easy, considering he saw the way Kevin’s eyes lingered on her after that. Kevin was bi and Marcus was pan, and that night, he told Kevin to ask her - that  _ he’d _ be into it, too. ‘ _ Go ahead,’ _ he’d said.  _ ‘See if she’s willing _ ,’ he’d said, and although Kevin couldn’t figure out what his endgame was, he found himself not really caring because his head was full of swaying hips and bouncing hair and  _ Brianna. _

He took her out for drinks the following night and laid it all out for her. 

_ ‘No big deal. No strings. Just a fun night. Two men worshipping you. We’ve both been tested. Are you game? If not, that’s totally cool. I’d still like to get to know you.’ _

She was game. 

It was the best sex Kevin had ever had. 

They didn’t talk about it after - he and Marcus. All Kevin wanted to do was call Brianna again. He wanted to know her more than he’d ever cared to know anyone beyond his family. She was smart, funny, and so fucking quick. 

He didn’t though. Because ever since that night, Marcus had been distant. Snappy. Kevin thought he knew - could tell that Kevin’s attention had been absolutely overtaken by Brianna and -

He was sick of it. Marcus wouldn’t let him out of his sight; following him to work and inviting himself to his dad’s house whenever he went. 

He was fucking  _ over it _ . 

So, he was going to break up with him. 

But Marcus - he knew, somehow. Of fucking course he did. Kevin had come home to Marcus sitting at  _ his _ table. They didn’t live together, but he had a key and he wasn’t afraid to use it. 

“Don’t even say it,” Marcus said, looking at Kevin’s face.

“Say what?”

“Don’t play with me, Kevin. You’ve been distant with me for weeks. You barely talk to me. I have to  _ beg _ you to fuck me. Why are you even doing this? Is it because of  _ her _ ?”

Kevin sighed, walking to his fridge and pulling out a bottle of water before he answered.

“No. It’s because of you.”

For his entire life, Kevin had trouble standing up for himself. It wasn’t so bad now that he’d been in Palmetto with family. But it was sad that after everything he’d been through - the Moriyamas, Riko, Tetsuji, his injury, and leaving the nest - it took until  _ Marcus _ to realize that he had to feel like he was worth something in order to defend himself against others. Kevin had only ever felt like he wasn’t worth as much as his game, but now? It was about time he put his foot down. 

“Me? What have I ever done but love you, Kevin? I just want to take care of you.” Marcus was simpering, looking close to tears and perhaps he would hate himself for it later, but all Kevin wanted to do was roll his eyes. 

“You’re controlling, Marcus,” he laid it out straight, looking down at his bottle of water before inhaling a deep breath and focusing on the man he told himself he loved. “You’re suffocating.”  _ Be honest. _ “I like spending time with you, but I don’t need to be with you every second of the day. You’re so fucking possessive-”

“Excuse me?” Marcus cut him off, gasping. “I am  _ not _ . I let you  _ fuck another person _ Kevin.”

Kevin clenched his jaw and shook his head.  _ No _ . Marcus wasn’t going to fucking use that against him. “You accused me of cheating on you with  _ Andrew _ .  ** _Andrew_ ** , Marcus. We’re practically related! Do you know how fucking gross that is?”

Marcus crossed his arms and deepened his pout. “I saw the way he looked at you.”

“Like he wanted to murder me? Because that’s how he looks at everyone, Marcus. And speaking of Brianna, why  _ did _ you suggest it in the first place?”

“Because I could feel you slipping. I thought maybe if you just got it out of your system then we could move on together. I thought maybe you just missed women. I don’t know. It obviously backfired.”

Kevin ground his teeth and took a sip of water before responding. He didn’t want to be unnecessarily cruel. He’d had enough of that in his lifetime to know how deep it could cut. And no matter what, Kevin didn’t think Marcus deserved that. 

Marcus didn’t feel the same way.

“You know what, Kevin?” he scoffed. “Fine. I’ll go. You want to be with someone else, go ahead. But let me lay this out for you.” Marcus stood with both palms flat on the table. “No one will love you. Not like I do. Whatever happened between you and Riko at Edgar Allen, fucked you up beyond repair. You don’t know how to be a normal person. You’re closer to 30 than 20 Kevin, and you still flinch every time you see Riko’s face. It’s pathetic and so are you.”

He left without another word, slamming the door behind him. Kevin set the bottle down with a shaky hand. 

He didn’t call Brianna after that.

* * *

Andrew had been disappointed when he and Marcus broke up. He’d liked Marcus, because he knew how protective he’d been over Kevin. But he wasn’t around enough to know how it  _ really _ was. Off in New York, Boston, and a lot of other places in between - he couldn’t see what Dan obviously had. That he and Marcus were a ticking time bomb and it was only a matter of time. 

Anyway, Kevin didn’t bother telling him because as hurt as he was, he knew Andrew. He knew that if he told him what had actually happened, Andrew would go after Marcus with a vengeance, because that’s just who Andrew was. He was protective in a different way from Marcus. It wasn’t controlling or possessive, but borne of genuine affection, no matter how hard Andrew tried to hide it. 

And Kevin appreciated it. But all he wanted was to forget Marcus was ever even a thing. 

-

Shortly after the break up, Intervention attempt #1 cornered him in the studio one day. Still stewing in his misery, he thought he was doing a great job of hiding how horrible he felt and how close Marcus’s words had hit. Dan took notice - like she took notice of everyone in that fucking office. 

“Brianna’s been asking about you,” she opened, crossing her arms over her chest and leaning her hip against the counter of the break room. 

“Okay,” Kevin stirred his yogurt, staring into it’s depths instead of looking Dan in the eye. 

“I told her you and Marcus broke up.”

“Okay.”  <strike> _And?_ </strike>

Dan snapped her fingers in front of his face. “Stop pouting about that asshole and call her.”

Kevin stood and tossed his yogurt. He left without responding.

* * *

Intervention attempt #2 happened when Brianna herself cornered him next. Supposedly, she was meeting Dan for lunch, but Kevin knew an ambush when he saw one. 

She walked into his office - all deep curves and brown eyes, caramel skin and full lips, bouncy curls and something that smelled vaguely peachy. She -

She scared the fucking shit out of him as she shut the door behind herself. He was so startled that he’d jumped a little in his chair, then stared at her with wide eyes as she just gave him a knowing smile in return. 

And she... she was almost too much. Tits and hips and thighs, he quickly looked away, remembering how they’d  <strike> _she’d_ </strike> felt in his hands. He knew he was blushing when she sent a small laugh his way. It floated on the peachy air and worked it’s way into his head and by fuck - 

He felt powerless. 

She lowered herself in one of the chairs across from his desk and crossed her legs. 

“I’ll just sit here and let you tell me why you haven’t called, when I know you’ve been single for the past few weeks and Dan told you to. We talk, you know. Us girls.”

Kevin cleared his throat and shuffled some papers unnecessarily on his desk. “Uh…”

“Hmmm,” Brianna said, cocking her head to the side. “Not your best line, Day. You whispered a lot of nice things in my ear that night we were together.”

_ Fuck. _

He cleared his throat again. Why did he keep doing that? There was nothing in his throat. 

“I... Marcus and I just broke up. It wasn’t... pleasant. I don’t know.” He set the papers down in defeat and rubbed his temples with his eyes closed, elbows on his desk. “I do really like you. That night was…”

“It was, wasn’t it?”

God help him, it really fucking was.

“I guess I’m just trying to put myself back together.”

Brianna uncrossed her legs and leaned forward. Teasing eyes and the corner of her lips that had been curled was gone. Her voice was soft and serious as she asked, “Can I help?”

Kevin raised a brow at her. 

She clicked her tongue at him, “Not like that, you ass. I mean just... in general. Let’s go to lunch. You can talk about it all you want and I’ll listen and bash Marcus accordingly.”

“Don’t you have plans with Dan?” 

Brianna waved a hand. “This was an ambush, obviously. It’s fine.”

So, they went to lunch. In a diner near campus, they ate really awful burgers and Brianna threw a french fry at him when his side salad came and it made Kevin laugh. 

It made him feel good. 

He talked about Marcus and the things he’d said without going into too much detail. He didn’t really want her to know how fucked up he was.  <strike>_Not yet at least_. </strike>

She was serious after that, reaching a hand across the table to settle on his. After a sigh, she’d said, “I know we don’t know each other well, and I don’t really know your history besides that you used to play exy for Edgar Allen. But you know he was just trying to hurt you, right...? That’s emotional abuse, Kevin. He wanted you to feel like he was the only one who would love you. He wanted you to feel like you had to stay with him.”

And he knew that, deep down. It was the same thing Riko had done to him since they were kids. Over and over and over and

_ ‘The Nest is your home Kevin.’  _

_ ‘I’m your brother Kevin.’  _

_ ‘I do these things to make you better.’  _

_ ‘No one will love you and look out for you like I do.’  _

_ ‘I’m the only one you can trust.’ _

Maybe that’s why it had hit him so hard when Marcus had said it, too.

They hung out every once in a while after that. It was friendly, nothing more, and Kevin was glad to get to know her that way - without the complications of a relationship. 

He went to see her dance once. She helped out with the dance team at Palmetto, but she also performed with a troupe out of Columbia. She said she mostly did contemporary, but the performance he saw was hip hop. If he weren’t so concerned that she’d break her ankle dancing in those heels, he thought he probably would’ve had to leave the auditorium they were in before it was over. 

She was so fluid in the way she moved. She was quick and fast and sexy because it was hip hop, but he thought that even if she’d been tap dancing, he’d think the same thing. 

At one point, he literally had to bite his fucking knuckle to distract himself. 

But ever the gentleman, he met her backstage after the performance  <strike>and composing himself</strike> with flowers. She looked so... happy. Her smile was big and bright and she was breathless and sweaty and he said, “Will you go to dinner with me?” To which she replied, “Took you long enough.” and pressed a red kiss on his cheek. 

* * *

It was off, Kevin thought, the way this relationship was happening. They’d had sex first, dated second, and now they were in this place where Kevin was basically courting her. But he was afraid to push too hard.

They ended up in his apartment one night after dinner, but they were just talking. Sitting on his couch with drinks in hand, facing each other on opposite ends as they laughed and talked - Brianna had her legs pulled up on the cushion in front of her, and Kevin thought she was maybe the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen. 

They both grew quiet and Brianna cocked her head at him. “What are you thinking about?”

Kevin smiled a little. “How beautiful you are.”

Brianna snorted. “I bet you say that to all the girls.”

“The boys, too.”

She laughed again then and reached out a foot to poke him in the leg. “So, what are we doing here, Kevin Day?”

Kevin swirled his drink around in his glass, studying it. “Talking.”

“That’s not-”

“I know.” Kevin sighed and set his glass on a coaster. “I just... I just feel like there are things you should know about me. Marcus said some things when he left and I know he was just trying to be mean, but he wasn’t wrong.”

“You told me what he said. I think he was wrong.”

“You haven’t known me very long.”

Brianna looked at him for a long moment - taking him in and studying him. Then, she reached over and set her class on the coffee table, before crawling across the couch to him. Lifting up a leg, she straddled his lap and put both hands on his face, rubbing her thumbs over the soft skin just under his eyes. Brianna then leaned forward and kissed the shadow of his old tattoo. 

Peaches and wine and  _ Brianna _ invaded his head, and he closed his eyes - loosened a breath. 

“Kevin Day,” she whispered in his ear, “you deserve to be happy. You are worth loving. You are a good man not despite your past, but because of it.”

Kevin squeezed her thighs and took a shaky breath.

She kissed his lips softly. The barest brush before she was leaning back again. “I haven’t known you very long, but I do know one thing. You are  _ good _ .”

Kevin couldn’t stop himself. A feeling rose inside of him and it built and built  _ and built _ until he felt like his chest was about to explode and - 

He leaned forward, practically dove, and caught Brianna’s mouth with his own. He kissed her hard because he didn’t know how to say what he was feeling. When she kissed him back with the same want and need and  _ feeling _ , he stood in one fluid motion, bringing Brianna with him, and carried her to the bedroom. 

He kicked the door closed behind him, and thought it somehow still sounded like it was opening.

* * *

He told her about the Moriyamas after Andrew had come to his apartment, demanding answers about Raven Academy and Nathaniel Wesninski. 

He’d had nightmares that night because of it. Black and red and  _ red, red, red. _ Blood and bruises, and black and blues. A hand in his hair and a mouth at his ear, ‘ _ You’re nothing without me, brother.’  _

He’d woken up gasping, sweaty and shaking with Brianna over him with wide eyes.

“Kev?”

“Bri, I’m sorry.” He was panting. Sitting up, he swung his legs over the side of the bed. “Go back to sleep, babe. I just need some water.”

“Kevin,” Brianna said exasperated. “Lie the fuck down. You’re not fine. Stay here, I’ll get it for you.”

Kevin did as he was told. He watched as she left the bedroom, miles of legs visible beneath the one of Kevin’s old shirts. She was back a minute later, a glass of cold water in her hand. 

“Here.” She put a hand on his shoulder to help him sit up. He took a long drink and when he was done, she set it aside and pulled his sweaty shirt off him. She then grabbed another from his drawer and helped him into it. 

“Okay?” she asked him quietly and waited for him to nod before she climbed back into bed and sat next to him against the headboard. She pulled him to her and he didn’t hesitate as he laid his head on her chest and closed his eyes, listening to the steady  _ thump, thump, thump _ of her heart.

She ran fingers through his hair. “Do you want to talk about it?”

He sighed. He was exhausted. 

“Kevin... you said Riko’s name. You can talk to me. I’m not going to judge you.”

Kevin sat up again, suddenly wary. She knew the barest details. She knew he grew up in the Nest with Riko, knew Riko was not kind, knew Riko was the reason he no longer played exy.

But she didn’t know the whole story.

“It’s nothing,” he said. 

“It’s okay,” he said.

“Let’s go to bed,” he said. 

“No,” she said.

Kevin looked over at her. “No?”

“It’s not nothing. It’s not okay. I won’t force you to talk about anything, but don’t pretend it’s all fine. Who do you think you’re kidding?”

Kevin looked down at his hands in his lap. “You?”

“Nope. Better luck next time.”

She didn’t force him to talk, and he didn’t offer. Instead, he fell asleep with his head on her shoulder and her fingers running through his hair. 

He didn’t dream again that night. 

-

The next morning, they were eating breakfast at his dining room table. Kevin had an egg white omelette and Brianna had a bowl of Froot Loops (which she’d somehow snuck into his apartment when he wasn’t looking). She shoved a mouthful of the sugary cereal in her mouth, crunching as she chewed and scrolled through her phone. 

He bit back a smile. 

He thought of last night - of her holding him after his nightmare, fingers in his hair and kissing his head, whispering to him that it was okay and that he was  _ good _ .

He thought of the last six months. He had no idea it could be this  _ good _ . His relationship with Thea had been built on competition. He’d been much younger than her when they’d gotten together and at the time, he had no idea what a healthy relationship was supposed to look like. 

With Marcus, their relationship was built on what he could do for Marcus’s ego. In the beginning, he’d liked being doted on, but it was never genuine. Looking back, Kevin had no idea if it was  _ him _ , or the idea of him being dependent on Marcus that kept him around. 

Of course, there were people in between, too. But they were nothing, really - not in the scheme of things. 

But here. Now?

He was  _ here _ now. 

And there  _ Brianna _ was, sitting across from him in his old shirt with her hair a mess and milk on her chin and he thought,  _ You. You, you, you. _

“What are you thinking about?” she asked him.

“You.”

She put her spoon down and smiled. 

“The Moriyamas abused me.”

Her smile faded, but the light he’d come so accustomed seeing in her eyes didn’t. No, that light burned brighter as she reached across the table and he put his hand in hers, tearing his eyes away just long enough to watch as his large hand engulfed her small one. 

And then he talked. He talked and talked and told her everything he could. He told her how sometimes he still felt worthless - how his hand still throbbed when he thought about that day on the court when Riko had taken his stick and made sure he would always be Number One. He told her about the beatings he’d been spared because he was a commodity, but how he had to watch Jean and the other members of the team endure Tetsuji’s heavy cane. 

Then, he told her how he felt like a failure because he’d just given up on Exy - how he felt like he was washed up. 

A has been. 

“I was court. I could’ve gone to the Olympics. I could’ve won gold.”

She let go of his hand and stood, taking the few steps around the table and settled herself in his lap. She laid her head on his shoulder and said, “Tell me about your father. Tell me about Wymack.”

So he did. He told her all of it - all of the crazy, amazing story. Then he told her about how Abby felt like his mom, how he thought his real mother would’ve liked her. He told her about Andrew and Aaron and Nicky, and how they’d formed a family; the threads that had tied them all together when Kevin had found himself in Palmetto. 

He told her about the friends he had now, and how he sometimes still played on court - how he thought he might like to coach someday.

When he felt like he had nothing left to say, when his throat went dry and the words emptied his mind, she lifted her head and smiled at him. “You have an amazing life.”

And he just blinked at her because 

He really did, didn’t he? 

He tipped his head back and laughed. “How did you even do that?” He was smiling, he was happy, he was amazed.

“Witchcraft.” 

He hugged her close and kissed her head. “You’re amazing, you know?”

“Yes, I know.”

“Hey.” He tilted her chin up so he could see her eyes. “I love you.”

She smiled  _ that _ smile and kissed him. It tasted like Froot Loops.

“I love you, too, you amazing man.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eeeee! Comments and Kudos always appreciated. We know this is getting posted a bit late at night, but I took for fucking ever to get this rewritten for no goddamn reason =-=. Anyway. We hope you like it and see a bit more of Kevin's background/past/and relationship. Especially with the new chapter coming soon, we thought it'd be good to show yall a bit more of who this lady we've brought up several times is. And yeah. 
> 
> Don't forget to keep up with our socials!  
[Season 2 Tumbr](https://redrabbitspod.tumblr.com/)  
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> 
> As well as a picture of Kevin and Brianna which can be found [here](https://redrabbitspod.tumblr.com/post/612709215795068928/in-case-you-havent-seen-or-heard-or-if-it-was)
> 
> Now, on a completely serious note, we hope everyone is doing well. With covid-19, everything feels really uncertain. I know for myself (bloodydamnit), I'm in NY and shit's getting real fuckin real here. I've self isolated/quarantined, and I don't plan on leaving my house for at least 2 weeks. I hope everyone else is treating this virus seriously and heeding the warnings of the professionals and leadership in your area. Please please please treat this seriously. It's baffling to me how many people think this isn't a big deal when in reality, it is. So with all that being said, we wish you all the best and hope that everyone stays safe, happy, and healthy. And to those of you that still need to go to work, that you be careful and heed the advice of the doctors. 
> 
> A lot of us will be staying in with nothing to do and we hope that we can at least provide you with some entertainment. If anyone has any movie, tv, book, music, or podcast recs, send them in to the rrp tumblr. Maybe Seth will make a list to try and keep some of you entertained. 
> 
> But yeah. Good luck everyone, stay safe, we love you and appreciate you, and thank you for reading <3


	8. Chicago, IL - M - Aaron/Katelyn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _ Aaron's side _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This... is a tough one. I cried initially when Jeni wrote it and cried again over and over during the rewrite. It might not hit you guys as much as it hit us, but over time we've noticed these characters are actual people to us and their hurt has quickly become our hurt. 
> 
> Unfortunately, we've had to change the scope of this story to fit the covid crisis as many of you know. Last chapter we talked about Andrew's fears about Aaron, so it seems only fitting that we see his side as well. If any of this is factually incorrect or you believe it is disrespectful, please let us know. We really just wanted to explore his struggles and there was no way we could really avoid it. In addition to the fact that as someone from New York (BloodyDamnit), being in the epicenter of this, there is not one person that I know who has not been affected by this in some shape, way, or form. I've been sewing masks for the past few weeks just to try and help our local hospitals and nursing homes, and Jeni's been on my ass about not going outside (re: the talks between Andrew and Neil lol). So please do not take this as us taking this situation lightly. 
> 
> With all that being said, here's Aaron's side.  
CWs:  
Implied sexual content between him and Katelyn. very VERY brief  
talk about the covid crisis and all that comes with it  
the phone call between Andrew and Aaron from the previous chapter
> 
> *** This one shot takes place during COVID. So read before or after Chapter 11 of Season 2

It was dark in their bedroom when they decided. 

Aaron thought it was better that way. He didn’t think he’d be able to agree if he looked Katelyn in the face while he did it. 

He hadn’t been in contact with any of the COVID cases at his hospital. Not yet. But they requested he be placed in the ICU starting next week and finally, it was time. They knew it was coming and they’d talked about what they would do, but now that it was here, he was struggling. 

“I don’t want you to go,” she whispered.

“I don’t want to go.”

“Bella and Dylan are going to miss you so much.”

“I’m going to miss them more, I’m sure.”

She went quiet then, his Kate.

They were close - wrapped around each other with Aaron’s face pressed to her coconut scented hair. It was one of the first things he noticed about her in college. In a bid to fit in and make friends away from Andrew, he saw her from the stands of a PSU Exy game. She was a cheerleader. She was small and lifted up high on some guy’s hands, and she just stood there - balancing with arms in the air and red hair like a beacon under the bright lights. 

Like she was calling to him. 

“I’m going to miss you,” she whispered into his skin. He closed his eyes and pushed back the tears threatening to escape. They were in his nose and his throat and he knew if he started, she wouldn’t care. Hell, she’d cry with him. But he also knew if he started he wouldn’t stop. 

So, he pushed them back. 

“Kate,” he said roughly, “I’m going to feel like I’m missing a limb every second I’m away from this house and you and the girls.”

She rolled away and tugged Aaron with her until he was on top of her. 

Maybe they shouldn’t have, but they kissed. Maybe they shouldn’t have, but they undressed. Maybe they shouldn’t have, but as Aaron felt he and Katelyn connect and move and breathe together in sharp inhales and broken gasps, he couldn’t think about it anymore. He loved her. He loved her so goddamn much and he let it fill his entire being. 

At least for the moment. At least while he still could. 

* * *

There are 700 skeletal muscles in the human body.

Aaron sat on Bella’s bed the next morning, holding her in his lap. 

_ I won’t be able to do this for a long time. _

She giggled and wiggled a foot in his face. He grabbed and tickled it. “Flexor digitorum brevis.”

She shrieked and yanked her foot in his grip, smile wide and hazel eyes - his eyes - squinted. He held onto it and placed a kiss on her toes. 

“I’m going to miss you.”

She sat up on her bed and threw her arms around his neck. “I’m going to miss you, too, Daddy. You’ll come home though.”

It wasn’t a question. It was a statement of fact. 

“Always, baby. I’ll always come home, okay? This is just for a little while to make sure you don’t get sick. I need my Bella Bun to be healthy.” 

She pulled back to look him in the face, shoulders up to her ears, and the light dusting of freckles on her nose wrinkled as she smiled. “I’ll draw pictures for you and put them in the window!”

“I can’t wait to see them,” Aaron said, squeezing her closer and bowing his head to her shoulder to breathe her in. 

She was so tiny... He and Katelyn’s combined genes made sure they had small children, but sometimes Bella just felt so fragile in his arms. 

“You’re going to help mommy with Dylan, right? Make her giggle if she’s upset? You’re the only one that can make her laugh like you do.”

“Yep! I’ll take care of mommy and Dylan and you take care of your pay-tents.”

Aaron pulled back with a kiss to her rosy cheek and smiled at her. “Sounds perfect. I’ll come by sometimes and we can wave to each other. And I’ll facetime you every night.”

“Okay!” Bella said, sliding off the bed to dig through her box of Lego. She was utterly unconcerned, and Aaron was glad. She was only four and had no real concept of time. She had no clue or didn’t realize that it could be months before he could safely be in the house with them again. 

Sighing, he stood and ruffled Bella’s hair before kissing the top of her head on his way to find Katelyn. He found her with Dylan in her nearly finished room. It was painted a very light, butter yellow that shone brightly when the sun streamed in during the day. Little bees scattered the walls and a vase of sunflowers Bee had sent them for Easter rested on the white dresser Katelyn ‘upcycled’ after finding it on the side of the road, set by the window. 

Standing at the changing table with that red hair pulled up and out of the way, she was setting up to change a wiggling Dylan when he approached and placed a hand on her back. “Here. Let me.”

She smiled sadly and stepped aside, handing him a diaper. 

He played with his little Dylan Harper while he changed her - blowing raspberries on her belly and letting her yank on his hair. He relished her giggles and let them soothe the hurt that was growing stronger by the minute. 

When he was finished, he lifted her to his chest and kissed her chubby cheek for a long moment, before he handed her to Katelyn, grabbed his bag, and headed downstairs to the front door with the two of them trailing behind. 

“Do you have everything you need?” she asked, voice soft and cracking.

Aaron nodded, a weight pulling down in his belly as he swallowed hard and tried not to let it get to him that this would be the last time he could hug them for a long time. “I think so. I’ll make a grocery trip for you this week. Call me if you need anything, okay? I’ll get it and leave it by the front door.”

Katelyn nodded, pressing her lips together. She was trying so hard to keep it together. With a deep breath, he wrapped an arm around her neck and pulled her in, Dylan babbling between them. 

“It’s not forever,” he whispered. She sniffed and nodded. 

-

_ It’s not forever, _ he told himself as he drove to the hospital. 

-

_ It’s not forever _ , he told himself as he was briefed on protocol and given a mask he was instructed to guard with his life. 

-

_ It’s not forever _ , he told himself as he worked with his first COVID patient - as he held the hand of an old man who could not have any visitors, and who was going to die very soon.

-

_ It’s not forever.  _

* * *

There are 700 skeletal muscles in the human body.

“ _ Frontalis, temporalis, orbiculalis oculi _ ,” Aaron muttered to himself after what turned out to be a sixteen hour shift. He’d done this since he was pre-med. It was soothing to him, for some reason. He scrubbed himself in the shower at the hospital. “ _ Orbuculalis orbis, sternocleidomastoid, trapezius _ .”

He put on fresh clothes, fresh shoes, fresh everything. He left the hospital, exhausted and heavy. Pulling out his phone now that he was clean, there was a missed call from Katelyn. 

“Hey,” he said when she answered. His voice sounded raspy. “My shift just ended.”

“God, Aaron. You must be exhausted.”

“I could use a nap.”

“Okay, well, just get some rest and call me later, okay?” He could hear Dylan crying in the background and looking at the time, it was nearly dinner time for Bella.  _ What day is it? _

“Do you need anything?”

Katelyn hesitated. “No - we’re fine. Just call me later.”

Aaron sighed. “Kate…”

“I need diapers. I thought we had an extra box but I can’t find it anywhere. I don’t want you to have to -”

“Don’t do that,” Aaron interrupted. “I’m not in the house but I’m still your partner. I’m still their dad. Let me help you. I’ll get a box of diapers and swing by on my way back to Mack’s apartment.”

“Okay.” She sounded teary.  _ Fuck _ ,  _ I hate this _ . “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

And that's how it went. Aaron would talk to them on facetime every night, and he would stop by at the end of his shift so he could see them. Even if the kids were in bed, he’d park the car and roll down the window, and Katelyn would sit on the front step and they would talk - or Katelyn would talk. Sometimes after a long shift, Aaron couldn’t spare more words. 

He stopped by with groceries at the end of the first week. Setting them by the door, he retreated back a few steps and waited. When Katelyn opened the door, Dylan chubby and smiling in her arms and Bella sulking by her side, his heart ached like it always did. Squatting down in the grass in front of their house, he smiled. “Hey, Bella Bun.”

Bella made to run to him, but Katelyn caught her before she could make it past the first step. “Bella, remember we talked -”

She screamed. Bella screamed loud and shrill, cutting off Kate’s words, and Aaron’s heart fucking panged as he stood, arms out and feeling utterly helpless. “Baby, what’s wrong...?” She never acted like this. She had her moments, but she was generally really well behaved.

“I want daddy,” she cried, fighting Katelyn who still had a grip on one of her arms, and Dylan perched precariously in the other. 

“Bella Louise Minyard,” Aaron said firmly. She stopped struggling long enough to look at Aaron miserably and god, he felt the same. He softened his voice. “I’m sorry,” he said, choking on the words. “I’m so sorry. It’s not forever.”

Bella burst into tears again and ran back into the house. Aaron went to his knees in the grass, digging the palms of his hands into his eyes because,  _ because, because _

“Aaron,” Katelyn said. “ _ Aaron _ .”

He looked up helplessly. “She’ll be fine. Go to the apartment and sleep, love.”

So, he did. He went to the place that wasn’t his and he fell into the bed that wasn’t his. Exhausted and torn, it hadn’t even been a week. How were they going to do this for possibly months?

* * *

By the end of that first week, Aaron felt like he never slept. 

He did, of course. He couldn’t help but sleep. But being on his feet all day and running around the ICU, and watching co-workers all slowly turn into the same exhausted, frustrated, determined person, all lent itself to his brain shutting itself down every time it got the chance. 

He was just waking up when Andrew called. 

“You’ll have to call Kate if you want to facetime with the kids,” he answered. Sitting on the edge of the bed, he ran a hand through his disheveled hair. He didn’t sleep well here. Mack was a friend that was still in school at UChicago. But once they’d closed campus, he went home to New Mexico, leaving his apartment empty. He’d told Aaron he was free to use it, knowing it would come to this. 

_ ‘Why?’ _ Andrew asked. ‘ _ Where are you?’ _

Aaron’s first instinct was to snap back at Andrew, but he held it at bay for now. He sighed and stood, “I’m at a friend’s place. He left to go home when they closed campus. I’ve been here for the last week.”

_ ‘This is so if you get it, you don’t pass it to them?’ _

Aaron paused. “Yes.”

_ ‘How are they? How’s Katelyn doing with them by herself?’ _

Heading to the kitchen, he started pulling food out of a cabinet.  _ When’s the last time I ate? _ “She’s  doing amazing because she’s her. I go shopping and buy whatever they need and leave it in front of the door for her so she doesn’t have to leave. She wipes everything down before she brings it inside. I facetime with them everyday. It’s not the same, but it’s just what we have to do right now. I can’t risk them. ”

_ ‘But you can risk yourself?’ _

Aaron clenched his jaw. Leave it to Andrew to fucking hit  _ just _ the right nerve. 

Not for the first time, Aaron thought it was because they were twins that Andrew could get right to the root with such ease. Like he hadn’t already been thinking about what would happen if he caught this virus. He felt better knowing that his family would be safe, but what about him? What would happen to Katelyn if he was one of the unlucky ones?

_ It doesn’t matter how I feel about it. _

“I’m a doctor,” he said, confused and annoyed. “I took an oath, Andrew. I can’t just abandon-”

_ ‘No, no. I know. _ ’ A rare concession on Andrew’s part. Aaron wanted to be annoyed, but he didn’t have it in him. There was something about Andrew that always made him think of the past - of time and threads connecting people.

What happened when those threads were cut. 

“I need to talk to you about something.”

‘ _ What _ ?’ Andrew was on guard.

Aaron took a deep breath.  _ It needs to be done. _ “So, you know you’re the backup guardian for Bella if anything happens -”

_ ‘No. Nope. We’re not having this conversation. For fuck’s sake, Aaron.’ _

“ No. I need to have this conversation right now. Please. I just... need to know everything is squared away. Just in case.”

He expected a reprimand for saying please, but it didn’t come. He was desperate and his brother must know it.

When Andrew didn’t respond, Aaron kept talking, suddenly needing to get it all out before it festered and grew inside.

“ We still have you as the backup guardian for Bella, but we’ve also added you for Dylan. I didn’t ask first because we were in a rush to get it done and I honestly didn’t think I’d need to - ”

_ ‘Of course, you didn’t need to,’ _ Andrew said quietly. Aaron’s chest loosened just a little.

“ I just need confirmation that if you end up with the kids, you’re okay with that. I know...” he let out another breath and pushed forward, “I know you have Neil now. I know you have to consider him. ”

It was the first time he’d really let himself acknowledge Neil’s place in Andrew’s life - both internally and externally. He still didn’t trust him - not really - but that distrust came from knowing that Andrew had never let anyone so close. And as much as Aaron might not want to admit it, he could see  _ it _ when they were together. Whatever they went through a few months ago, whatever issue they had, he also knew that Andrew loved him. Whether he said it out loud or not - he knew Andrew loved him because Aaron loved Katelyn, and Andrew looked at Neil the same way. 

_ ‘Neil is fine. He knows I’m backup guardian for Bella. He won’t mind that it’s Dylan now, too.’  _

“Okay. Okay, good.” His chest loosened a little more. It was all such a long shot, he knew. Even if something happened to him and Katelyn - which he would do everything in his power to make sure it didn’t - the girls would still go to Bee first.  _ Still _ . He felt better knowing everything would be okay. That everything would work out. They’d had their issues, resentment, and anger fueled by teenage hormones and trauma... But even with that, he trusted Andrew completely. 

Which led to this impulse and that niggling at the back of his mind that had been bothering him for weeks. He couldn’t keep it back, couldn’t keep it from rolling off his tongue, and passing his lips. “Why do you think it’s always been so hard for us?” He  _ almost _ regretted it when it was finally out. But the fact of the matter was, he didn’t want to be taken by this fucking virus not  _ knowing _ \- left wondering if things could’ve been different. 

_ I think I’m breaking down _ , he thought. Why Andrew was the one to bring this out of him was an entire suitcase he was apparently finding the time to unpack right here, right now. 

_ ‘I don’t know. Maybe because I killed your mother, and you knew it even if you didn’t acknowledge it.’ _

Of course, he knew... How could he not? He knew and spent years stewing over it - feeling sorry for her. For himself. For some imaginary scenario where she got clean and became an amazing mother. 

_ It would’ve never happened.  _ But he’d never know for sure, would he?

“You did it to protect me,” he eventually murmured. 

_ ‘Yes,’ _ Andrew whispered back. 

Aaron set down the loaf of bread he was holding and turned to lean against the counter, wrapping his free arm around his middle.

“She wouldn’t have stopped beating me. I probably would’ve wound up dead from the drugs. I certainly wouldn’t be where I am now.”

He’d be working a dead-end job so he could just buy more drugs. He wouldn’t have Katelyn, and if he didn’t have Katelyn, he wouldn’t have Bella or Dylan and - 

Andrew didn’t respond. He could practically see him chewing his lip ring in that anxious tick of his. But now was the time. They were going to have this conversation whether Andrew wanted to or not because

<strike> _What if we never get the chance?_ </strike>

“I forgave you for that, you know. A long time ago.” Andrew didn’t care about forgiveness. He knew that. But he was going to give it anyway. Maybe it was something he didn’t realize he’d want one day. 

And then everything was coming out in a rush. It all felt so urgent all of a sudden, and he found himself saying things he never really intended to. 

“ I heard that interview Riko Moriyama did. Where he said you were abused by a man you lived with. ” Aaron went quiet for a moment, gathering his thoughts. He doubted Andrew wanted to talk about this, and he didn’t want to make him. But he needed to know. “Was... it was the Spears, wasn’t it? I remember you having to write the statement but I didn’t really understand what it was. I didn’t want to know. I still hated you.”

And he did. He hated Andrew. He hated what he’d done to Tilda. He hated how fucked up he was. He hated how Bee seemed immune to his bullshit. She always had time for both of them, but at the time he felt like she coddled Andrew - having one on one time with him and always checking up to see if he was okay. Aaron was a jealous child. He knew now, or suspected, why things were that way.

_ ‘I know.’  _

“I know this isn’t something you want to talk about, but I’ve been thinking about it a lot. You were with them when I wrote to you... When you wrote back and told me to fuck off. When you went to juvie. Is that why you didn’t want me to visit? ”

_ ‘Yes,’  _ Andrew said, and it was quiet. Aaron barely heard him, but it was  _ there _ .

He clenched his jaw and closed his eyes and fought the tears because fuck.

_ Fuck. _

“Were you afraid... he’d…”

Andrew cut him off. He didn’t want to hear it as much as Aaron didn’t want to say it.  _ ‘He told me he would. I made sure it didn’t happen.’ _

“By being sent to juvie?” he asked, incredulously.

_ ‘By doing what I had to do.’ _

Protecting him.  _ Protecting me _ . That’s all Andrew had ever done. Sometimes it was toxic and wrong, but he was a traumatized child doing what he could with what he had. He hadn’t even known Aaron back then... And he still sacrificed himself to make sure a brother he didn’t know was safe. 

Why couldn’t he see that, all those years ago? Why was he so blinded by his own feelings and trauma?

Aaron couldn’t ask those things. So instead he said quietly, “ Sometimes I wish we could go back and just cut out all the bullshit. Sometimes, I wish it was me and you and Nicky, eating greasy food at 2AM from Eden’s and just sitting in silence. You remember...? None of us ever talked. Nicky stopped trying after the first ten minutes and we’d just sit there... eating. But I really liked it. Because it was a comfortable quiet. It was a safe quiet. I don’t think either of us had had much of that.”

He didn’t try to stop the tears this time. He’d been keeping it together since he left his home and his partner and his children. He’d kept it together  when the first COVID patient he was assigned to died. He’d kept it together when he drove by the house every day on his way to the hospital just to see the new pictures Bella put in the windows for him.

He didn’t keep it together now. Because, yeah, Andrew had been protecting him this whole fucking time, and that meant he felt safe with him. He felt like he could be vulnerable. Because Andrew was his brother. His  _ twin _ . It was a bond they hadn’t been able to form as children and now, he found himself mourning those missed years. 

And because it was a very real possibility he didn’t have much time left. 

_ ‘After everything is over, maybe you and Nicky can come home. We can go to Bee’s. Eat food quietly.’ _

Aaron pushed off the counter and went into the small living room, food abandoned. He sat on the couch and stared at the blank TV - at the video game console. The one thing they could do together when they were young that somehow didn’t end in insults and slamming doors. 

“Yeah... We should do that. There’s a PS4 here. I haven’t played in so long.”

‘ _ I still have mine _ .’

Aaron stood, running a hand over the black box and picking up the headphones sitting on top.

“Do... do you-”

‘ _ Give me half an hour _ .’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We really hope you liked this and if you cried, cried along with us. Thank you all so much for the continued love and support and patience as we slowly figure out this new terrain for this series!  
Kudos and comments are always appreciated. Seriously you make our day when reading all the comments <3  
We hope everyone is, as always, staying safe and healthy and INSIDE!!!
> 
> [Heres](https://redrabbitspod.tumblr.com/post/616143275315920896/outside-of-our-normal-content-but-after-a-few) one of the picture's Bella drew for Aaron in the window <3
> 
> Don't forget to keep up with our socials!  
[Season 2 Tumbr](https://redrabbitspod.tumblr.com/)  
[Season 2 Ask box](https://redrabbitspod.tumblr.com/ask)  
[Twitter](https://twitter.com/RedRabbitsPod)


	9. The Witch and the Seamstress - Renee/Allison - M

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _ A peek into Renee and Allison _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eeee! Hello everyone! FINALLY! A RENISON CHAPTER!!! We wanted to dive into these babes a bit more and see what their relationship is actually like... There's not much really to say but this made us really, really happy... We do go over a few past events, just from their povs, so we hope it gives you some insight and overall, we hope you love the two of them just as much as we do... They've made us super soft T^T  
CW:  
Brief Sexual Content  
Tooth-rotting fluff <3
> 
> *** This one shot takes place after Season 1, the summer after, and during Season 2!

Falling in love with Renee was like stumbling in a pair of very high heels. 

One minute, you think you’re doing great. You feel fantastic. These heels aren’t even out yet, but Christian Louboutin has you on the PR list and sent them to you early because you are Allison fucking Reynolds. You make them look effortless. Your walk is perfect, you feel fantastic - chin up, shoulders back, tits out; heel, toe, heel, toe. 

And then stumble.

You look down, confused. These heels really gonna do you like that? Your stomach swooped and your ankle almost rolled, but you caught yourself. Shake it off, try again. 

Then, you stumble harder. You look down at the shoes again, but this time you bite your lip. Because you’re starting to understand what exactly this is. It was all fun and games when they were just pretty things in a box - when you admired them and put them on, feeling like they were made just for you, but knowing they weren’t. 

Were they?

Now, you walk carefully. A little unsure. Like a fawn taking its first steps. You’ve worn heels before. More than one pair, more than five, if you’re being honest. But none have been like these. None have made you watch each step you take. 

_ Heel... toe... heel... toe. _

_ Careful now. Slow it down. _

Because it may seem silly, but you really are starting to think they were made to fit your feet and you need to make this feeling last. 

You’d do anything to make it last. 

That’s what Allison felt like, watching Renee in her home. 

They’d been together for a few months. Renee flew to Miami once season one of the podcast ended, and she’d settled here in this giant house like she’d always been here. 

She sat on the couch now, one leg tucked underneath her thigh with her laptop propped on her lap. It was early, and she looked beautifully disheveled in a way she never appeared in her daily life. Wearing one of Allison’s silk robes, one side slipped slightly off her shoulder. It matched her sleep tousled violet hair. Her feet were bare, small and slender with toes painted a pale periwinkle. Allison sighed as she set a cup of coffee on the table next to Renee’s elbow.

“Thanks,” she said, looking up briefly from her laptop to flash Allison a sweet smile.

“What are you working on?” Allison sat on the other end of the couch, resting her back against the arm and pulling her legs up so she could face Renee. 

Renee sighed, blowing her bangs in the process. “Feilding requests from the media for interviews. Neil and Andrew don’t want to talk to anyone.”

“Don’t blame them. Fucking vultures.”

“I don’t blame them either. But just because we get it, doesn’t mean the press does. I’m just glad they’re in Colorado though... I’m glad they’re taking a break.”

Allison stretched out a leg and poked Renee’s thigh with a toe. “Do you think they’re in love?”

Renee laughed a little. “I think Andrew would gag if he heard you ask that.”

Allison shrugged, unconcerned. “Minyard can pretend to be above it all he wants. He’s stupid in love, I could immediately tell. He sure as shit never looked at Dion like that. He’s hopeless just like the rest of us.”

Renee looked up from her laptop to meet Allison’s eyes. “Just like the rest of us, huh?”

Allison did not look away. She let her lips curve into a smile, aware that she’d just woken up and the scarf on her head was probably halfway up her hairline and she had no makeup on, lips bare and chapped. Renee looked at her like she’d just come from a photoshoot. 

“Yeah, Rae. Just like the rest of us.”

* * *

The show went off without a hitch. Seth fucking killed it in the booth and Dion was at the top of his game. He’d made sure everything went off flawlessly. They were back at Allison’s now, taking inventory of their stock and making sure each piece was carefully put away. Eventually she’d have them all displayed on mannequins in her show room, but for now, they needed to be stored.

“Seth did a good job,” Dion said from across the room. It was all wood floors and mirrors on the walls and it echoed. Seth and Renee were both in bed after a long night, but Allison and Dion shared the same compulsiveness when it came to making sure shit was properly taken care of before going to bed. 

“He did a great job,” Allison replied, carefully zipping up a garment bag. “I knew he would though. I’ve been trying to get him down here for forever.”

Dion was quiet then, and Allison stopped mid zip. She looked over at her assistant, at her best friend, at her brother. “D?”

“Yeah?” He looked up, distracted.

“Oh, fuck.”

“No, Alli-”

“Oh god, D.”

“No, no. It’s not-”

“You got it bad, huh? I saw y’all practically fuckin’ on the dance floor, but I thought y’all were just playin’.”

Dion took a deep breath, and Allison watched as a small shiver wracked through him. “No. Definitely not playing.” He rubbed his ear.

Allison sighed and set the bag aside. She approached him, bare feet padding softly on the wood. “You know I don’t care right? Seth and I fooled around, but it was never anything serious. South Carolina is just fuckin’ boring as hell.”

Dion laughed. “I know, I know. I guess I’ve always just been drawn to him, but I kept occupied with Andrew and you two were…” He made a gesture with his hand as if to encompass whatever the two of them were doing. “I don’t know, Alli. But after tonight and dancing with him…” He ran a hand through his braids. He kept saying he was going to get rid of them, but he was attached, she knew. 

“Do you think he felt it, too?”

“Yeah... I do.”

“Then go for it. I can attest the ride will be worth it,” Allison winked at him and pinched his cheek. 

Dion rolled his eyes and huffed a laugh. “How’s it going with Renee?”

“Honestly?”

“No, lie to me. Of course honestly.”

“Good. Really fucking good. Too good.” 

Dion stared at her for a minute before sitting down on the floor, back against the wall. Allison sat down with him, still in her dress from the show. She pushed it back down her thighs and concentrated on her black painted toes. 

“What’s the problem?” he asked.

“No, problem... and I guess _ that’s _ the problem. I don’t know, D. It’s been months and it’s still amazing. That’s not normal, is it? Like I’m just waiting for whatever horrible thing that’s bound to happen, to happen.”

“She’s not Liza.”

“Thank god.”

“Or Sean.”

“Double thank god,” she mumbled, then sighed. “I know she’s not. She’s not manipulative or money hungry or controlling. She’s just... she’s my Rae.”

_ It’ll destroy me _ , she thought. If she ends this and decides the distance is too much, _ it’ll fucking kill me and I don’t know if I can handle that shit. _ She didn’t say it, but Dion understood. 

He always did. 

Bumping his shoulder with hers, Dion playfully said by her ear, “Sometimes you just gotta leap, Alli. Hope you stick the landing.”

Allison rolled her eyes and smiled. “Woooooowwwww, were you a gymnast or something?”

Dion laughed, because he was. He’d been a gymnast and a cheerleader in college and due to the fact that he never let anyone forget, it became a running joke between them. He patted her leg and kissed the side of her head. “Enjoy your girl. Don’t let all that negative shit get in the way. Now go.” He stood and helped her to her feet. “She’s probably waiting up for you. Go to bed, I’ll finish this.”

Allison hugged him tightly. She didn’t know what she’d do without him. “I love you, D.”

“I love you too, Alli.”

* * *

The next night they went to dinner. There was a new vegan cuban restaurant Allison was dying to try and Renee was always up for anything. By the time they got back to the house, they were comfortably full and wonderfully sleepy. It was late, and they’d both gone to bed unreasonably late the night before. 

That sleepiness vanished the moment they walked into the main living room. Greeting them were shirts thrown haphazardly around and a random movie playing on the TV. She looked in the direction of Seth’s bedroom and raised an eyebrow at Renee. Renee pressed her lips together in an attempt not to smile. “Well,” she said sweetly, “I suppose it’s about time.”

Allison snorted._ That’s an understatement. _

Renee took her hand with both of her own. “Are you ready for bed?”

Allison looked down at her and a thought slipped into her mind as she shook her head. “I’m not tired. You?” Renee hummed a no as a small ‘mm mm’ while squeezing her hand. Allison smiled slowly. “Come on. I have an idea.”

She led Renee by the hand through the house and kicked off her heels along the way to the back. Large french doors opened to the wide private yard, with a sea wall all the way at the end that led a winding path to the ocean behind it. A curving pool with three waterfalls took up most of the space, and a barbeque area rested to the left and a bar to the right. Lounge chairs faced the pool with torches scattering here and there, but they were off as was everything else. The pumps didn’t run, the torches didn’t crack and flicker. Everything was quiet, filled with the sounds of the waves and bugs and even the croak of a frog or two. 

Stars visible high in the sky, Allison turned so she faced Renee and walked backward to the pool, smiling and still towing her by the hand. 

“A swim, Alli? This late?”

“It’s the perfect time,” she shrugged. “It’s not so hot that the water will feel like a bath. Come on, swim with me.”

She let go Renee’s hand and turned, unzipping her dress and shimmying out of it. She let it fall around her feet before unclasping her bra and tossing it onto a nearby lounge, then slipped off her thong - the lace falling to her feet with her dress.

Turning to look at Renee, she was met with a very slow once over, before Renee slid her hands to her hips. “Seth and Dion are inside,” she pointed out, quietly.

“And probably freshly fucked and dead to the world,” Allison shrugged, pulling a hair tie from around Renee’s wrist and using it to pile her hair on top of her head so it didn’t get wet. “You don’t have to come in, Rae. I like when you watch me, anyway.”

Allison walked to the steps of the pool, taking them slowly and thrilling at the knowledge that Renee was watching. It never got old with her - never got less exciting. She hoped it never did. 

She bent her knees so the water was up to her neck, and prowled to the edge, all the while watching Renee’s eyes trailing her in return. Then, she finally let her hands drop and smiled. Allison watched as she kicked off her chunky heels - as she unzipped her tighter-than-usual knee-length skirt, and unbuttoned her blouse with the peter pan collar and laced edges. She was practically glowing when she was done, all smooth skin in the moonlight, and Allison held out a hand. Renee took it, sitting on the terracotta-tiled edge of the pool and slipping in quietly, barely making a splash. 

They came together immediately, Renee wrapping her arms around Allison’s neck and Allison pulling her in tight with hands tracing her spine. She loved kissing Renee. Honestly, she wasn’t sure what to expect when they first started being physical. Renee was so put together and reserved in her everyday life and she was like that when she kissed, sure, but it was _ different _ . Renee was always _ sure _ \- always firm and sweet and if Allison could even try to describe it, Renee was like a flower. She was soft and delicate, but firm with a strong stem and a few thorns, sure with purpose. 

When they broke apart, Renee pushed off of her, grinning and swimming the length of the pool. Allison followed in pursuit. They spent time laughing and chasing and at one point, just talking from opposite sides of the pool. It was so late. They were both going to be exhausted tomorrow and Allison had to drive Seth to the airport to catch his plane. 

She couldn't find it in herself to care. 

Renee swam slowly to Allison, and Allison met her in the middle. Wrapping her arms around Allison’s neck again, she let herself float and all Allison could think was how gorgeous Renee was with soft ambient light from the house making her eyes sparkle. Water clung to her lashes, dripping from the tips of her hair and Allison kissed her again, because she couldn’t not. 

This time, Renee deepened it. This time, she lifted from the bottom and wrapped her legs around Allison’s waist. Allison could feel the heat of her through the cool water, and it drove her to move her lips from Renee’s to her jaw. 

Renee tipped her head back and Allison followed the line of her neck, the curve of her shoulder, and when Renee leaned back even more, raising up just a bit, Allison took one peaked nipple into her mouth and closed her eyes against the sound of her pleased sigh. 

She moved then, unable to help it. She had Renee pressed against the pool wall, one hand between them and dipped inside. Renee moved against her, moaning quietly until Allison picked her up by the hips and set her on the edge of the pool. She looked up into soft brown eyes, and Renee cupped her cheek for just a moment before leaning back, before Allison pushed her legs apart; before she kissed the inside of both knees; before she whispered_ I love you _ against Renee’s skin, willing it to sink in.

* * *

Falling in love with Allison was like learning to use a blade. 

It immediately felt right, balanced and sharp, a solid weight in her hand. But that was why it was scary. It wasn’t _ supposed _ to immediately feel that way. She was _ supposed _ to be cautious and unsure, and yet as soon as she picked it up, it fit.

She learned to dance. Step, pivot, evade, turn. Lean into it. Put your weight behind it. 

She took to it like a fish to water. She was a natural. 

But she was also terrified until she let go - until she accepted that maybe this was just something that she was meant to do. 

She’d done the same thing with Allison. _ Maybe this was just something we’re meant to do. _ Once she accepted that and accepted the fact that Allison was not in it for a quick bit of fun, her heart felt full. Warm. 

Right.

She was packing now, trying to keep calm in the face of Seth almost dying. 

She’d prayed all night long that he would be okay - clutched the cross around her neck and squeezed her eyes closed, wiping away tears and whispering to the dark. 

When she got word that he was bruised, but fine, Renee let out a deep breath and thanked God. 

Alli was coming to get her now. She was on her way via private jet to pick her up so they could fly to Raleigh together. Renee had to bite her tongue against chiding Alli about flying private. But, they needed to get there quickly and there was no way she’d be okay with Allison flying commercial right now. 

Carefully folding the last of her clothes, she put them in her bag and headed to the airport. Allison called while she was on her way. 

“Hey, Alli love. I’m on my way.”

_ ‘Okay, we just landed. You doin’ okay?’ _

“Now that I know Seth is okay, I’m fine. How are you? Have you heard any more from Dion?”

Allison sighed into the phone, and Renee’s heart ached for her. She was worried for Seth, certainly, but her heart was also breaking for Dion. He’d been hysterical when he called, Allison said. Apparently he could barely get a word out and only just managed to relay what had happened. Allison said she was packing before they were even off the phone. 

_ ‘No, but he’s been trying not to leave Seth’s side. Giving the staff a run for it... He’s not looking at his phone, I’m sure.’ _

“I’m sure,” Renee said, sympathy thick in her voice. “I’ll be there soon, okay?”

‘Okay. Love you, Rae.’

“Love you, too.”

* * *

They sat next to each other on the short ride in the air, Renee with her head on Allison’s shoulder. 

She looked so... casual. Of course Renee had seen her in every state of dress. When they went out, she was usually completely made up. Renee would’ve never guessed before they got together, but this was actually one of the things she loved about Allison. She didn’t put on makeup or wear expensive clothes because she was hiding something or she wasn’t confident in her natural beauty. No, Allison did it because she loved herself. She loved how she looked with her long blonde wig and her heels and her painted lips. But she also loved how she looked fresh from a mask, wearing a tracksuit and her hair in a bonnet. Allison owned it - it didn’t own her. Renee loved that steady confidence. 

“It would’ve destroyed Dion if he’d died. It would’ve fuckin’ destroyed all of us. But he’s so in love with Seth. Head over heels, Rae. Shit’s deep.”

Renee hummed a little and lifted her head from Allison’s shoulder. “I know. Has he been in a relationship like this before? Lived with someone?”

Allison shook her head. Dion had moved not long ago to live with Seth in South Carolina. Renee loved having him around. It was like a little piece of Allison when she couldn’t be there. 

“He’s crushed hard before, but never like this.”

Renee nodded. “Seth is easy to love. I’m glad he’s okay... for all our sakes.”

Allison put a hand on her thigh and squeezed gently. “I’m so glad you’re here...” Her bottom lip shook slightly and she sniffed, wiping her eyes. “I always feel like I have to fuckin’... like... be on, you know? Like,” She inhaled a shaking breath, “I _ know _, I’m a bad bitch. I know I get shit done. I know I can be hard as nails - but sometimes I feel like fuckin’ jello and you’re the only one besides D that I don’t mind seeing it.”

She was crying in earnest now, tears leaving tracks on her dark skin. Her face was makeup-free today, her skin positively flawless and Renee couldn’t help wiping away a tear with her thumb just to feel how soft it was. 

“Alli love, just because you feel so deeply for both of them doesn’t mean you’re not still a bad... bitch.”

Allison laughed at Renee’s words and her wince. She never cursed - not because she thought it was wrong or she was above it. She didn’t mind when other people did it. It just reminded her of that person she was trying every day to leave behind. 

“How come you’re so perfect?”

It was Renee’s turn to laugh. Allison knew what her life had been like. They’d shared nearly everything with each other over late nights and early mornings. Renee knew how hard it’d been for Allison to break away from her family. To leave what had been a very cushy life to follow her passion and prove herself to the world. Allison knew what Renee had done to survive, what she was still trying to atone for. 

“I think you know that’s not true. None of us are perfect.”

Allison kissed her firmly, her tears wetting Renee’s cheeks. “Except you.”

* * *

Allison immediately disappeared with Dion when they finally made it to the hospital. Renee joined the rest of the somber team congregating by their cars. She gave everyone hugs, and when Matt went first to see Seth, Renee pulled Andrew aside. 

“How are you?” she asked quietly.

Andrew chewed his lip ring, looking at Neil instead of her. “Tired.”

That meant ‘not great, but not horrible.’ She’d learned to speak Andrew years ago. He was obviously tired physically, but he meant inside, too. He and Seth had gotten close since working on the podcast together, even if he tried to pretend differently. Andrew cared about Seth, and she hoped he didn’t try to take this burden on himself. Blame himself. 

“Didn’t get much sleep last night?” 

Andrew shook his head and finally met her eyes. His looked brighter with the dark circles underneath. 

“How’s Neil?”

Andrew’s eyes flicked back to his partner. Neil had moved closer to Wymack, their heads together talking quietly about something. The early morning sun was turning his hair to fire. 

“He’s good,” Andrew said. “He’s strong.”

Renee gave him a slow smile. 

“Oh, don’t look at me like that, Walker. For fuck’s sake.” He was switching his weight from foot to foot, crossing and uncrossing his arms.

“Andrew?”

“I told him I love him,” he blurted, like Renee had been asking him and hounding him for an answer. She could feel her eyes go wide and tried to keep her face as neutral as possible. She remembered Allison calling this all those months ago in Miami. _ ‘He’s just as hopeless as the rest of us.’ _

“That’s great, Andrew. I’m happy for you. You’re human, just like the rest of us.” She didn’t try for a hug, but she squeezed his arm once. He sighed and stopped fidgeting. Rubbed his face. Adjusted his armband.

Changed the subject.

“How are you and Reynolds?”

“We’re okay. Seth is safe so that’s the most important thing. I think Allison is mostly just worried about Dion now.”

Andrew nodded. “He’s okay,” he said, like he was trying to remind himself. Neil looked over at them and Andrew’s head turned immediately, like they were magnets drawn together with a look. Neil gave him a small smile and turned to answer something Dan had said to him.

“Why don’t we rejoin the group? It’ll probably be your turn soon.” Andrew just nodded and walked ahead of her. She watched him go straight to Neil. They briefly linked pinkies before letting go, so subtle she didn’t think anyone else would’ve noticed.

She smiled to herself.

* * *

That night, she and Allison lay together in the hotel bed, talking quietly.

“I hate this room,” Allison sighed. 

“I know you do.”

“It smells like dirty ass feet.”

“I know it does... But it’s close to the hospital and it’s where everyone else is. We’ll be out of here tomorrow.” Renee snuggled closer to Allison. “You’re anxiety complaining.”

Allison sighed and wrapped her arms around Renee. “I know. I can’t help it. I won’t feel better until Seth and D are home.”

“Should I tell you a bedtime story?”

Allison let out a little laugh that made Renee smile too. “Yes, please do.”

Renee slowly sat up, kissed Allison’s forehead, then crossed her legs underneath her. “Okay, no interrupting. This is a good one.” She cleared her throat. “Once upon a time, there was a beautiful seamstress. She was known all throughout the land as the best, creating outfits for royalty and famous knights. None could match her style, for it was very loud and very _ sexy _.”

Allison snorted, but did not interrupt. 

“One day, the beautiful seamstress stumbled upon a witch living in a small cottage in the forest. Looking for a place to lay her head the seamstress pleaded, ‘Please, witch. I seek food and shelter. I’ve no coin, but I can repay you by creating an outfit that will grant you the love of any you seek.’

“The witch considered this proposition. The love of any you seek? From a garment? She was not convinced, but she let the seamstress rest her weary head. She was quite beautiful, and the witch was loath to see her go. It turns out, however, that they stayed up together all night, talking about the past and the present.

“They never discussed the future. It was enough. The witch woke late the next morning, tired from such a long night. When she went to check on the seamstress, she found her putting the finishing touches on a beautiful gown. It was perfect, something the witch didn’t even know she desired.

“‘This is too much,’ said the witch. ‘I can’t possibly accept it.’

“‘Try it on,’ was all the seamstress responded. So the witch did. And when she came back into the room and locked eyes with the seamstress, she heard it again in her head. ‘_ Will grant you the love of any you seek.’ _

“In that moment the witch knew she loved the seamstress, and couldn’t bear to see her go. She kissed her, hoping to convince her of the matter and settle it there and then.”

Renee stopped and looked at Allison. “Well?” Allison demanded. “You can’t stop there. They fall in love, right? The seamstress stays and they live in the cottage and garden and have cats like adorable lesbians, right?”

Renee laughed. “Ah, you spoiled it. The seamstress kisses the witch back and never leaves. They grow old and garden and have one cat because that seems reasonable.”

Allison pulled her down on top of her and kissed her senseless. “What if we got a dog instead?”

* * *

They’d been living together for two whole months now, and Allison had not let herself think past this. She decided to stay when they got back from picking up Seth instead of flying back during the pandemic. Nevermind that she could’ve just flown on the same private jet she’d taken there - the one that had been clean and sanitized and would carry only her. 

That was beside the point. 

The point was that waking up next to Renee was something she didn’t think she’d like so much. Making breakfast for her, persuading her to try latin staples and soul food, and getting the same in return with Renee’s own korean cuisine.

But what next?

Allison could fuck your world up with a word. She was a boss. She was in charge and in control and made shit happen. Didn’t matter what it was, she was going to _ make it fucking happen _, because no one was going to do it for her. Her daddy wasn’t going to and society certainly wasn’t either. 

_ Oh, another angry black woman? _

“You’re fucking right I’m angry,” Allison said, more than once when she heard these comments. “Someone has to be.”

But living with her girlfriend had turned her into an unsure mess. Because what next? What would happen when this was over and it was safe to travel? She was supposed to just go back to Miami and pretend she didn’t know what it was like to wake up next to her every morning? To walk into the house and know Renee was dying her hair just from the smell? To have her scratch her scalp through her natural curls when the wig was finally off?

“What are you thinking? You look sad.”

Allison looked at Renee and smiled. “Just about how sad it is that I wasn’t able to do that swimsuit line I had in mind this summer. They were going to be fucking gorgeous. Had Lizzo lined up to model some of them and everything.”

Renee squeezed her arm. “There’s always next summer. You’ll be able to provide all of Miami with an amazing show for that one.”

“Yeah.” Allison fiddled with the hem of her shirt. “Miami.”

Because she couldn’t not go back. She had an empire to run, and doing so from South Carolina would be impossible. She could be selfish and ask Renee to move to Miami - afterall, Dion basically told Seth he was moving to South Carolina and didn’t want to hear a word against it. Allison laughed and shook her head. 

Dion was a fucking mess. 

And Allison was an even bigger one.

* * *

They’d been living together for two whole months now, and Renee was already thinking past this. 

She liked to see herself as rational. She liked to have all of the information, look at things from all angles. Only then would she decide how to react. 

So, naturally, after two weeks after living with Allison she decided the best course of action would be for them to do this forever. She hadn’t mentioned it to her yet, only because she didn’t have a plan to present at the moment. Or plans. Options. 

Allison couldn’t move to South Carolina. It just wasn’t feasible with her business. She needed to be in Miami. Renee could do her job anywhere. She was in PR and she was _ very _ good at it. She’d even thought about working with Allison, doing PR for one of her business ventures. 

And what would leaving Palmetto mean for her? She’d be sad to go, yes... And she’d miss everyone so much. They were her family - brothers and sisters, father and mother. But there would really only be one thing holding her there, making her certain she couldn’t leave.

Andrew. 

She’d worry about him. What if something happened and he needed someone nearby? He had Bee, of course, but sometimes he needed someone else who he knew would quietly listen or he could blow off steam with by sparring. 

_ But that was before Neil. _

That was before she knew Andrew was being cared for, heart and soul. What they had was something she’d never seen. Even when they broke up, it was so _ intense _. They were two halves of a whole, and she couldn’t compete with that. She didn’t want to. She was so incredibly happy for Andrew, she could only ever smile at him when he talked about Neil. He wouldn’t tolerate anything else anyway.

She pulled out her phone and texted Neil.

_ Hi, Neil. How are you? _

_ ‘Good. You?’ _

_ I’m fine. Just wanted to check up on you two. Handling isolation okay still? _

_ ‘Yeah, it’s not so bad. We’re getting a lot of research done.’ _

_ I bet. What do you think you’ll do after this season? _

_ 'I don’t know. We haven’t really talked about it. We’ll figure it out together.' _

_‘We’ll figure it out together._’

Renee set her phone face down on the table, next to the cup of tea she’d been neglecting. She felt so many things. Happiness, pride, love, fear.

“Alli love?” she called into the living room.

Allison came into the kitchen a minute later. She was wearing sleep shorts and an oversized sweatshirt. Her curls were out today. Renee loved Allison’s look, but she loved her natural hair, too. It made her look softer. 

_ Stunning. _

“What’s up?” she asked, leaning against the kitchen doorway and watching Renee expectantly.

“Sit down,” she said gently. “I want to talk to you about something.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RENIIISSOONNN!! WE HOPE YOU LOVED THEM TOO!!!
> 
> Now, as we said a few days ago on tumblr, we're going to be rolling out a few BTP chapters in the coming weeks. The thing is, working during covid is really, really hard, especially with how we've set up the fic. We're not STOPPING writing, we're just taking a bit of a brain break and in the meantime, giving yall some content to read from different povs :)  
You can read more about why we're taking a break [here](https://redrabbitspod.tumblr.com/post/617144538582089728/ooc-creator-updateannouncement)!  
And vote on what pairing you'd like to see next [here](https://redrabbitspod.tumblr.com/post/617416514521464832/behind-the-pod-poll)!
> 
> We hope everyone is staying safe and healthy as always <3 And thank you all so much for being patient with us <3 Kudos and Comments are always appreciated! Please let us know who you wanna see!
> 
> Also! Check out the art BloodyDamnit did for this chapter of Renison as the Witch and the Seamstress!!! We hope you like it! Find it [here](https://redrabbitspod.tumblr.com/post/617507323515207680/the-witch-and-the-seamstress-ooc-renison-behind)!
> 
> Keep up with us on our socials!!  
[Season 2 Tumbr](https://redrabbitspod.tumblr.com/)  
[Season 2 Ask box](https://redrabbitspod.tumblr.com/ask)  
[Twitter](https://twitter.com/RedRabbitsPod)
> 
> Stay safe, stay healthy, keep searching! <3


	10. Dion - M - Dion/Seth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _ Dion _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few days ago we posted a poll to see what btp's you guys would like to see! Dion was requested quite a few times and thankfully he was, because this bad boy was already in the works! We really hope y'all like getting to see more of this oc! We love Dion to bits and pieces and we thought he deserved to be looked into a bit more.  
Not many warnings for this one, except (as mentioned before) Dion's experience with coming out to his mother. It doesn't go well, so if that is triggering to you, please, please proceed with caution. It's the first part of this!
> 
> Also, the ending? OH HO HO ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ BLAME JENI. IT'S _ GOOD _
> 
> *** This one shot takes place during COVID in Season 2. So don't read if you're not up to that!

“You need to leave.”

“What? Ma, no -”

“Dion, I love you. You’re my child and you’re God’s child and I’ve been blessed with you. But God don’t want this... God don’t approve of this... I can’t have you here with your baby sister in the other room, letting her think this is okay. You need to go.”

Dion stared at his mother for a minute. He was sixteen years old. Where was he supposed to go? He didn’t mean for this to happen. He and Iz were just messing around. She wasn’t supposed to be home from work yet. 

When she asked him point-blank if he was gay, he didn’t deny it. That was his first mistake. His second was looking her in the eyes when she told him to leave. 

His mother was beautiful and he’d always thought so. She worked in an office as a bookkeeper, and she did her hair and makeup carefully each morning. Her skin was a deep mahogany and the smoothest he’d ever seen. She was stunning, strong, and Dion loved her endlessly...

But he shouldn’t have looked at her face - her eyes. Because as soon as he did, he could feel himself crumble. His face screwed up with immediate sobbing and he couldn’t help it, he couldn't stop it. 

“Ma, _ please _.”

She didn’t answer. She got up from the table and went to her room, shutting the door quietly behind her. Dion sat there for a few minutes more before he picked himself up and carried himself to the room he shared with Nika. She was sitting on her bed watching him, hands tucked under her thighs and feet swinging above the floor. 

“Mama said you have to leave?” 

“Yes,” Dion murmured, grabbing his backpack and shoving whatever he could inside. 

“Is it because she saw you kissing Isaac?”

Dion stiffened, clutching his backpack as he turned to face her. “I saw you last week,” she said quietly, looking at her lap. “I didn’t tell anyone though.”

Dion sighed and put his bag down as his heart gave a painful _ pang _. He loved Nika... She was his little buddy. - his shadow. She was nine years old and she was going to be a boss one day. 

She was the smartest person he knew. 

“Nika…” He didn’t even know what to say.

“I don’t care that you kissed Isaac.” She sniffed, still looking at her lap. “Mama says God cares, but I don’t.” She hitched a tiny sob. “I don’t want to kiss anyone ever, so what does it matter...? I don’t care if boys kiss boys. Just stay Dion... Mama will let you if-”

“Nika,” Dion said again, squatting on the floor in front of her. How do you even explain this to a child...? Can you? What are the right words? _ There aren’t any. _ He inhaled a deep, shaking breath. “I can’t stay here. Mama told me to leave and then she’ll tell Auntie and Grandma and then what? I can’t live like that Nik...” He stood again and finished shoving what little clothes he could fit in his bag. “Don’t tell anyone about Iz, okay? I don’t want him to get in trouble.”

Nika sniffed and wiped her face. Dion tried to ignore the tears, tried to ignore the searing pain lancing through him. This was just hurting so fucking much and he was trying really hard to pretend it wasn’t. 

“When are you coming back?” she asked, voice small and wet and wrong. 

Dion zipped his bag roughly because. He _ had _ to. “I’m not. But I’ll try and visit you at school or something, okay?”

She nodded and he hugged her tight to his chest. “I love you, Nik. Don’t forget that, okay? I love you.”

“I love you, too, Deedee.”

* * *

Dion left his house that day, and didn’t look back. 

He slept where he could. Crashing at friend’s houses, sometimes even sleeping at school. He was on track to graduate and he wasn’t going to fuck it up. He kept his head down, completed his work, and somehow survived.

He got a job at a thrift store in Flamingo Plaza. He’d walked in sweaty and exhausted and thanking god it was black-owned so he wasn’t immediately banished from the premises. The man that owned it was named Wally, and he didn’t ask questions, which was fine with Dion. 

He knew he was gay by now and had no doubt in his mind. But he planned to stay shut in that deep dark closet after everything with his mother. 

For now at least. 

He survived that way until senior year. No one knew, not his teachers, or friends, or his employer... 

But that last year of high school, Dion became self-destructive. He’d found a group of friends outside of school that were older, that were gay - that had introduced him to clubs and drugs and favors that could be paid for with things that weren’t money. He was a gay, black, homeless teenager. 

And he was a statistic. 

But there was one thing Dion always had in his back pocket, and that was a desperate, almost feral desire to go to college... To get out of Hialeah and away from all the memories and the bullshit. So, even through the partying he always got his homework done. Even though he tried a drug or two, he always wrote his papers and had Wally proofread for him. He hustled. He worked hard. His friends at school started calling him _ Grim _ because he never smiled when he was there. But _ there _ was not for play. _ There _ was for making sure he got the fuck _ out _. 

And he did. Dion won a full-ride scholarship to FAMU, an HBCU in north Florida where he majored in Theater. He didn’t want to act. He’d never been into it, but costume design was where he’d flourished. He designed all the costumes for the drama club in high school, taking bits and bobs from the thrift shop and turned them into something _ fabulous _. Like magic. 

He was also a cheerleader all throughout college. He’d done gymnastics at the rec center since he was a kid with Nika, but when he left home he stopped; too busy trying to survive and all that. He’d nonetheless found moments to see his little sister and catch up. Thankfully she was doing well, but it was all still so hard and Dion was convinced the wounds his mother made would never heal. 

By then, he avoided her at all costs - dodging into stores and avoiding her usual schedule and pattern. 

At times, he wondered if she thought about what she’d done. If she regretted it. If she ever wondered how he was doing. He thought about calling her when he was at FAM - telling her how he’d got in even without her help, that he was majoring in theater, that he was a cheerleader. 

But he didn’t. He thought maybe Nika would, but he wasn’t sure. 

-

Once he graduated, he followed a boy back to Miami Beach. 

He didn’t go back to Hialeah despite it being a stone’s throw away. Honestly, he wanted to go to _ New York _. He’d learned so much about costume design and he was positively desperate to prove he could do something with it. 

Instead he followed someone else’s dream, and ended up in a haute couture boutique trying to convince over tanned and unnaturally thin women that yes, this is the latest from Milan and it looks amazing on you honey, yas queen! Because middle aged women love the gay, and Dion loved the commission.

But he was bored. He wasn’t being utilized properly and he felt unchallenged. Honestly, Dion was two seconds away from quitting and telling his bitch of a boss to lay off the botox, when one Allison Jamaica Reynolds breezed into the building. 

She was a fucking force and opposite of their normal clientele. She gave zero fucks and though Dion was positive he was not attracted to women, he was attracted to her. Like moth to flame _ she _ was his answer - marching around the showroom in heels that cost more than his rent. She then stopped, lowered her sunglasses on her nose and looked directly at him. 

“You. Show me.”

“Ah, Ms. Reynolds,” his bitch boss said, “Mackayla here-”

“Did I ask you? I said him and him it’ll be. Or should I walk out of here now? Let me know, I have shit to do. Don’t got time to be shown around by some bitch who wouldn’t know how to dress these curves if her life depended on it. Him or I leave.”

So, it was him. They spent the afternoon going through clothes and their connection was immediate. They laughed, and talked shit about the clothes, the store, Mackayla. Allison Reynolds earned him the highest commission he’d ever earned and at the end of it all, a job. 

But working for Allison was a test in patience. She had very specific needs and she was a perfectionist. He started by contacting vendors for her and collecting fabric samples. When she found out he could sew, he did that too on her personal wardrobe - adjusting dresses and hemming skirts, the whole bit. 

Eventually he was the only one she trusted to get shit done. Right-hand man, her number one. He planned the events, made sure they went off without a hitch, and all-around got shit done. 

And he was still working his ass off, still hustling to make everything happen. Because it was all he knew now. At one point, Allison had to insist he take time off. “Go have fun, find a man, have a drink.”

“Whoo, girl. I need it,” he’d said. 

So he’d do all those things. Fun, man, drink. Rinse, repeat. And it was fine. It was _ good _. He had an amazing life now and he could genuinely say he was happy. 

-

He met Nika for lunch about a year after he started working for Alli. They kept in touch all while he was in college, talking on the phone whenever possible. But now she was eighteen and getting ready to leave for college herself. In celebration and send off, they arranged lunch before she left. 

He met her at Yardbird, because it was fancy and he wanted to treat her, but also because the menu was southern comfort food and he wanted to feel like they were back at home, eating biscuits with gravy and shrimp and grits. 

He walked in, past the hostess stand to find her, knowing she’d already be there. Dion was perpetually five minutes early, and Nika was perpetually five minutes earlier than that. 

Finding her easily, Dion smiled and lifted a hand to wave, but froze when he saw who was next to her. 

His mother sat there, clutching her purse and looking around. She was still beautiful, if a little older. Wearing a wig in a trendy bob that looked great on her and skin was still that smooth brown, there were only a few crows feet crinkling at the corners of her eyes. 

Nika jumped up, long hair swinging and sneakers completely out of place in this restaurant. She grabbed him by the arm and dragged him to the table before he could protest.

“Just one meal,” she whispered to him. “For me. Please.”

Dion rolled his eyes heavenward and sighed, and even though his heart was pounding nervously in his chest, he allowed himself to be dumped into a seat next to Nika and across from his mother. She looked at him wide-eyed. 

“Hi, Ma.”

His mother didn’t say anything at first, and he wanted to stand up and run. When he finally found the courage to look at her face, like he knew he shouldn’t have done all those years ago, he found a regret so profound, it was matched only by his own. 

“Dion,” she said, eyes watering. She reached out and placed a hand on his. “You look good, son.”

He felt like he was sixteen again... sitting in that kitchen and listening to her tell him that he needed to get out - that God didn’t like what he was. He wiped away a tear and tried to keep it together in this restaurant. He probably knew people here. 

“I’m sorry,” she said, and Dion did not, could not respond. He waited for her to continue. “I’m so sorry, baby.”

Something climbed in his chest and he refused to let it break free. Inhaling a deep breath, he shook his head and looked away, desperately trying to swallow that lump down. He loved his mother, he really did... he even better understood how the way his mother had been raised and the community they’d been a part of made it so that it was hard for her to see outside of her blinders. 

_ But still. _

“You abandoned me, Ma...” because she did. “I was homeless... I had to go to school and work and get to college by myself. Am I just supposed to forget that?”

She shook her head quickly. “No, no of course not... I just -“ her bottom lip quivered, “I just want you to know that I _ know _... I know how I handled all of it was not correct... It was not right.”

“What does God think about you saying that?” He shouldn’t have said it, but he couldn’t help it. He was still hurt, he realized, even when he’d try to tell himself he wasn’t. 

“God made all his children in his image. I might not understand it, but I don’t have to not love you... I’m sorry it took me so long.”

Dion sighed because what else was he supposed to do...? He didn’t have the energy to stay angry. What she’d done was something he could never forget. It was a trauma that shaped who he was as a person now - the things he had to do to survive and what he went through? But if all of it taught him anything, it was that he was strong and capable, and that could never be a bad thing. 

“It’s fine, Ma. Here, look at the menu.” He handed it over and leaned a bit forward to point to a dish. “The fried green tomatoes here are divine. I know they’re your favorite.”

* * *

“So you just forgave your moms?” Seth asked. “You didn’t even like... yell at her or anything?”

Dion laughed and pushed Seth’s shoulder. They were sitting on the sea wall behind Allison’s house, looking out over the beach. The sun was setting and Seth had to leave tomorrow. 

“No, I didn’t. I don’t hang on to anger, Seth. It’s not worth the stress.”

Seth looked at him for a minute before wrapping his arm around Dion’s shoulders and pulling him close. Dion laid his head on his shoulder. 

“This is why I love you. I could never do that shit. Get me in front of my pops and see if I don’t _ pop _ the fuck off on him. Not that your mom was on my dad’s level. Just sayin’.”

Dion shrugged under Seth’s arm. “I missed her. I love my mom. She’s a good person and a good mom, minus that whole situation. I feel better not being mad, so I’m choosing not to.”

Seth kissed his head. “You’re the best person I know. 

“I am, aren’t I?” 

Seth laughed, and Dion felt his own laughter bubble inside.

Seth was the best person he knew, too.

* * *

The next time Seth was in Miami, Dion introduced him to some friends. They went to Palace for the drag brunch and even though it was a total touristy thing to do, Seth had never been and that was truly a travesty. He was also excited for Seth to meet his friends. After all the shit he’d been through in college, in the advent of Allison Jamaica Reynolds, he’d found a group of people here that had accepted and adopted him into their fold so easily. Honestly, it was something he’d really needed when he moved down here with his ex and they’d broken up almost immediately. 

The brunch went well. Seth fit in perfectly because of course, he did. Seth never met a stranger. He somehow inserted himself with those around him. He was sociable and funny and everyone loved him because how could they not? 

Later, his friend Leona called him and told him she liked Seth but was surprised Dion did.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked. 

“Oh calm down. I don’t mean anything bad. Just… I don’t know, D. He seems a little… immature. That in itself isn’t a bad thing, it just surprises me. You’re always so hardworking. Always so... _ serious _.”

“Well, maybe that’s why I like him.”

And Dion wasn’t immune to Seth’s flaws, like some may think. He just didn’t see them as flaws. In fact, what Dion lacked, Seth made up for. His friends had called him _ Grim _ and he still felt that way sometimes. Then, he’d given up time with friends, family, relationships - all for a job. He didn’t regret making those decisions, not really. Everything he’d done got him to where he was now, and he’d found a new passion along the way. He loved design, but event planning was where he was really able to shine, and to be truthful, he wasn’t sure he would’ve been able to sink into that happiness if it weren’t for Seth. Everything about that man-made him feel better. He was the sun in his cloudy sky, the moon in his dark night, and there was not a thing he wouldn’t do for that man. 

Leona laughed a little. “I will say, I’ve never seen you smile so much since I’ve known you.”

<strike> _Me neither._ </strike>

* * *

“I’m going to move to South Carolina.”

Allison didn’t even blink. She took a sip of the water with a lime twist she’d ordered at The Forge and immediately made a face. She lifted a hand and a waiter appeared at her elbow. 

“What can I do for you, Ms. Reynolds.”

“This isn’t Lauqen. This is tap water. Do you not have Laquen?”

She said all of this very matter of factly. No even rude or threatening. Still, the poor waiter was practically trembling. 

“Of course, Ms. Reynolds, the house manager orders it especially for you. There must have been a mix-up. I’ll correct this immediately.” Allison’s glass was whisked away and she turned back to Dion, waving her hand at him to continue.

“Did… did you not hear me?” He expected _ something _ out of her. 

“You’re moving to South Carolina. Unless you and Minyard have decided to give your whirlwind backseat hookups a second chance, I’m assuming to be with Seth.”

Dion snorted. It was blasphemous to even suggest, with he and Neil practically married. _ Fuck, they were cute. _

“Yes, to be with Seth. I haven’t, like, confirmed this with him -”

Allison laughed. People looked over at her disapprovingly but she didn’t give a fuck. She laughed loud and long and Dion really tried not to smile. “D, that is so fuckin’ you. You just decide you’re moving up to South Carolina without even letting the poor man know? Give him some warning at least, goddamn boy.”

“I will let him know when I have things in order, Alli. You know I need to have all the pieces in place.”

She pursed her lips and shook her head at him. Because she did know. She knew him better than anyone. The waiter dropped off the correct water before scurrying away again. Allison quickly thanked him, then took a sip, watching him over the rim. 

“You’re sure about this?”

“I’m sure about Seth. He’s going through too much right now with the podcast. All the research and the shit he has to listen to? He’s not made for this. His heart is soft, Alli. I just want to be there for him.” Dion reached across the table and put a hand on hers. “I don’t want to leave you. I love you like a sister... You know that. And I don’t want to leave you in a lurch. I’ll still work for you however I can from South Carolina. I can still contact vendors and set things in motion. I can train Janelle before I go, she’s capable and-”

Allison held up a hand. “D. Sweetheart. What kind of friend would I be if I made you stay with me when your heart is somewhere else? I want you to be happy. I just want to make sure you’ve thought everything through. You gave up something to come to Miami with someone else. What are you giving up for Seth?”

Dion steepled his fingers in front of his face. She had a point, and one he couldn’t ignore. His friends, family, job were all here... 

His life. 

But _ Seth _ was _ there _, and he didn’t think it’d be a good idea for him to come here. There was too much temptation. He could walk to the back of the house in this fancy-ass restaurant right now and have an eightball in his pocket in less than a blink. Seth drank, and that was something he wanted to talk to him about, but he still struggled sometimes not to immediately reach for something harder when he was feeling down. 

“I’m sure about this. I’m sure about him.”

* * *

The night Seth was beaten and drugged at the Exy Gala, was the night Dion came to a decision. 

He sat in the chair beside Seth's bed, his forehead on the mattress next to Seth’s hip. He was exhausted - mentally, emotionally, physically. Seth had woken up once, begging Dion not to leave and just barely coherent. 

_ As if there was any chance. _

He was out again though. The doctors said he should come around soon, but as Dion had just had to suffer through watching his beautiful face, now swollen and bruised, for any sign of waking. 

He startled when he felt a hand on the back of his head. Looking up he found Seth watching him through swollen eyes. 

“I’m not dead,” he croaked.

Dion laughed through tears. He took Seth’s hand and kissed his knuckles over and over. “No, baby. No, you’re not dead.”

“S’good. Don’t cry, D.”

Dion was, of course, a blubbering mess. He just wanted Seth to be okay. _ Needed _ him to be okay. He was in a place in this relationship where he didn’t know what he’d do without him. 

_ I’m in deep. _

“I can’t help it, I’m just so glad you’re okay. You’re never going to the bathroom by yourself again, Seth Gordon. Understand?”

Seth gave him the tiniest of smiles. “Yessir.” 

“Do you need anything? Water? Food? They pumped your stomach so you might feel a little weird. Does your throat hurt?”

Seth shook his head and gingerly moved to one side of the bed and patted the other with a hand. “Just lay next to me, D. Just… just lay here with me for a minute.”

Dion climbed carefully in the bed, toeing his shoes off first. He laid down next to Seth and proceeded to lose the last of his shit. He buried his face in Seth’s chest, ignoring the itchy gown and the smell of the hospital and sobbed into Seth’s chest. 

“I thought you were going to die. I thought I’d lose you.”

Seth hugged him tighter. “Nah. It takes more than that to get rid of me.” He was making jokes, but his voice was shaky. That was Seth. Always trying to joke his way out of his problems. 

Dion took a shuddering breath and Seth tilted his chin up with a hand. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry you had to go through that.” He kissed Dion softly. Carefully. It broke Dion’s heart. 

“Don’t apologize to me. You just went through something traumatic. I’m being selfish.” He tried to get up, but Seth wouldn’t let him.

“Stay.”

So, he did. They laid together quietly for a while, listening to each other breathe and the sounds of the hospital.

“Do you regret coming here?” Seth whispered. “Do you regret leaving Miami to live with me? To deal with all of this?”

Dion lifted his head to look his man in the eye. “What? Why would you ever think that?”

Seth shrugged and looked at the ceiling. “I know I’m not perfect... I know I play too much... I know I’m not the type of guy you usually date... I don’t know...” he sighed, “Sometimes I wonder why you even fuck with me. You had everything in Miami and I’m so grateful you left it to be here with me, but I feel like you’re going to wake up and realize you made a mistake.”

This was Seth’s father’s doing. He never thought he was good enough. Even when he was at the top of his game - successful and happy. It was like he always expected someone to drop out of the sky and take it all from him. 

“Seth,” Dion sat up to see him. “Seth, baby, look at me.”

Seth did, and there was such vulnerability there, such fear, that Dion kissed him as softly as he could before he could say anything else. He pulled back and reached over to the small table beside his bed. He took the chain he’d gotten Seth - the one with the pinecone pendant that they’d taken off of him - and carefully put it over Seth’s head, adjusting it on his chest so it fell over his heart. 

“You remember when I told you what it was like for me? When my mom kicked me out and I had to do it all on my own?” Seth wrapped a hand around the necklace and nodded. “I’ve always taken things too seriously. I’ve always had to work harder than the person next to me... Always hustling, always fighting. Remember they called me Grim in high school? It was because I never fucking smiled Seth. Do you know that since I’ve been with you, I’ve heard ‘_ wow I’ve never seen you smile so much’ _ about a million times?”

“So, what you’re trying to say, is that you love how stupid I am?”

Dion laughed. “I just love _ you _, Seth. God help me, but I’m done for.”

Seth kissed him again, harder this time, and paid for it with a little wince and whimper. “Bad idea...” he mumbled into Dion’s lips and Dion pulled away smiling. He settled down again with his face on Seth’s chest, playing with the pinecone chain and letting himself bask in the knowledge that his boyfriend would be okay. 

“I love you, too, D. I’m done for, too.”

“Guess that makes two of us.”

The night Seth was beaten and drugged at the Exy Gala, was the night Dion came to a decision. 

He never wanted to be without this man.

* * *

Seth still had nightmares about that night. They were a month into quarantine, and the isolation was getting to him. The longer they stayed inside, the worse it got. 

“Fuck!” Seth woke up with a start, sitting straight up and trying to untangle himself from the sheets. He was covered in sweat, despite only being in his underwear. 

“Seth.” Dion lifted a hand and put it on his shoulder. “Seth, baby, it’s okay. I’m here.”

Seth turned to look at him, eyes wide and slightly panting. “D…” He reached out and Dion came easily. Pulling Seth to him, he ran his fingers through his curls. “It’s okay. You’re fine. You’re safe.”

He took a shuddering breath against Dion’s neck, trying to gain his bearings. He finally pulled away after a few minutes. “I’m going to shower. Go back to sleep.” He kissed Dion once and headed to the bathroom. 

“You okay?”

“Yeah,” Seth said, stretching a little. “Just… bad dream. Sorry I woke you.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Dion said with a yawn. He laid back down and was asleep again immediately. He didn’t hear Seth come back.

The next morning he ordered as much fabric as he was allowed to. Seth needed a distraction - something to do to keep his hands and his mind busy. When he showed Seth what he had in mind, his face lit up.

“Oh my god, D. This is amazing. Okay, you have to show me, though. I only kind of know how to do this.”

So, he did. He walked Seth through the patterns and the stitches and how to use the sewing machine he’d brought with him from Miami. They set up a little shop in the living room and got to work. Seth wanted to make masks for every person he’d ever met, and Dion was determined to help him do that.

And it helped. The nightmares were farther apart, and Seth was able to relax. That restless energy was still there, but Dion had learned what he needed and when. 

“Let’s take a walk,” he’d say, when Seth was pacing the house. Back and forth he’d walk, not really doing anything, just pacing. 

“Show me what you’re listening to,” he’d say, when Seth was stressing himself over art he was working on or a new playlist he was putting together.

“Let’s try a new recipe for dinner,” he’d say, when he could see the weight of isolation on his shoulders. 

He knew his man - knew what he needed... Just like Seth knew when Dion needed to be alone and quiet sometimes - knew when he needed to be taken care of and spoiled. 

Knew when he just needed to hear ‘_ I love you _.’

They had their moments, of course. Every couple does. But it was mostly being annoyed with good humor and relegating themselves to their respective ends of the not big enough apartment when needed.

Dion guessed he shouldn’t have been surprised and he wasn’t really, he just wasn’t expecting it just yet.

They lay together, out of breath and deliciously sated. Dion had rolled off Seth only after kissing him fiercely and nipping at his ear. They tangled together, not willing to break apart just yet.

He shouldn’t have been surprised, when Seth moved closer. 

And he wasn't when Seth whispered so he could barely hear, 

“Will you marry me?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAHHHH YALL READ IT RIGHT!!! MWAHAHHAHAA! IT'S ALL JENI'S DOING. I HOPE YALL ARE SURPRISED BECAUSE THIS SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE!
> 
> As always, kudos and comments are always appreciated!!!!!! Like we said before, We did a poll to see what y'all would like to see and half of you said NICKY AND ERIK!!! So that's coming next! Ah we hope you love it ^^
> 
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> 
> Stay safe, stay healthy, keep searching! <3


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